Get Adobe Flash player
WHAT’S Happening?

Danger: if you meet it promptly & without flinching, you will reduce the danger by half. Never run away from anything. Never!- Winston Churchill

* Here There Be Goats->>
* Over 300k PAGEVIEWS!

* Follow Us On Facebook!

Follow BachelorGoat on Twitter

Follow BachelorGoat on Twitter


When Does Middle Age Begin?

View Results

Loading ... Loading ...


Interview with News Net Nebraska

Interview!  I was recently interviewed for News Net Nebraska about the Domesticated Bachelor.  I enjoyed sitting down with Maureen Wurtz to discuss bloggy things and was flattered they asked.  They even managed to edit out some dorkiness (and the part where my head spun around).  My brother Jay has threatened to do an Auto Tune mix of the interview, which would be nifty, but this is not it.  And no, Kyle, this doesn’t mean I have a multi-book deal (though that would be swell.  Stuff’s written & eBooks are pending, but more suffering is required.).  Until then, check out the video & maybe go back & reread 120 posts.  While you’re at it, sign up for free blog updates and visit our sponsors.  Oh, and watch for an upcoming celebration of our 6-digit page-views (hint: higher than 99,999).  And do the hokey pokey.

Here’s the link:

Related Blogs

17 Types of Bachelor Pads

by Jonathan Bonobo Perry

ABC has a new cheesetastic reality tv show called The Bachelor Pad which seems like it might combine The Bachelor with Big Brother and The Real World after they’ve soaked in a briny vat of The Girls Next Door.  It promises an abnormally good-looking and freakishly healthy cast of cast-offs from previous reality shows being overly-dramatic and dramatically-amorous in a fine and expensive model home.  Pray, what will this bachelor pad be like?  Certainly it has everything.  Entertainment, games, and watery places, perhaps 7 hot tubs (so a few could be decontaminated simultaneously).  This got me thinking about types of Bachelor Pads as theme parks for men or rather types of homes for types of bachelors. What if guys were only one-dimensional and could each be pigeonholed into one tidy category?  Here’s who 17 of those guys would be and how their bachelor pads would be set up to reflect the weirdness.

1 Lothario/Lech Pad-Round spinning bed, cocktail bar, fancy lighting, a fine collection of loungy mood music.  It would be like the digs for Quagmire from Family Guy or for Austin Powers, replete with bathrobes and smoking jackets and lots of velvet.  A hot tub.  This is usually the first picture that comes to mind when one thinks of the classic bachelor pad.  It’s a lie.  Mostly.

2 Gamer Pad-Comfy chair for all that sitting.  Probably plush.  A couple gaming systems (XBox, Nintendo, Playstation, Wii) backed up by a quality entertainment system.  Dice and game parts for various role playing games.  Occupant-pasty sleepy nerd. 

3 Partier Pad-A sufficient supply of food and beverages and, if lucky, easily cleaned surfaces.  Large tv and other entertainment devices:  good stereo, lots of music, the gamer’s gaming system, some board games and backyard games.  Possibly a jacuzzi and a grill in the awesome backyard.  There might be a firepit.  Tiki torches?

4 Handyman Pad-Handmade furniture or carvings.  An extensive collection of tools and parts.  A fine workbench in the garage.  Powerdrill always plugged into the wall.  Multiple projects at different stages of completion spread about the garage and house.  Possibly a classic car parked in the garage being restored.

5 Traveler Pad-Travel books, posters, and paintings.  Souvenirs and maps.  Photo albums of trips.  Several suitcases, bags & perhaps an enormous travel cases like Jimmy Stewart‘s from It’s A Wonderful Life.

6 Collector Pad-The house may be overrun and/or decorated by strange collections:  stamps, baseball cards, license plates, Coca-Cola memorabilia.  Butterflies.  Places to store and display all this stuff have been set aside. The Antique-r is a sub-specialist of collector. Or is it the other way around?

7 Gadget Dude Pad-Assorted collection of the latest and greatest gadgets both electronic and mechanical.  Not only does he have the latest ostentatious Apple product (iPhone, iPad, iTouch), he also has camcorders, ereaders, robots, roombas, gps’s.

8 Reader Pad-Several bookcases, maybe some built-ins for a large a well-organized library (possibly numbered books, as if it were a real library).  There might be a list of books lent out and who has them and why you’ll never get them back.  (Chris?  Marshall?).  If he’s gone gadgety, there might be an Amazon Kindle or a similar ereader.

9 Sports Fan Pad-There will be lots of sports memorabilia, some of it plastered to the walls.  Maybe jerseys of the home team.  There could be game highlight footage on DVD.  There might even be sports cards, but certainly sports magazines.

