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March 27, 2011 | 
Author Why Fantasy Sports Make Me Feel Manly (and like an addict)
by Jonathan Basecommander Perry
Ok, yeah, it's really 2010.
OK, sure. I’m only playing fantasy baseball. It’s not like it’s fantasy football or sci-fi soccer (yeah, I just made that up, but doesn’t it sound awesome?). Not only is baseball a snail-paced sport, but because of the daily games in baseball, I have to keep on top of things every freaking day for like 5 months. Or is it 6 months? Maybe that makes it more hardcore. The 1st 2 years I played fantasy baseball I got so into number crunching, I made graphs. Baseball Stat Graphs! I even updated those graphs periodically throughout the season (yeah, I like stats). I mean, they didn’t really seem to help me because I never ended higher than 3rd place (though I flirted with the lead a few times as late as August), but I enjoyed comparing players’ stats and it seemed to enhance my fantasy baseball enjoyment.
Last year I missed the deadline to sign up for fantasy baseball with my group and I was disappointed, but more than anything, I was actually relieved. I felt like I’d kicked a terrible drug habit, like heroin or smack or angel dust (I have no clue what those last 2 are). On weeklong camping trips when I was playing and far away from a computer, I’d find excuses (groceries, laundry, Taco Bell) to drive the 30 minutes into town and hit the library so I could check my 
fantasy team and make little adjustments to the roster. Maybe bench or trade a slumping player. I’d eat up the latest stats and try to catch some live games. I’d even drag my laptop along to discover I’d found probably the only Starbucks in the world without WiFi. It was a compulsion. Then, when I wasn’t playing, it was as if I suddenly, miraculously, had free time to do other things like exercise, read classical literature (Bill Bryson), and chat online with non-fictional women that I totally didn’t just make up. The air was fresher. I slept better at night. I lost almost 40 pounds (I’m not sure how all this is related). I’d poured so much time every day for months into my fantasy team that I wasted possibly hundreds of hours I could have spent reading Don Quixote or socializing with humans. Yes, not playing was a relief.
But here I am again. Another year. Another fantasy baseball league. Actually 2 this time. Dangit. Both named Moose & Squirrel. My buddy Roland, who lured me into the previous leagues, got me into it again this year at the last minute with his friends in Taiwan. Jerk. He’s my fantasy crack dealer. I thought I’d escaped. Once I’d succumbed to the lure of one league, I remembered my other college friend Brian had been asking around for people to play in his league. So later that afternoon I decided, what the heck. I’m already doing it. I might as well have 2 teams. I could even experiment with drafting techniques and discover some clever strategies. The draft is like some weird fantasy Christmas, at least in our leagues where you wake up early after the overnight auto-draft (or race home after work) to see what goodies were left for you in your Easter Basket under the Christmas tree (of course that sounds a little weird when you remember the “goodies” are the players).
Somehow, playing fantasy sports even makes me feel a bit manly. It’s the stuff guys talk about when they don’t actually play sports. I suppose it must be like having a second life in one of those role playing games like World of Warcraft (minus the hot orc-women). I know I’m only playing fantasy baseball, the lesser of the sports fantasies. I haven’t yet played fantasy football, which is apparently more manly, but less involved, and I feel pretty left out at the office when all the guys gather around Randy’s desk to discuss passing percentages, season ending spinal injuries, or linebacker stats that are pretty meaningless to me, and I consider playing the next year, but I don’t. I tried to talk to a few of my friends at work about fantasy baseball, but they just gave me vacant stares. They only do football, so we have little in common. They also have families. I don’t even see the guys I’m playing with.
Fantasy sports allow guys to bond in a special way, talk a unique language. Of course women play, but really it’s mostly guys doing the fantasy stuff (I’m sure there’s some Freudian thing you could take from that). And however boring baseball might be compared to football or basketball (I do enjoy them both), baseball is still my native sport, the one I most grew up with and I have a soft spot in my head for it. I still have boxes full of baseball cards I collected when I was younger. I’ve been to a few major league games and have gone hoarse rooting for the SF Giants. My mom and her sisters, the biggest sports fans in my family, have their awesome childhood story about visiting Willie Mays‘ house and getting his autograph on the same day they accidentally saw the Beatles in San Francisco, but they didn’t care about the Beatles (that always bothered me). I even pitched a near perfect game in HS intramurals that was pretty awesome (for a small private school of fat kids). There’s something about the crack of the bat on the skull…ok, no. That’s something else. Anyway, pray for me.
Happy Birthday to my brother Jay! May he live long and prosper!
Update: Congratulations to former Nebraska Cornhusker Ndamukong Suh on being the 2nd overall pick in the NFL draft! The Detroit Lions made a great choice.
The secret word is addiction.
