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What Would You Do With $500 Million?


cash money lottery winnings dollars millionaireLet’s say you suddenly fell into a great deal of money.  $500 Million.  An insane amount of money.  That’s half a BILLION dollars.  We know you didn’t win the Mega Millions this time, but maybe you’ve won the sweepstakes or another insane Mega Millions Powerball or sold millions of books like JK Rowling.  Maybe your name is Pip and you inherited your money from an English fugitive you fed on the moors, though you thought the money came from Miss Havisham.  Whichever way you acquired the $500 million, it’s yours to spend.  How would you spend it?

Sure you’d pay off your bills, build a mansion, travel the world, maybe donate to charities.  Definitely retire. It’s hard to know for sure until you actually get there.  Yes, you’ll lose half of it to taxes, but still $250 million would hold you for a while.  You’d have to build up stamina against all your new best friends asking for handouts.  Certainly you’ll give some away, but you have to draw the line somewhere.  You’d have to walk through a dirty city in shame just knowing you’re one of the hated 1% protested by the same folks who bought tickets hoping to be members of the 1%.  If you’re smart (and trust the stock market & investments in general), you’d invest a large portion of it, so that it regrows like the freaky tail of a lizard.  What else would you do with it? Read the rest of this entry »

7 Ways Buying a Car is Like Dating


ford escape suv xlt 2005 burgundy

Glamour Shot of My Latest Debt Acquisition

I was in a car accident a few weeks ago (sorry, I forgot to take photos) and it pretty much interrupted my post-Hawaiian trip afterglow.  My 10 year-old ‘old-man car‘ was smashed up, but since the other driver was cited for an illegal lane change and at fault, I received a settlement and decided to buy a car (Darrin won’t be able to abuse me anymore about having an old-man car).  No one was injured.

I ended up buying a used Ford Escape SUV.  It’s burgundy with a moonroof.  I love it!  (Thanks Bigler Motors!) Part way through the buying process it struck me that buying a car is a little like dating, which might sound a bit weird until you think about.

Years ago, one of my teachers, Mr. Bruce, consoled a recently dumped student by telling him that women were like taxis or buses (not sure which).  “As soon as one drops you off, another one will be right along to pick you up.”   Wise man.

Here are 7 ways buying a car is like dating: Read the rest of this entry »

Your Retirement Savings…In The Couch


by Jonathan Bactrian Perry

Over the last five years or so, I’ve developed a shiny disorder around the house.  It seems I’ve been quietly amassing a boatload of change.  Oh yes.  Coins.  Coins everywhere!  Muwahaha!  In every nook and cranny:  on the end table, in my shoes, in the keyboard, and on the floor.  During a random sporadic organizational period (occurring every solar eclipse), I started gathering the coins together in jars and Ziplock baggies expecting to save up and one day make a fabulous bank run where I’d trade my bags of coins for bags of fresh paper cash and the title to a new Lexus.

It worked for my boss (not the Lexus part).  She and her family saved up their money in a giant Tootsie Roll for a few years until one day they cashed it in for an astounding $350 and used it for an exotic cross country drive.  This was excellent news.  I’d even read online or in a newspaper that an older man from back east took his vast collection of pennies into the bank and it yielded him several thousand dollars.  What a deal!  If he could do it, I could totally do it.  This was all the inspiration I needed.  Actually, I didn’t need any inspiration.  Money is inspiring in itself.

My collection grew and grew, week after week, year after year, until one day, I grabbed my stash and made that mythical bank run.  A quick approximation based on a quick count of quarters in one bag suggested that in all the bags and jars I might, just might, have $150, maybe even $200, in my massive pile of magic found money.  It should be enough for a medium range iPod, a couple car payments, or about half of a round-trip flight to see the family in California.  Excellent stuff.

coin-counting-machineOf course, it didn’t turn out quite so well.  I’d been a little worried that the bank might not have a speedy change counting machine, but this wasn’t a problem.  After returning from her sequestered counting expedition, the bank person/maid/waitress reported back to me that my precious yield was only $70.94.  Now, for found money, $70.94 is nothing to sneeze at, unless you’re planning a trip to Europe and discover that this US cash is only enough to buy maybe 3 cups of hot chocolate at a cafe in Belgium, so my wild visions of new found wealth were quickly brought down to earth.

I’d even considered the idea of saving up the dirty money from now until retirement, then one day, on my 70th birthday perhaps, dragging these pickle jars and colostomy bags full of coins into the futuristic coffeehouse bank stationed 5000 feet above my house in the New World Order’s airspace only to find out that they’ve gone back to using wampum instead.  Based on my recent yield, it would seem that if I only collect $70 in change over a 5 year period, then in a 40 year period (8 times as long.  Isn‘t that weird?  Math is amazing.) I would only have $560 to see me through my retirement.  This is still nothing to mock (for retirement, yes), but makes one mindful of the importance of retirement investments and producing rich children.  I’m suddenly reminded that I need to clean out the edges of my couch and chairs.  And have children.  Less than two years after this initial coin cash-in, I did another home scrounging and got an even bigger payout.  This time I got $118.21!  This improves on my earlier retirement figures (nearly tripling), but still lacks the necessary funding for a total retirement party blowout with the other geezers at the rest home.  I guess I’ll still need my 401k after all.  Oh, and social security, if it’s still there.

A while back, when I worked in customer service, a woman called to make payment arrangements on her mother’s account.  Her parents were retired and owned a house, but her father had just died, and at this point her declining mother had to go into a nursing home and, with all the related costs, they had to sell the old family home.  The worried daughter took the opportunity to tell me about the need to acquire Long-Term Care Insurance.  She wasn’t a salesperson, but merely a concerned citizen.  She wished they’d gotten the insurance to help pay for nursing home care.  I talked about this to my mom who assured me that she wouldn’t need the insurance because she was going to live coin-bagwith me anyway.  I told her that this would work only if I had a separate house for her on this fictional property and she wasn’t able to get around well enough to come in and out of my house at will, and also wasn’t crippled enough to require frequent assistance like being turned over every hour or to avoid bedsores.  Man, I love her.

To me, it seems weird that people work 40+ hours a week for 40-50 years, then retire in time to be old and die.  That’s just too much of your life.  Apparently, it’s important to enjoy your job after all.  The company I work for teases us by putting out an obituary report every so often for employees and former employees.  It was interesting and a little sad to see that there are some employees who’d only been retired 5 years before they died.  The ones I like to see are the listings for those people who’d been retired 25 years before they passed away.  That would be much better.  Twenty-five years to live unencumbered by servitude and slavery would be great!  You also wonder, though, how strapped for cash they might have gotten at the very end.  That might be it’s own slavery.  Hopefully they have large couches full of change.

Coming Up…Maybe:  If I can lose those last 2 pounds, I’ll post about my awesome weight loss with joyful obnoxiousness!  Problem is I’ve started cooking way too much, so I may have to post about that instead.

Further Reading:

Logan’s Run & Population Control

Google-Stalking The Ex

Sound Of Music Death Match!!! Liesl v Maria

Esperanto Rhymes With Tonto

Valentine’s Day Shame

World Of Warcraft…Dating?

Bachelors In History

Bachelor Profiles: Mad King Ludwig

Will Your Siblings Use Up The Good Names?

Kitten Of Evil

Celebrity Crushes: The Girl Next Door

Which Is Your Type? A Pseudo-Cosmo Quiz

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