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State of the Bachelor Address: July

by Sir Jonathan Boniface Perry

My fellow blog readers, we do not harass Caesar with tickle fights to haze him, but to Epilady him because he’s Mediterranean and obviously pretty hairy (Mediterranean men recognize their condition and are not offended.  Especially Caesar.).  Yea, verily, here’s the state of the bachelor:  Hungry!  No, really, here it is:

1. Whenever the theme song for “The Office” plays, I make up another song on the spot and sing it over the top of the theme.  Sometimes there are lyrics which may or may not include “Shake your butt.  Shake your butt, baby.”  I’m working on that.  On a related note, I’m sad to hear that Steve Carell plans to leave the show at the end of next season.  Bummer.

2. Last week I was accidentally subscribed to Ladies Home Journal.  Also Parents Magazine and Family Circle.  Probably a sweepstakes entry gone bad, though I don’t rule out a clever prank.  My issue of Family Circle arrived in the mail today.  Really, I did cancel them.

3. Found a dead bird.  1st bird this year.  3 last year.  My yard might be cursed.  I also suspect vuvuzelas.  Or soccer in general.  I left the bird because it was on the edge of the yard and had already been sitting several days.  It smelled a bit & its little claws were sticking up all twig-like.  I mowed around it, so there’s a small square patch unmowed on the side of my front lawn being fertilized a special way.

4. Yes, I realize DB could also stand for Douche Bag.  Oy.

5. I traced several lines of ancestors back into Switzerland for a few hundred years to as early as the 1500s. Crazy awesome! That’s 500 years!  Didn’t know we had any Swiss.  I knew about a few of our German lines, as well as Chippewa, Cherokee, likely Welsh and Dutch, but not about the Swiss.  Still haven’t found how my dad might be related to Benjamin Franklin.  (More to come later on this genealogy business.  Probably.)

6. Average daily blog hits in June- over 100!

7. Found a great Belgian Chocolate Gelato sold by the pint at the supermarket.  Need to quit buying it so I can lose weight.

8. (Update on nicknaming post.) a)Darrin at work has started calling me Pretty Pretty Princess.  Retribution is required.  b)I’m trying out other nicknames for Paul J. who was non-plussed by the nickname Paulina.  Paolo was also apparently inadequate.  I’m thinking Polyglot or something else with Poly-.  Maybe Polymer (not Polyamorous).  c)Still need a good nickname for Randy besides Bookie and Wizzer (not a spelling error from me).  Randalina doesn’t quite do it.  Maybe the Great Randini. d) Nickname for Dave Micek, DJ Mice K, is still super awesome!

9.Today, the aforementioned Apollo Polyglot at work guessed I was only 27 years old (he’s 10 yrs off).   This, of course, rocks.  Not sure whether this guess was based on my maturity or if my vampire white skin is paying off.

10. Need to renew my passport for that cruise in Dec.  It needs to be valid for 6 months after the trip, but mine would only be good for 5 1/2 months after.  Oh, hey, I’m taking a cruise.  I’ll sunburn in style.

11. I now have over 13,000 songs on my iPod!  Sure, a few hundred tracks are chapters of audio books.  Sure, I had to finally upload a few of those Mozart CDs last night that had been sitting around unused for a few years.  Sure, 135 of those tracks are of my own poorly recorded music and of those maybe 30 are duplicates.  Do I have a 2-disc set of a Bulgarian women’s folk choir singing Bulgarian folk songs leftover from a world music binge in the ’90s?  Yes, I do.  But I’ve reached a special milestone.  If you figure that each album averages 10 tracks, this would mean I should have about 1,300 albums.   According to my iTunes it would take 35 days to listen to this 58GB of songs.  Will I listen to all of these songs straight through uninterrupted over those 35 days?  I will not in a boat with a goat.  But I can, if I wish to kill myself that way.  Also, there is chocolate gelato.

12. Thwarted a kitchen invasion by ants last week.  They were probably displaced by the recent heavy rains.  I gassed my house with poison that probably was the cause of my subsequent sickness.

13. Put down 120 lbs of topsoil near the foundation of the house to fill low spots that were pooling with water during those heavy rains.  Need more.  A little water was leaking into the basement.  On a positive note, I could set-up a Slip-and-Slide in the garage.

In conclusion, that is the recent state of the bachelor.  Will there be changes?  Probably.  Will they be snail-paced?  Most certainly.   Will you have a good Independence Day/July 4th Holiday?  I hope so.  May the force be with you.

The secret word is Polyphonic

A Similar List:

My 25 Humanoid Things

Related Links:

Nicknaming Your Friends For Fun (and Revenge)

Other Linky Links:

Will Your Siblings Use Up The Good Names?

A Photographic Memory

Children, Braid Your Nosehairs

Couples vs Singles: Socialization

Bachelors In History

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A Bachelor President For Presidents’ Day

Some presidents have acted like bachelors (Bill, we’re talking about you), but there’s only been one real bachelor US president.  This Presidents’ Day we remember that dead presidential single dude and his, um, frustrations (he probably bypassed Valentine’s Day, too).  Who is he?

