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28 Fake Questions: Vetting The ‘Love’ Candidates
March 7, 2012 | 
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Do you have a ‘love checklist’? Are you firm in what you’re looking for in a significant other? Does it require your girl to be pretty, musical, smart, a fly tap dancer, speak Pig Latin, and cook well in nothing but an apron? Have you ever looked at your list & realized you might be a touch delusional? I’m still in denial about my totally non-existent checklist, but from time to time I’m forced to face reality.
In every election season, there’s a tough vetting process for the candidates. Sometimes it’s accidental vetting, but occasionally the candidates are forthcoming with their quirks. We want someone who fits us. I know many of you guys are dragging your feet on dating or committing because, well, you’re just unsure whether that girl you like has what’s needed to complement your own quirks. In other words, you’re not sure how much like your mom she really is. This fixes that. Just hand her this questionnaire and sit back while she fills in the magic. You’ll know soon enough whether your girl is the perfect cross between Giada, Megan Fox, Natalie Wood, and your mom. Also, don’t be surprised if she high-tails it out of there, slaps you, or turns the tables and hands you a questionnaire of her own.
In my generous effort to help my fellow helpless men who inexplicably find themselves in situations where they’re receiving ‘love’ applications and/or resumes for a certain position, I’ve made this excellent questionnaire. Start vetting your ‘love candidates’. You are welcome. Read the rest of this entry »
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Dating Satisfaction Survey
by Jonathan B. Perry
If you could find out why you’d been rejected by someone, you’d want to know, right? Absolutely! Whether you’ve been rejected by someone you’ve been seeing a few years or have been rejected by the person you thought might turn out to be that special someone you’d eat lunches with in the park, it would be great to know. None of that “it’s not you, it’s me” business. No.
Please fill out this card.
On a scale from 1 to 5, rate:
- our conversations
- the frequency of calls
- the frequency of emails
- date enjoyment
- how interesting I am
- what you think of my taxidermy hobby
- what you think of my undertaker job (and how it relates to taxidermy)
- how attractive I am in downpours
- how our personalities match
Answer the following questions as completely as possible.
- Why did you lose interest?
- At what stage of the game did you discover I was a troll?
- Were you ever really interested?
- Will you shop here again?
A dating satisfaction survey would be swell. You might learn something. It would be useful knowledge, too, especially if it’s a minor item in your approach that’s easily adjustable. Maybe it was how you sold yourself. The self-advertising. Clearly, there was some communication problem, because it’s obvious you’re awesome. Even if it’s something major about you that you couldn’t easily change or wouldn’t want to change (you’re an unabashed Ace of Base fan), it would be great to know where you stand. If there’s something you can work on, work on it. If not, move on and adjust your target.
Maybe you thought things were going swimmingly and started getting those lovesick feelings you hadn’t felt in such a long time. This person came closest to meeting most of the items on your very selective checklist (part of the reason you’re otherwise single). Maybe you’d started your rusty amateur dating/attention strategy or were full into it, started envisioning or enjoying your new wonderful future with this person, then suddenly the bottom drops out and the object of your affection turns cold or starts treating you like an unwanted stranger. Wait, this hasn’t happened before. It’s often hard to pinpoint the moment of breakdown on your own. Only the other person really knows. And it’s so different each time.
Sadly, it’s unrealistic and exceedingly uncomfortable to ask and, seriously, do you really want to know? It might be very crushing to find out that this person you’re so fond of thinks you’re hideous, doesn’t believe you’ve amounted to much, and never really liked you in that way. It was all a big misunderstanding. You’re just fun to talk to. Sometimes. We had a few laughs. There was a little time to kill while the stew simmered.
That would be devastating. A sudden disinterest can be stupefying and such a blow from which you feel you’ll never recover. But you will. In fact, this is how we learn. How we grow. Maybe there’s something really wrong with the other person. Something better may come along. Or maybe not. And really, love is hard to measure on a scale. It’s a feeling that we either feel or we don’t. Sometimes it needs a little push. Maybe a shove. But watch out for the cliffs.
Related Reading:
Changing Your Relationship Status On A Social-Networking Site
Which is Your Type? A Pseudo-Cosmo Quiz
Celebrity Crushes: The Girl Next Door
Celebrity Crushes: Is Elegance Elitist?
