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17 Types of Bachelor Pads

by Jonathan Bonobo Perry

ABC has a new cheesetastic reality tv show called The Bachelor Pad which seems like it might combine The Bachelor with Big Brother and The Real World after they’ve soaked in a briny vat of The Girls Next Door.  It promises an abnormally good-looking and freakishly healthy cast of cast-offs from previous reality shows being overly-dramatic and dramatically-amorous in a fine and expensive model home.  Pray, what will this bachelor pad be like?  Certainly it has everything.  Entertainment, games, and watery places, perhaps 7 hot tubs (so a few could be decontaminated simultaneously).  This got me thinking about types of Bachelor Pads as theme parks for men or rather types of homes for types of bachelors. What if guys were only one-dimensional and could each be pigeonholed into one tidy category?  Here’s who 17 of those guys would be and how their bachelor pads would be set up to reflect the weirdness.

1 Lothario/Lech Pad-Round spinning bed, cocktail bar, fancy lighting, a fine collection of loungy mood music.  It would be like the digs for Quagmire from Family Guy or for Austin Powers, replete with bathrobes and smoking jackets and lots of velvet.  A hot tub.  This is usually the first picture that comes to mind when one thinks of the classic bachelor pad.  It’s a lie.  Mostly.

2 Gamer Pad-Comfy chair for all that sitting.  Probably plush.  A couple gaming systems (XBox, Nintendo, Playstation, Wii) backed up by a quality entertainment system.  Dice and game parts for various role playing games.  Occupant-pasty sleepy nerd. 

3 Partier Pad-A sufficient supply of food and beverages and, if lucky, easily cleaned surfaces.  Large tv and other entertainment devices:  good stereo, lots of music, the gamer’s gaming system, some board games and backyard games.  Possibly a jacuzzi and a grill in the awesome backyard.  There might be a firepit.  Tiki torches?

4 Handyman Pad-Handmade furniture or carvings.  An extensive collection of tools and parts.  A fine workbench in the garage.  Powerdrill always plugged into the wall.  Multiple projects at different stages of completion spread about the garage and house.  Possibly a classic car parked in the garage being restored.

5 Traveler Pad-Travel books, posters, and paintings.  Souvenirs and maps.  Photo albums of trips.  Several suitcases, bags & perhaps an enormous travel cases like Jimmy Stewart‘s from It’s A Wonderful Life.

6 Collector Pad-The house may be overrun and/or decorated by strange collections:  stamps, baseball cards, license plates, Coca-Cola memorabilia.  Butterflies.  Places to store and display all this stuff have been set aside. The Antique-r is a sub-specialist of collector. Or is it the other way around?

7 Gadget Dude Pad-Assorted collection of the latest and greatest gadgets both electronic and mechanical.  Not only does he have the latest ostentatious Apple product (iPhone, iPad, iTouch), he also has camcorders, ereaders, robots, roombas, gps’s.

8 Reader Pad-Several bookcases, maybe some built-ins for a large a well-organized library (possibly numbered books, as if it were a real library).  There might be a list of books lent out and who has them and why you’ll never get them back.  (Chris?  Marshall?).  If he’s gone gadgety, there might be an Amazon Kindle or a similar ereader.

9 Sports Fan Pad-There will be lots of sports memorabilia, some of it plastered to the walls.  Maybe jerseys of the home team.  There could be game highlight footage on DVD.  There might even be sports cards, but certainly sports magazines.

10 Movie and TV-Buff Pad-Huge TV entertainment system with surround sound.  Lots of DVDs.  Lots of VHS tapes with the player.  Possibly a Beta player and Beta tapes for some rare ancient weirdness.

11 Musician Pad-Instruments.  The pinnacle is a grand piano or a specialty guitar signed by some dead rock legend.  Recording equipment.  A fine hi-fi system that spans the years from phonograph to 8-track to cassette to cd to mp3 player.  There will be plenty of albums to play on this system.  There might be busts of musicians and sheets of music.  Perhaps rooms have been modified to adjust acoustics.