10 Movie and TV-Buff Pad-Huge TV entertainment system with surround sound.  Lots of DVDs.  Lots of VHS tapes with the player.  Possibly a Beta player and Beta tapes for some rare ancient weirdness.

11 Musician Pad-Instruments.  The pinnacle is a grand piano or a specialty guitar signed by some dead rock legend.  Recording equipment.  A fine hi-fi system that spans the years from phonograph to 8-track to cassette to cd to mp3 player.  There will be plenty of albums to play on this system.  There might be busts of musicians and sheets of music.  Perhaps rooms have been modified to adjust acoustics.

12 Fitness Enthusiast Pad-In this pad might be found a bicycle and helmet.  If he’s a daredevil he might have mountain-climbing equipment, otherwise regular (and strange) exercise devices: dumb bells, stationary bike, treadmill, elliptical, medicine ball.  He might have his own awards from previous sporty endeavors.

13 Animal Lover Pad-Aquariums, terrariums, cages and kennels.  Leashes and bowls on the floor.  Adorable creatures that want to eat and bite you and need to use the facilities which may or may not be in your house.  Animal hair everywhere.  Unsolved allergy issues.  Hello Kitty stationery?  Maybe that’s just a sub-genre.

14 Hoarder Pad-this comes from mixing too many of the other categories together and having certain psychological issues.

15 Artist/Photographer Pad-Paints and brushes.  Easels and canvas and frames.  Cameras and camera equipment.  Maybe a dark room for old film.  Some of his own work might be framed on the wall as well as his inspirations’ works.  Art supplies and works are spread all over the house.

16 Gardener/Plant Guy Pad-Much of this guy’s stuff would be in the backyard: Veggie garden, flowers, other odd plants.  Sometimes the greenery will come inside and there will be pots of living greenstuff (non-mold) around the house.  There might be books and magazines for gardening ideas and tips.

17 Chef/Cook Pad-This dude has a kitchen full of quality cooking equipment.  Pots and pans and skillets or whatever.  There will be odd measuring devices which might use the metric system or stuff like pinch or smidgen.  He’ll have lots of spices and fancy oils.  The cupboards and fridge are stocked with all kinds of food.

Certainly your type has been overlooked.  That just means you’re weird.

The secret word is pigeonhole

Related Reading:

How NOT To Decorate The Bachelor Pad

My Bachelor Pad

Bachelor Step #10: Collect the Right Toys

Bachelor Step #1: THE BACHELOR PAD

$15 Million Ultimate Bachelor Pad

Tenuously Related Reading:

Google-Stalking The Ex

Logan’s Run & Population Control

World Of Warcraft…Dating?

Bachelors In History

Sound Of Music Death Match!!! Liesl v Maria

Kitten Of Evil

Celebrity Crushes: The Girl Next Door

Which Is Your Type? A Pseudo-Cosmo Quiz

Subscribe to the Domesticated Bachelor through RSS or link to one of the buttons below! Do it!

Enter your email address:
Delivered by FeedBurner

11 Steps To Becoming A Domesticated Bachelor: #11. Get A Good Job

job2by Jonathan B. Perry

We’ve already covered the first 10 of the 11 steps to becoming a Domesticated Bachelor (the links are peppered throughout this post and at the bottom).  Now, we’ve perhaps arrived at the main thing; get a good job!  A good job helps to pay for keeping a bachelor domesticated.  It’s the glue that holds the airplane model together and sticks to your fingers for days.  It allows the bachelor to keep his fine mud-hut, drive his groovy car into a tree, wear his non-tent-like clothes, aimlessly travel the world, buy his mindlessly distracting toys, and throw those terrible parties to which no one shows up (grand hoohahs). Yes, you must get a good job to be truly domesticated.

Having a job you like is good for personal happiness and satisfaction and can affect your attractiveness to the opposite sex.  This is most useful.  If a woman has to choose between 2 guys who are otherwise equal, it would seem that the better job could push one guy over the top.  That might sound cynical and, perhaps, not always true, but we’re working the odds.  It makes sense because a higher income earner is better able to provide for his family.  Smart women want to be provided for and their mothers have prepared them for this.

If education can help you get a non-sucky pseudo-professional job, get that education or training and move up the ladder.  Maybe study for a Masters or professional degree.  Take night classes if necessary.  Ultimately, we’ll have to work for 40-50 years, unless we get really really rich and can retire sooner (or die earlier), so it‘s important to like your job for peace of mind and/or personal satisfaction.  It helps to quash that dangerous self-loathing (I’m hoping).