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Which is Your Type? A Pseudo-Cosmo Quiz
by Jonathan B. Perry
Earlier we talked about types of crushworthy women, specifically the Elegant type and the Girl Next Door (GND) type (later I mention how Smart Girls are intimidating). While these two types seem to be my favorites, there are several other types that have great qualities and should be given serious consideration.
What kind of girl are you? (I don't know these people)
Funny- The funny girl always seems to know how to inject hilarity into the mundane. She’s almost a comedienne without a gig, amusing her friends instead.
Quirky- The quirky girl is much like the funny girl, though perhaps less definable as funny or less aware that she is. She’s a little strange in an interesting way, maybe a touch nerdy and unselfconscious. She may have odd habits or hobbies.
Smart- The smart girl has a high IQ and is a good person to ask if you want to know certain data. She may correct your grammar from time to time. She also may have a few graduate degrees.
Sporty- The Sporty girl is of course athletic, playing in city leagues or with friends, often taking mountain climbing expeditions or hiking trips. Her body is often in peak physical condition which is good for everyone (except maybe the other girls).
Sexpot- The sexpot is overtly sexy, being fully aware of her physical hotness and manifesting it through obvious flirtiness, whether in actions or dress. The Sexpot often walks the line with being slutty.
Bad Girl- The Bad Girl will often take up that slutty mantle, but may be bad in more criminal and dangerous sorts of ways. She often gets a rush by doing illegal things like shoplifting, or doing bad things like sleeping with her best friend’s boyfriend.
Girl Next Door- The GND is easy to talk to, normal and approachable, kind of innocent, but may also be hot and not really know it. She seems like someone who might be tricked into dating a regular guy.
Elegant- The Elegant woman maintains a certain charming dignity about her. This is exhibited not only by her fine dress, but through the grace, class, and decorum maintained in everyday activities.
The pseudo-Cosmo quiz below, which is super-non-scientific, has been designed to help you find out what type of woman you like (if you’re male) or what type of woman you are (If you’re female. Or, if you’re a guy, you can take the quiz from the perspective of which type of woman you are or would be. See how versatile this is?). Score your response to each question on a scale of 1 to 5 (with 1 being what you dislike and 5 being what you most like), then add up the total for each type. The closer you get to 20 points in one type, the more you like that type (or are that type). See the scoring key below. I’m sure other types have been left out, but this isn’t scientific and I’m not uber masochistic. Thanks to Melinda’s good-looking friend Emily for the great suggestion. I’ll never do this again.
1. She craves and seeks adoration for her body.
2. She often amuses her friends in regular conversation.
3. She likes to dress well at all times.
4. She might have a collection of pretty rocks.
5. She’s likely to be in a book club.
6. She likes to mountain climb.
7. She spray paints graffiti on the overpass.
8. She might be considered a pal/friend to a guy.
9. She often dresses revealingly.
10. She might engage in practical jokes.
11. She’s seen to be particularly classy.
12. She plays the xylophone in a rock band.
13. She’s good at giving advice.
14. She works out at the gym regularly.
15. She gets a rush from shoplifting lipstick.
16. She has an innocent manner about her.
17. She sleeps with a lot of guys.
18. She rarely gives a serious answer.
19. She gives charming dinner parties.
20. She names her pet turtles after classic movie stars.
21. She speaks philosophically about mundane things.
22. She’s often invited to play sand volleyball.
23. She slept with her best friend’s boyfriend.
24. The neighbor boy saw her as a good friend for years before really liking her.
25. She flashes her breasts at Mardi Gras or just whenever.
26. She has a secret ambition to be a comedian.
27. She embodies the upper class.
28. She makes Star Wars models.
29. She may have advanced educational degrees.
30. She catches most games on tv when she doesn’t go to them in person.
31. She enjoys breaking rules and laws.
32. She’s often seen as the perfect girl to take home to the folks.
Scoring Key: Sexpot-#s 1,9,17,25; Funny-#s 2,10,18,26; Elegant-#s 3,11,19, 27; Quirky-#s 4,12,20,28; Smart-#s 5,13,21,29; Sporty-#s 6,14,22,30; Bad-#s 7,15,23,31; Girl Next Door-#s 8,16,24,32
How did you score? Which is your type? Quit asking what I look like in drag.
The secret word is tranny.
Related Reading:
Celebrity Crushes: The Girl Next Door
Celebrity Crushes: Is Elegance Elitist?
Sound Of Music Death Match!! Liesl v Maria
Family Advice: A Reversal (S0rt Of)
Changing Your Relationship Status On A Social-Networking Site
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