12 Fitness Enthusiast Pad-In this pad might be found a bicycle and helmet.  If he’s a daredevil he might have mountain-climbing equipment, otherwise regular (and strange) exercise devices: dumb bells, stationary bike, treadmill, elliptical, medicine ball.  He might have his own awards from previous sporty endeavors.

13 Animal Lover Pad-Aquariums, terrariums, cages and kennels.  Leashes and bowls on the floor.  Adorable creatures that want to eat and bite you and need to use the facilities which may or may not be in your house.  Animal hair everywhere.  Unsolved allergy issues.  Hello Kitty stationery?  Maybe that’s just a sub-genre.

14 Hoarder Pad-this comes from mixing too many of the other categories together and having certain psychological issues.

15 Artist/Photographer Pad-Paints and brushes.  Easels and canvas and frames.  Cameras and camera equipment.  Maybe a dark room for old film.  Some of his own work might be framed on the wall as well as his inspirations’ works.  Art supplies and works are spread all over the house.

16 Gardener/Plant Guy Pad-Much of this guy’s stuff would be in the backyard: Veggie garden, flowers, other odd plants.  Sometimes the greenery will come inside and there will be pots of living greenstuff (non-mold) around the house.  There might be books and magazines for gardening ideas and tips.

17 Chef/Cook Pad-This dude has a kitchen full of quality cooking equipment.  Pots and pans and skillets or whatever.  There will be odd measuring devices which might use the metric system or stuff like pinch or smidgen.  He’ll have lots of spices and fancy oils.  The cupboards and fridge are stocked with all kinds of food.

Certainly your type has been overlooked.  That just means you’re weird.

The secret word is pigeonhole

Related Reading:

How NOT To Decorate The Bachelor Pad

My Bachelor Pad

Bachelor Step #10: Collect the Right Toys

Bachelor Step #1: THE BACHELOR PAD

$15 Million Ultimate Bachelor Pad

Tenuously Related Reading:

Google-Stalking The Ex

Logan’s Run & Population Control

World Of Warcraft…Dating?

Bachelors In History

Sound Of Music Death Match!!! Liesl v Maria

Kitten Of Evil

Celebrity Crushes: The Girl Next Door

Which Is Your Type? A Pseudo-Cosmo Quiz

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Why Fantasy Sports Make Me Feel Manly (and like an addict)

by Jonathan Basecommander Perry

Ok, yeah, it's really 2010.

OK, sure.  I’m only playing fantasy baseballIt’s not like it’s fantasy football or sci-fi soccer (yeah, I just made that up, but doesn’t it sound awesome?).  Not only is baseball a snail-paced sport, but because of the daily games in baseball, I have to keep on top of things every freaking day for like 5 months.  Or is it 6 months?  Maybe that makes it more hardcore.  The 1st 2 years I played fantasy baseball I got so into number crunching, I made graphs.  Baseball Stat Graphs! I even updated those graphs periodically throughout the season (yeah, I like stats).  I mean, they didn’t really seem to help me because I never ended higher than 3rd place (though I flirted with the lead a few times as late as August), but I enjoyed comparing players’ stats and it seemed to enhance my fantasy baseball enjoyment.

Last year I missed the deadline to sign up for fantasy baseball with my group and I was disappointed, but more than anything, I was actually relieved.  I felt like I’d kicked a terrible drug habit, like heroin or smack or angel dust (I have no clue what those last 2 are).  On weeklong camping trips when I was playing and far away from a computer, I’d find excuses (groceries, laundry, Taco Bell) to drive the 30 minutes into town and hit the library so I could check my fantasy team and make little adjustments to the roster.  Maybe bench or trade a slumping player.  I’d eat up the latest stats and try to catch some live games.  I’d even drag my laptop along to discover I’d found probably the only Starbucks in the world without WiFi.  It was a compulsion.  Then, when I wasn’t playing, it was as if I suddenly, miraculously, had free time to do other things like exercise, read classical literature (Bill Bryson), and chat online with non-fictional women that I totally didn’t just make up.  The air was fresher.  I slept better at night.  I lost almost 40 pounds (I’m not sure how all this is related).  I’d poured so much time every day for months into my fantasy team that I wasted possibly hundreds of hours I could have spent reading Don Quixote or socializing with humans.  Yes, not playing was a relief.

