by Jonathan B. Perry
My dear chubby bachelor friend, imagine yourself for a moment as a thin man, perhaps even muscular, and you are jogging lithely across verdant meadows with your special womanly someone as bluebirds sing Led Zeppelin around you. Now, envision comfortably going shirtless at the pool in front of friends and strangers, unfazed by your body because of its glorious physique, except for maybe that bad yin and yang tattoo you got one smashed evening. Wouldn’t life be better?
Growing flabby and fat isn’t much of an esteem builder and the huffing and puffing can be blamed on asthma for only so long, which is a shame. I’d show before and after pictures, but of course they’d just be backwards. Being in good shape is finding that sweet spot of healthiness. You’ll be better able to engage in more physical activities in cool places with pretty girls without passing out (like that time in the Rocky Mountains), have the ability to wear select clothing that doesn‘t look hideously stretched or tent-like, gain that ever evasive self-confidence, and be more attractive to the opposite sex (perhaps at the top of the bachelor list). Oh, and you may live longer, too, which comes in handy when it‘s time to use up your retirement money.
If you avoid over-indulging in tasty friedchocolatehamburgermilkshakedogs, enjoin in some moderate exercise a few times a week, possibly doing physical activities with your invisible friends, then you may be able to cut down on the enlargement that most of us succumb to as we age, except of course for those freaks who are always rail-like and/or wraith-like and are hated by everyone else.
You might consider joining a sports league or a gym. You can certainly meet women at the gym. So I hear. Though, come to think of it, that might be like meeting women when you’re having the tarter scraped off your teeth. Maybe not your best moment. I suppose that’s why there are women-only gyms.
The secret word is burrito.
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by Jonathan B Perry
After a certain point your mother stopped dressing you and your brothers in matching purple tuxedos and frilly shirts. Finally! Now it’s your own responsibility. Just as your house is an extension of you and your excellent style (and your mortgage company‘s), so is your wardrobe. Whether sporting proto-James Bond slick formal-gadget wear or lounging in your Hugh Hefner meets Austin Powers in the den smoking jackets, how you dress yourself lets the world know what kind of tasteful weirdo you are: formal, casual, Boho-sloppy, goth-undertaker, or sporty (Ludwig’s royal coronation garb was boss). The better you look and dress, the less you’ll hate yourself, and people will think more of you, too, because people are superficial and they suck. That old annoying saying, ‘dress for the job you want, not for the job you have‘, works in other areas as well: socializing, dating (those are probably the only areas). Of course, women seem to like it when a guy dresses up. They smell success and responsibility. And clothes make the man, apparently. Go ye therefore and acquire some dashing suits and dress shoes that can be used not just at your job as a daytrader or at church, but while socializing at the corner malt shop with your barber shop quartet. You may even find some swell trademark clothing items to make your own, like the sharp wooden shoes, pocket watches, or red dickies.
The secret word of the day is dickies.
(Thanks again alphainventions.com/ for the insane hits!)
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