So, there you have it, the 11 steps to becoming a Domesticated Bachelor.  I meet only a few of the standards, so I wouldn’t be considered a domesticated bachelor.  Until recently I lived in a frightening apartment for several years (just bought a decent house, but it‘s super messy), don’t socialize very much with the humans, have never thrown a party (grand hoohah), cook very little (mostly sandwiches and spaghetti), have a less than stellar job, I’m only a jack of a few trades, I’m not my college svelteness, though I do have some decent clothes (could be better), and have an acceptable car and some distracting toys.  I’ve even traveled overseas a few times, just to be annoying.  Domestication is still a bit out there for me, but that‘s ok.  For the moment.  This list is sort of my own personal set of challenges and guidelines and maybe soon I can start checking more stuff off the list.  For now, I’m not so much a Domesticated Bachelor, as I am a half-wild goat down on the farm chewing something shiny.

Check out the list below for yourself.

Related Reading:

What Is A Domesticated Bachelor?


#2. The Right Wardrobe

#3. Shape Up, Fatty

#4. Learn to Cook

#5. Travel the World

#6. Be a Jack of All Trades

#7. Master Something

#s 8 & 9. Proper Socialization/Throw Parties

#10- Collect The Right Toys

Subscribe to the Domesticated Bachelor through RSS or link to one of the buttons below! Do it!

Enter your email address:

Delivered by FeedBurner

11 Steps To Becoming A Domesticated Bachelor: #10. Collect The Right Toys

antique-carby Jonathan B. Perry

A Domesticated Bachelor has plenty of swell toys that are both useful and/or attractive and possibly purchased through SkyMall.  These wondrous devices will serve to cram your home with shiny joy and blinky functionality, entertaining you and your bored guests for days, perhaps hours on end.  Certainly, filling your empty life with deep deep meaning.

1. Car– Of course, you must start off your acquisitions right by getting a shiny motor vehicle that suits your style and with which you can fashionably crash into a tree.  Nothing says domestication like a nicely totaled car.  Go and buy yourself a fine GPS for that stylishly crashed auto of yours so you can see which way you should have gone.  My car actually looks like an old man’s car, possibly one my grandparents might own, and my friend Darrin teases me about it, but it‘s really the nicest car I‘ve had.  Perhaps one day I‘ll get something sportier and more obnoxiously mid-life crisis like his.  Yeah, take that Darrin.

2. TV Stuff (Entertainment Center)– Build up your entertainment center with an expensive, yet breakable flat screen Hi-Def television, viewable from only one angle.  Get the surround sound system so you can freak out your cat with all the spastic directional sound.  Add a DVD and a TiVo for good measure.record-player2

3. Stereo– Find yourself a dandy stereo system (hi-fi) that works well with hearing aids so you can entertain your grandparents with Metallica or the Beastie Boys (your grandparents will be over a lot to borrow your car).  If it has an attachment for your iPod, you‘re golden.  Find a turntable for your parents’ old records and maybe get some of those classic Bossa Nova albums that really define the bachelor pad genre.  If you reach 8-track, you’ve gone too far.

4. Phone– Buy a Blackberry or an iPhone.  See if I care.  You’ll need to be able to text your mom hourly or have something to goof around with while on important business calls (and for driving into trees).  Upgrade these things regularly.

5. Games– Rock a sweet gaming system (Wii, Xbox, whatever the other one is called) or a billiard table so you can get nothing done ever into the wee hours.  Maybe find a fancy dart board and post a photo of your boss on it (my boss is great, so it’d be someone else’s boss).

6. Tools– It’s also important to acquire handyman equipment to decorate your garage impressively.  Nothing says ‘handyman’ like a full tool cabinet.  And it impresses the ladies.  Get your cutting, drilling, screwing, banging stuff ready for those workshop days that will never really happen because you‘re playing games and watching tv.

time-machineIf you have friends, which I have in the past, bring them over to use your gadgets.   Show off those doohickeys.  Drag out the time machine.  Change some college dating choices.  In this way you can also become influential in your group because your friends will develop techno-lust and see you as the gatekeeper to tech-Narnia or something.  They’ll seek you out for advice on such purchases and you may attain a certain guru status, just as my brother and his wife have for me with their endless knowledge and supply of mindless doodads.

Yes, the more useless stuff you own, the more hipster points you’ll gain and the more domesticated you’ll grow to be.  You may be poorer, but at least you‘ve done your part to support the fragile economy.  And that’s really giving back.  If nothing else, these items will keep you busy and ensure that you remain a bachelor for a good long time.

The secret word is hi-fi.

Related Reading:

#s 8 & 9. Proper Socialization/Throw Parties

#7. Master Something

#6. Be a Jack of All Trades

#5. Travel the World

#4. Learn to Cook

#3. Shape Up, Fatty

#2. The Right Wardrobe


Subscribe to the Domesticated Bachelor through RSS or link to one of the buttons below! Do it!

Enter your email address:  Delivered by FeedBurner