But here I am again.  Another year.  Another fantasy baseball league.  Actually 2 this time.  Dangit.  Both named Moose & Squirrel.  My buddy Roland, who lured me into the previous leagues, got me into it again this year at the last minute with his friends in TaiwanJerk.  He’s my fantasy crack dealer.  I thought I’d escaped.  Once I’d succumbed to the lure of one league, I remembered my other college friend Brian had been asking around for people to play in his league.  So later that afternoon I decided, what the heck.  I’m already doing it.  I might as well have 2 teams.  I could even experiment with drafting techniques and discover some clever strategies.  The draft is like some weird fantasy Christmas, at least in our leagues where you wake up early after the overnight auto-draft (or race home after work) to see what goodies were left for you in your Easter Basket under the Christmas tree (of course that sounds a little weird when you remember the “goodies” are the players).

Somehow, playing fantasy sports even makes me feel a bit manly.  It’s the stuff guys talk about when they don’t actually play sports.  I suppose it must be like having a second life in one of those role playing games like World of Warcraft (minus the hot orc-women).  I know I’m only playing fantasy baseball, the lesser of the sports fantasies.  I haven’t yet played fantasy football, which is apparently more manly, but less involved, and I feel pretty left out at the office when all the guys gather around Randy’s desk to discuss passing percentages, season ending spinal injuries, or linebacker stats that are pretty meaningless to me, and I consider playing the next year, but I don’t.  I tried to talk to a few of my friends at work about fantasy baseball, but they just gave me vacant stares.  They only do football, so we have little in common.  They also have families.  I don’t even see the guys I’m playing with.

Fantasy sports allow guys to bond in a special way, talk a unique language.  Of course women play, but really it’s mostly guys doing the fantasy stuff (I’m sure there’s some Freudian thing you could take from that).  And however boring baseball might be compared to football or basketball (I do enjoy them both), baseball is still my native sport, the one I most grew up with and I have a soft spot in my head for it.  I still have boxes full of baseball cards I collected when I was younger.  I’ve been to a few major league games and have gone hoarse rooting for the SF GiantsMy mom and her sisters, the biggest sports fans in my family, have their awesome childhood story about visiting Willie Mays‘ house and getting his autograph on the same day they accidentally saw the Beatles in San Francisco, but they didn’t care about the Beatles (that always bothered me).  I even pitched a near perfect game in HS intramurals that was pretty awesome (for a small private school of fat kids).  There’s something about the crack of the bat on the skull…ok, no.  That’s something else.  Anyway, pray for me.

Happy Birthday to my brother Jay!  May he live long and prosper!

Update:  Congratulations to former Nebraska Cornhusker Ndamukong Suh on being the 2nd overall pick in the NFL draft!  The Detroit Lions made a great choice.

The secret word is addiction.

Related Reading:

World of Warcraft…Dating?

Nicknaming Your Friends (For Fun and Revenge)

No Mom, I’m Not Gay

Ode To Autumn

Men Without Cats

11 Steps To Becoming a Domesticated Bachelor: #10.  Collect the Right Toys

11 Steps To Becoming a Domesticated Bachelor: #3.  Shape Up, Fatty

Will Your Siblings Use Up The Good Names?

A Photographic Memory

Children, Braid Your Nosehairs

Couples vs Singles: Socialization

Bachelors In History

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Secrets Of The Modern Bachelor:
Part 2. Dating Habits

by Jonathan Bogart Perry

Dating-knocked upIn my last post, Secrets Of The Modern Bachelor: Part 1. Why Are They Single?, we met the members of our esteemed bachelor panel who told us they’re single for reasons other than that they‘re mutants and lazy.  Their answers ranged from being too busy for relationships, to taking time off from them, to fear, to just not being ready to settle down.  One bachelor has the fake name Raoul, which I very much like for a fake name (I came up with it, cuz it‘s my study).

