(While other guys were out on romantic Valentine’s Day dates with their girls, I was home pondering the nature of life and how much chocolate ice cream I should eat in one sitting. I’m sure I did something manly. I also worked on this.)
You’ve cooked a very special dinner for your girl and are seated at a candlelit table on a neighbor’s roof (non-sloped). This is approximately how you want your romantic dinner conversation to go (assume breathiness):
You: My Dear, can I give you any more of anything?
Her: My Darling, I’m quite full, it’s all so delicious, but I think I have a little room left for some of your yummy manicotti.
You: Of course, kitten. Here you are. Be sure to save room for dessert. It’s cherry cheesecake.
Her: Mmm, I bet it is, tiger. And you better save some room yourself, my love. (
You: Actually, monkey, that’s a turtledove I borrowed from the aviary. I thought the cooing was soothing. Just look at that cute little leash.
Her: Um, yes, Sniffles. It’s lovely, dearest, but the local pigeons are trying to…Oh, no! Stop that!!
Disgusting stuff like that. My grandma is blushing. Read the rest of this entry »
by Jonathan Bogart Perry
In my last post, Secrets Of The Modern Bachelor: Part 1. Why Are They Single?, we met the members of our esteemed bachelor panel who told us they’re single for reasons other than that they‘re mutants and lazy. Their answers ranged from being too busy for relationships, to taking time off from them, to fear, to just not being ready to settle down. One bachelor has the fake name Raoul, which I very much like for a fake name (I came up with it, cuz it‘s my study).
In the following paragraphs, we find out about their dating habits, as if they’re rats to be studied. We also tackle the pros and cons of singleness and the bachelors’ interactions with couples.
Types and Frequency of Dating
When asked about dating frequency, our bachelors had a large range. One dated regularly, perhaps once every ten days to two weeks on average. Another dated a few times a year, dating one woman for several months at a time. The last two guys had only been on a few dates ever in their lives. Some of the guys who didn’t really like the stress of dating, only dated when they were seriously interested in a woman. They considered themselves to be super-picky.
One lucky bachelor had actually been set up on a blind date and was about to go on a rare follow-up date, but didn’t really expect much from it because the first date hadn’t gone so hot. I’m not quite sure how they wrangled that second date. The other guys hadn’t been set up on blind dates, with one thinking he wouldn’t take it very seriously, while another had so far refused the set-up date, only allowing for it under the strictest conditions that it’s a well-trusted friend who’s a very good salesperson that arranges this uncomfortable, though well-vetted, set-up.
The questions I was interested in the most were about online dating: had the bachelors dated online and what were their experiences? Online dating is something I’ve considered (Sort of. Not really.), but I definitely wanted some good feedback first from the poor guinea pig saps who‘ve already tried it. James H thought online dating was ok, but preferred personal introductions from friends. He pointed out how easy it is to lie on a profile or use fake or old pictures. Nathan hadn’t tried online dating, but had the same concerns. Josh had tried it, wasn’t impressed by it, and said he’d never do it again. Raoul didn’t think he’d ever use it, citing the differences between online and real life.
James S was more positive. He’d dated online and didn’t think it was bad. He thought it was useful for eliminating people with whom he had nothing in common without blowing 50 bucks on a doomed date. He thinks more people should try it because he’s found good platonic friends that way, but questioned whether one could find a soul mate through online dating.
Advantages and Disadvantages to Singleness
I next asked the dudes about the advantages and disadvantages of being a bachelor, knowing that freedom has a price. The gentlemen agreed. For advantages, they liked not having to edit themselves for someone else and not being concerned about how something they do affects their mate. They cited having more free time and being able to do whatever, whenever, and wherever they pleased. Keeping their own schedule was popular concept. James S noted with particular relish that singleness exempted one from Valentine’s Day purchases and rituals.