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11 Steps To Becoming a Domesticated Bachelor: #10. Collect the Right Toys
11 Steps To Becoming a Domesticated Bachelor: #3. Shape Up, Fatty
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JAMES BOND: Bachelor Spy
by Jonathan Bond Perry
Daniel Craig as Bond
Last night I totally ignored the Academy Awards and all the Oscar weirdness, instead watching Sean Connery in the James Bond film From Russia with Love. Within the first 40 minutes at least 8 stunning women (I lost count) were featured in places like London, Russia, and Istanbul (not Constantinople), and a fancy spy briefcase complete with a handful of gadget-y weapons was shown to 007 for his approval. There’s also some stimulating repartee with Miss Moneypenny. In another scene while spying on a woman in a secret meeting, a colleague asked Bond “How does she look to you?”, to which he responds “From this angle things are shaping up nicely. I’d like to see her in the flesh.”. Oh, and after a belly-dancing scene, there’s a catfight between 2 hot gypsy women who don’t seem to be overdressed. (There were also goats, but that’s a side thing.)
James Bond is awesome. His job, nay his duty, as debonair spy for MI6 (British Intelligence), has him traveling the world, wearing sharp suits, driving magnificent autos, and entangling with exotic and dangerous beauties who seem to have left most of their clothing in the other bag. Bond has engineers constantly creating cool new spy toys to help him dispatch the enemy, which he always does with panache. Why am I using French words like panache and debonair when Bond is clearly English? Maybe I want to be beaten up by the 
bullies in my head. I don’t know. But I do know this: James Bond is perhaps the prime vanguard of all bachelors. He epitomizes the Domesticated Bachelor. He’s suave, stylish, sophisticated, and completely fictional. Truly a standard bearer.
James Bond was created in 1952 by British journalist Ian Fleming while on holiday at his Jamaican estate, Goldeneye. Yeah, Goldeneye. Fleming wrote twelve novels and two short story collections about 007, who, it’s said, was actually modeled on Fleming, himself something of an overly-confident manwhore. Beginning with the 1962 release of Dr. No, there have been 22 Bond films in the EON Production series, making it the longest running, most financially successful English-language film franchise in history (at least through the most recent film, Quantum of Solace). After Fleming’s death in 1964, several other writers authored James Bond novels and screenplays and perhaps named their Sedona estates Moonraker and Thunderball, but maybe not. James Bond has also been spoofed, most famously in the Austin Powers series by Mike Myers.
Bond’s date of birth often changed from story to story, frequently leaving him in his 40s, which apparently is an ideal age for spy-adventure coolness and gives me a small degree of comfort as I near that middling decade of life. Over the years, 007 has been portrayed on the big screen by several actors, most notably by Sean Connery and Roger Moore. These are usually considered the classic Bonds. In fact, there was a situation in 1983 where 2 different Bond movies played in theaters simultaneously. Roger Moore was in the EON production of Octopussy, when Sean Connery, the previous EON Bond, was brought back as Bond in the non-EON Never Say Never Again. Eventually MGM purchased the name “James Bond”, so this problem could never be repeated. 007 has also been portrayed by Timothy Dalton, George Lazenby, David Niven (in an early spoof), Pierce Brosnan, and most recently Daniel Craig.
Bond music is easily recognizable the world over. The Bond theme is a super instrumental used in every movie, then a different song usually opens each film and this song is sung by one of the current hot singers. Some of the best include Paul McCartney and Wings doing “Live and Let Die“, Duran Duran in “A View to a Kill“, and “Nobody Does it Better” sung by Carly Simon for The Spy Who Loved Me. Shirley Bassey sang three Bond themes.
Don't get how her panty bits turned gold, but it's advanced science
James Bond has had many relationships with women, often quite meaningless relationships. Of course he’s on the go a lot, sometimes the women are spies, and sometimes they die or turn gold and then die. At one point, though, Bond marries, but on their wedding day his bride is killed by his archenemy (seems like the writer’s convenient way of keeping Bond single).
Yes, women love 007, at least the ones in his movies (some of my married friends aren’t so keen). Between the exciting job, the snazzy clothes, the good looks, the sweet rides, and the strong self-esteem, he has little trouble with the fictional ladies. He’s the sort of guy other guys hope to emulate, minus the murder. And the excessive manwhoring.
The secret word is Moneypenny.
Related Reading:
Bachelor Profiles: Mad King Ludwig
Bachelor Profiles: Vincent Van Gogh
Bachelor Profiles: Sherlock Holmes
Famous Historical Bachelors-A List
Becoming A Domesticated Bachelor: The Right Wardrobe
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Famous Historical Bachelors-A List
by Jonathan Bippity Perry
Billy Idol
I’ve been compiling a list of famous historical bachelors for a while for no reason. Maybe for future blog posts or so I can worm them annoyingly into awkward conversations. Maybe I’ll write a cleverly titled book, BACHELOR Profiles In Courage (And Shame), and sneak copies into the Kennedy sections of bookstores and libraries. I’ve already written about some of the dudes in previous blog posts, if only to help single guys realize how successful they can be with fewer distractions. Death or some sort of finality is needed to gauge one’s determination at bachelorhood, so I haven’t really included too many modern celebs. I might throw in living guys like Billy Idol just to mix things up (I’m pretty sure he’s still alive. And single.). If you find some other good examples, let me know by leaving insane rambling comments.