In the following paragraphs, we find out about their dating habits, as if they’re rats to be studied.  We also tackle the pros and cons of singleness and the bachelors’ interactions with couples.

Types and Frequency of Dating

When asked about dating frequency, our bachelors had a large range.  One dated regularly, perhaps once every ten days to two weeks on average.  Another dated a few times a year, dating one woman for several months at a time.  The last two guys had only been on a few dates ever in their lives.  Some of the guys who didn’t really like the stress of dating, only dated when they were seriously interested in a woman.  They considered themselves to be super-picky.

One lucky bachelor had actually been set up on a blind date and was about to go on a rare follow-up date, but didn’t really expect much from it because the first date hadn’t gone so hot.  I’m not quite sure how they wrangled that second date.  The other guys hadn’t been set up on blind dates, with one thinking he wouldn’t take it very seriously, while another had so far refused the set-up date, only allowing for it under the strictest conditions that it’s a well-trusted friend who’s a very good salesperson that arranges this uncomfortable, though well-vetted, set-up.

The questions I was interested in the most were about online dating:  had the bachelors dated online and what were their experiences?  Online dating is something I’ve  considered (Sort of.  Not really.), but I definitely wanted some good feedback first from the poor guinea pig saps who‘ve already tried it.  James H thought online dating was ok, but preferred personal introductions from friends.  He pointed out how easy it is to lie on a profile or use fake or old pictures.  Nathan hadn’t tried online dating, but had the same concerns.  Josh had tried it, wasn’t impressed by it, and said he’d never do it again.  Raoul didn’t think he’d ever use it, citing the differences between online and real life.

James S was more positive.  He’d dated online and didn’t think it was bad.  He thought it was useful for eliminating people with whom he had nothing in common without blowing 50 bucks on a doomed date.  He thinks more people should try it because he’s found good platonic friends that way, but questioned whether one could find a soul mate through online dating.

Advantages and Disadvantages to Singleness

I next asked the dudes about the advantages and disadvantages of being a bachelor, knowing that freedom has a price.  The gentlemen agreed.  For advantages, they liked not having to edit themselves for someone else and not being concerned about how something they do affects their mate.  They cited having more free time and being able to do whatever, whenever, and wherever they pleased.  Keeping their own schedule was popular concept.  James S noted with particular relish that singleness exempted one from Valentine’s Day purchases and rituals.

Of course, there were some noted minor drawbacks to not being in a relationship.  Among the guys, general loneliness and lack of physical contact were big negatives (Sex, smooching, and heavy petting were mentioned.  And actually in those words.).  The gentlemen missed not being able to tell their problems to a romantic partner, though other platonic friends could fill in as confidants in a pinch.  Josh generally liked to be able to talk to a significant other and also wanted to have someone he could admire and be concerned about and who would reciprocate those things.  Among the guys, other disadvantages were having to start over with a new relationship, worrying about what other people thought of them and their pathetic states, and not having children.  All of the guys hoped to have relationships in the future and had no intention to join holy orders.

Interactions With Couples

As for strange interactions with couples, James H noted how he disliked it when his friends had to check with their spouses or girlfriends before they did anything.  He actually felt bad for his coupled friends with the ball-and-chains.  One bachelor noted the pity he received from couples and how their efforts to assuage his feelings by saying “Aaawww.  It’s ok.  You’ll find someone, too.” only made him feel worse.