(read The Bachelor President)

Valentine Reading: Valentine’s Day Shame

Related Reading:

Bachelor Profiles: Mad King Ludwig

Bachelor Profiles:  Vincent Van Gogh

Bachelor Profiles: Sherlock Holmes

BACHELORS IN CATHOLICISM

Bachelors In History

Famous Historical Bachelors-A List

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Famous Historical Bachelors-A List

by Jonathan Bippity Perry

Billy Idol

Billy Idol

I’ve been compiling a list of famous historical bachelors for a while for no reason. Maybe for future blog posts or so I can worm them annoyingly into awkward conversations.  Maybe I’ll write a cleverly titled book, BACHELOR Profiles In Courage (And Shame), and sneak copies into the Kennedy sections of bookstores and libraries.  I’ve already written about some of the dudes in previous blog posts, if only to help single guys realize how successful they can be with fewer distractions.  Death or some sort of finality is needed to gauge one’s determination at bachelorhood, so I haven’t really included too many modern celebs.  I might throw in living guys like Billy Idol just to mix things up (I’m pretty sure he’s still alive.  And single.).  If you find some other good examples, let me know by leaving insane rambling comments.

Guys I’ve Already Written About (linked for your pleasure)
Vincent Van Gogh
King Ludwig II (Mad King Ludwig)
President James Buchanan (The Bachelor President)
Sherlock Holmes (yeah, he’s fictional)
Jesus
Thomas Aquinas

beethoven

Beethoven

Musicians
Franz Schubert
Johannes Brahms
Maurice Ravel
Frederic Chopin
George Gershwin
Ludwig van Beethoven

Artists
Edgar Degas
Edvard Munch
Leonardo DaVinci
Toulouse-Lautrec

Philosophers & Theorists & Writers
Blaise Pascal
Isaac Newton
Adam Smith
Arthur Schopenhauer
Voltaire
W.H. Auden
Immanuel Kant
Henry David Thoreau

Other Random Single Dudes
Edward Heath (former British PM)
Meriwether Lewis
George Eastman

As I study up on some of these goats and discover a few were actually married (or perhaps really women), thus shortening the list, I may be required to add modern bachelors in hopes that they stay lonely (I mean single) for the rest of their lives.  In that event, here are some guys still living (except for a dead one).

Modern Bachelors

Andre the Giant Princess Bride

Andre the Giant (top) w/dudes from The Princess Bride

Billy Idol
Ralph Nader
Al Pacino
Drew Carey (apparently engaged)
Bill Maher
Hugh Grant
Leo DiCaprio
Ed Koch
Anthony Michael Hall
Andre the Giant (yeah, he’s dead)
George Clooney

The secret fake word is spaz.

Related Reading:

Famous LIVING Bachelors

The Remaining Bachelor Princes

Bachelor Profiles: Vincent Van Gogh

BACHELORS IN HISTORY

Bachelor Profiles: Sherlock Holmes

BACHELORS IN CATHOLICISM

Bachelor Profiles: Mad King Ludwig

Bachelor Profiles: The Bachelor President

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Presidents’ Day Special! The Bachelor President

by Jonathan B Perryjames_buchanan

It seems, historically, that marriage has been an unspoken requirement for American presidents, except, of course, for President #15, James Buchanan (1791-1868), whose raw bachelor sex appeal helped lay the groundwork for the Civil War (maybe not bachelor-induced, but his inability to stop southern succession wasn’t helpful).  Buchanan was the Democrat president right before Lincoln and is often considered by historians to be one of the worst.  And of all the presidents, he was the only one who never married.

It’s not that he didn’t try to debachelorize.  At about age 28 he actually fell in love with and even proposed to Ann Coleman, daughter of a wealthy iron-mill owner.  Sadly, Ann’s folks didn’t think old JB was up to snuff.  Shortly after Buchanan’s proposal was denied, the poor girl died under mysterious circumstances, a rumored suicide, and it seems that JB never tried again, swearing off marriage.  He was even barred from the funeral.  Keeping her letters always, he requested they be burned at his death.  Even so, it was suspected by many, including Andrew Jackson, that Buchanan may have maintained a homosexual relationship with Alabama Senator William Rufus King, with whom he lived for 15 years. Aaron V Brown referred to the two as “Buchanan and his wife”.  It’s hard to know.  Times were different then, though it is interesting to note that the nieces of both men later burned the men’s letters of correspondence.  Lots of letter burning.  How will they burn our blogs or emails when we’re gone?  Didn’t hear this stuff much in history class.

Anyway, Happy Presidents’ Day!

Related Reading:

Valentine’s Day Shame

Bachelor Profiles:  Mad King Ludwig

Bachelor Profiles: Sherlock Holmes

BACHELORS IN CATHOLICISM

Bachelors In History

Famous Historical Bachelors-A List

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