Guys I’ve Already Written About (linked for your pleasure)
Vincent Van Gogh
King Ludwig II (Mad King Ludwig)
President James Buchanan (The Bachelor President)
Sherlock Holmes (yeah, he’s fictional)
Jesus
Thomas Aquinas
Beethoven
Musicians
Franz Schubert
Johannes Brahms
Maurice Ravel
Frederic Chopin
George Gershwin
Ludwig van Beethoven
Artists
Edgar Degas
Edvard Munch
Leonardo DaVinci
Toulouse-Lautrec
Philosophers & Theorists & Writers
Blaise Pascal
Isaac Newton
Adam Smith
Arthur Schopenhauer
Voltaire
W.H. Auden
Immanuel Kant
Henry David Thoreau
Other Random Single Dudes
Edward Heath (former British PM)
Meriwether Lewis
George Eastman
As I study up on some of these goats and discover a few were actually married (or perhaps really women), thus shortening the list, I may be required to add modern bachelors in hopes that they stay lonely (I mean single) for the rest of their lives. In that event, here are some guys still living (except for a dead one).
Modern Bachelors
Andre the Giant (top) w/dudes from The Princess Bride
Billy Idol
Ralph Nader
Al Pacino
Drew Carey (apparently engaged)
Bill Maher
Hugh Grant
Leo DiCaprio
Ed Koch
Anthony Michael Hall
Andre the Giant (yeah, he’s dead)
George Clooney
The secret fake word is spaz.
Related Reading:
The Remaining Bachelor Princes
Bachelor Profiles: Vincent Van Gogh
Bachelor Profiles: Sherlock Holmes
Bachelor Profiles: Mad King Ludwig
Bachelor Profiles: The Bachelor President
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Posted in Bachelor Profiles, biography, celebrities, literature, president, sherlock holmes | 
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BACHELOR PROFILES: SHERLOCK HOLMES
by Jonathan B. Perry
Yeah, I know Sherlock Holmes is a character of fiction. OR IS HE? No, he is. But Sir Arthur Conan Doyle wrote so many Sherlock Holmes mysteries that I sometimes feel I personally know Holmes or at least that he was a real historical figure. He’s one of my favorite characters and is easily recognizable not only by his clever private detective work and astute observations, but also by his funny deerstalker hat, cape, and pipe. I’ve even named my dormant rock band, The Musgrave Ritual, after one of his cases. The Scottish Conan Doyle wrote 56 short stories and four novels about this London-based consulting detective, and bachelor, set in the late 1800s and early 1900s. Most of the stories were narrated by Holmes sidekick Dr. Watson, who lived with Holmes for many years before Watson married, then again after Mrs. Watson died. See, Watson was married, so don’t get any ideas.
A life-long bachelor (except in fan fiction), Sherlock Holmes does take an interest in Irene Adler, who he mentions in several cases, but only appears in “A Scandal In Bohemia“. In that story she outwits Holmes and escapes (it was complicated). For one of his other cases, Holmes is briefly engaged to be married, but only in order to uncover clues for his case, which is the excuse I’d use. At one point Holmes says, “I am not a whole-souled admirer of womankind“. Also, he found “the motives of women… so inscrutable… How can you build on such quicksand? Their most trivial actions may mean volumes… their most extraordinary conduct may depend upon a hairpin.“ Such wisdom.
Though he earned a good deal of money from his cases, especially from doing work for Europe‘s royal families, and could have retired young, he lived modestly in his London bachelor pad on Baker Street. Watson described Holmes as being quite disorganized, leaving notes and experiments from old cases lying around the room, but able to find what he needed quickly from his organized chaos. I seem to have inadvertently modeled myself after him in this organizational respect.
Sherlock Holmes does have a major vice: drugs. Frequently using cocaine, and sometimes morphine, especially when his cases were understimulating, he still looked down on the use of opium. The use of such drugs was legal at that time in England, what with so much understimulation. Dr. Watson sometimes suspected that drug use was involved when Holmes stayed up all night. Later Watson believed he weaned Holmes off the junk.
Despite the drug use, Sherlock Holmes stands as a paragon of the modern detective as well as an interesting bachelor specimen. I wish I could go out on a case with him, maybe do some experiments. Go skeet shooting. But he’s dead. I mean, if he’d been real, he’d be dead. Rest in peace, fictional dude.
By the way, there are two new Sherlock Holmes movies in the works. One will star Robert Downey Jr as Holmes with Guy Ritchie directing and the other has Borat’s Sacha Baron Cohen as Holmes and Will Ferrell as Dr. Watson in a comedy by Judd Apatow. Pretty excellent! Can’t wait.
Bachelor Profiles: Mad King Ludwig
Bachelor Profiles: The Bachelor President
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