Of course, there were some noted minor drawbacks to not being in a relationship. Among the guys, general loneliness and lack of physical contact were big negatives (Sex, smooching, and heavy petting were mentioned. And actually in those words.). The gentlemen missed not being able to tell their problems to a romantic partner, though other platonic friends could fill in as confidants in a pinch. Josh generally liked to be able to talk to a significant other and also wanted to have someone he could admire and be concerned about and who would reciprocate those things. Among the guys, other disadvantages were having to start over with a new relationship, worrying about what other people thought of them and their pathetic states, and not having children. All of the guys hoped to have relationships in the future and had no intention to join holy orders.
Interactions With Couples
As for strange interactions with couples, James H noted how he disliked it when his friends had to check with their spouses or girlfriends before they did anything. He actually felt bad for his coupled friends with the ball-and-chains. One bachelor noted the pity he received from couples and how their efforts to assuage his feelings by saying “Aaawww. It’s ok. You’ll find someone, too.” only made him feel worse.
So what do these bachelor insights tell us about the single male? First, besides being mutants, they‘re probably shy or super-laid back (read ‘lazy or busy playing World of Warcraft‘). Second, I’m probably not the first person to go to if you want to collect solid scientific or psychological data. Third, I don’t have nearly as many single male friends as I thought I had. And that’s probably ok because that means there’s less competition for the ladies (I really don‘t envy all those extra bachelors in China. Seriously? A woman shortage? That was really bad planning unless it‘s part of a deeper intermarriage plot to take over the world, in which case that was amazing foresight.). It’s possible that more extensive personality testing could tell us whether more bachelors are phlegmatic and less motivated in general, but it is good to see that some of the bachelors are single by choice and still look forward to a future full of lovin‘, if only in a passive sort of way. I’m also thinking that if women want to find guys, they should start playing World of Warcraft.
The secret word is mutants.
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by Jonathan B Perry
Not to go all girly on you, or anything, but I thought I’d talk for a moment about V Day in a reminiscent musing sort of way.
Wednesday, I hit a few stores (shopped, not robbed) and took a gander at the Valentine’s chocolate, as per my gluttony (chocolate, not V Day). Swarming the holiday aisles, hoards of parents with children in tow picked out Powerpuff Girls and Hanna Montana Valentines for the kids to pass out to their little friends and classmates. Of course, we all remember taking part in this ritual of elementary school, though we probably had more Batman, Transformers, GI Joe, and Smurf stuff. I also remember that we each had to give Valentines to everyone in the class if we gave them to anyone, as part of the communist gifting system that starts early in the schools, even if one of the kids was a little snot. Despite the gift equality edict, there was still a little wiggle room to show favor. You could always buy crappier cards for the kids you cared less about, then give the cooler cards to your friends, perhaps adding chocolate. If there was a special little someone you wanted to impress, you could even make your own homemade cards using construction paper, paper doilies, and glitter. This was an area in which my mother excelled in training her sons.
In her pursuit of making us properly domesticated humans, much attention was paid to teaching us certain arts and crafts that might eventually become useful in tricking future mates into liking us. Also, mom didn’t have any girls, so we’d have to do. We’d make those cards, but we’d also do weird, almost shameful things. Making sugar cookies and frosting them wasn’t bad because we’d get to eat several of them, and the Prince Charming costume for the Cinderella Ball was fine because it looked pretty cool and the girls dug it, but the mop doll thing was very different. And this was perhaps in high school, so it was extra weird. From some evil women’s magazine, she took the idea to make dolls out of mop heads for Valentine’s Day. Ribbons, bows, paint, and a hot glue gun were required in the multi-hour contruction. I believe we each made 2 or 3 and gave them to our closer female friends and interests. Apparently the girls liked them, but I think we always felt this essence of shame in having made them and publicly owning up to having made them. Now, if we’d made model rockets together and given those to the girls, there would have been more pride involved. Of course, there might have been some Freudian subtext to it. And the therapy sessions would be different.
Oh, happy Valentine’s Day.
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