In Conclusion

So what do these bachelor insights tell us about the single male?  First, besides being mutants, they‘re probably shy or super-laid back (read ‘lazy or busy playing World of Warcraft‘).  Second, I’m probably not the first person to go to if you want to collect solid scientific or psychological data.  Third, I don’t have nearly as many single male friends as I thought I had.  And that’s probably ok because that means there’s less competition for the ladies (I really don‘t envy all those extra bachelors in China.  Seriously?  A woman shortage?  That was really bad planning unless it‘s part of a deeper intermarriage plot to take over the world, in which case that was amazing foresight.).  It’s possible that more extensive personality testing could tell us whether more bachelors are phlegmatic and less motivated in general, but it is good to see that some of the bachelors are single by choice and still look forward to a future full of lovin‘, if only in a passive sort of way.  I’m also thinking that if women want to find guys, they should start playing World of Warcraft.

The secret word is mutants.

Read These:

Bachelor Secrets 1- Why Are They Single?

Couples vs Singles: Socialization

World Of Warcraft…Dating?

Dating Advice From The Family

Family Advice: A Reversal (Sort Of)

Dating Satisfaction Survey

Google-Stalking the Ex

Changing Your Relationship Status On A Social-Networking Site

Secrets Of Robot Women

Bachelors in History

Which is Your Type? A Pseudo-Cosmo Quiz

Celebrity Crushes: The Girl Next Door

Celebrity Crushes: Is Elegance Elitist?

Valentine’s Day Shame

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World of Warcraft…Dating?

world_of_warcraft-fire dating wow datecraft
by Jonathan B Perry
Guys, do you spend hours and hours and hours playing World of Warcraft? Does this affect how much you see other humans? Especially female humans? A few of my friends play lots of it. They do little else. Of course, it is possible to meet people and develop relationships through playing WoW. Sort of. Weirdly, this actually happened to some of my friends who ended up meeting a player from across the country.wow-costume world of warcraft

Four or five of my friends are completely devoted to World of Warcraft. It consumes much of their free time, several hours a day, in fact, and I just can’t be around them when they‘re playing. You might say they’re addicted to WoW. When I was younger, maybe in middle school, I could spend hours playing games like Lazarian and Caverns of Kafka on an old Commodore 64 (I just really dated myself, didn’t I?), maybe a little Pac Man or Joust at the arcade, but I was never this obsessed. And again, I was in middle school.  These guys totally zone into World of Warcraft, sometimes forgoing employment as most waking hours are spent dressing their female characters in sexy outfits (virtual dolls), trading weapons (virtual baseball cards), and buying magic shovels and harps (virtual eBay, which itself is a virtual flea market). joust arcade game 80sWhen I visit them, they’re glued to their computer screens, completely engrossed while their characters run amok, wielding their axes across verdant countrysides full of well-dressed buxom female ogres and giant mushrooms.

One social component to this game is that your player’s character can talk to another player’s character in that second life sort of way. It just so happens that my four friends befriended another player who was attending college somewhere like Ohio or Michigan or Indiana. Incredibly, they talked him into coming to visit them in Nebraska and the guy actually flew out and stayed one extended weekend. It was one of the weirdest concepts I’ve ever encountered. Now, my friends were very attentive, showing him around town, entertaining him, feeding him, taking him to see the local schools. They even took the time to play WoW at once when all five of them were in the same house. What a tender, enriching 36 hours that must have been. This is close to how I envision successful online dating to be. Kind of. With fewer people. No other guys.  (There is actually a WoW related dating site called World of Datecraft.  No, really.  There’s even been a sighting of a couple who met through WoW & fell in love.  Hope games eternal.)

The secret word is ogre.

Related Reading:

Online Dating:  Should You Try It?

Google-Stalking the Ex

Bachelor Secrets 2-Dating Habits

Bachelor Secrets 1- Why Are They Single?

Couples vs Singles: Socialization

Dating Advice From The Family

Family Advice: A Reversal (Sort Of)

Dating Satisfaction Survey

Changing Your Relationship Status On A Social-Networking Site

Bachelors in History

Which is Your Type? A Pseudo-Cosmo Quiz

Celebrity Crushes: The Girl Next Door

Valentine’s Day Shame

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