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The Bachelor Goat Who Liked To Eat: A Cautionary Tale

(To be recited in an elegant English accent or Suessian manner near a big red barn, overlooking grazing goats, while standing on your head in the mud, until the farmer chases you off his property with a shotgun.) There once was a young goat named Gatsby the Bleater, who never stopped feeding, he was such a big eater. Read the rest of this entry »

Middle Aged? Already?

When does middle age begin? 40? 45? 50? Or is it earlier, like 35 or even 30? My work buddy Randy recently joked about me being middle-aged like he is (he’s in his 50s) and I balked. Why? I’m in my 30s. To me, middle-aged is pre-old. It means I’ve lost all vestiges of young adulthood. But have I? I still feel youngish, at least maturity-wise. And anyway, my folks are middle aged, right? Read the rest of this entry »

Bachelor Pads Have 15 Times More Germs!!!

bachelorpadpizza

This is not my beautiful house.

by Jonathan Bacteria Perry

Okay, dudes.  We need to talk.  It seems we have a problem, a perception problem that’s going to take a lot of Lysol & Clorox to wipe clean.  Apparently our bachelor pads have gotten pretty funky.  I know that’s not terribly surprising, but now there’s this so-called ‘official’ research from the University of Arizona showing how truly foul things are.  According to these tests, bachelor pads contain 15 times the amount of bacteria than is in the homes of bachelorettes.  15 TIMES!  That’s insane.  I didn’t figure the number would be that high.  Maybe 3 or 4 times more germs, but not 15.  Of course, the study found that bachelorette homes were even cleaner than the average home with 2 or more people, so apparently bachelorettes are freaks, like museum curators or something, whereas bachelor pads were like monkey cages (which would make bachelors the monkeys throwing poop, not the zoo keepers).

Oh, the grossest thing the study found about bachelor pads is that 70% of coffee tables harbored coliform, a type of bacteria common in feces.  Feces!  You’ve got crap on your coffee table!  Apparently shoes pick up feces after a while, so if you put your feet up on the coffee table, there’s a good chance you’re transferring poop.  Exciting, huh?  These coliforms and other fun microbes, including cold and flu carriers,  were also abundant on TV remotes, door knobs, and the bedside stand.  It’s true, bachelorette homes weren’t immune to these bugs, but they weren’t nearly as disgustingly infested.

Now guys, you can take some solace in knowing you aren’t spreading the Legionnaires Disease that recently made almost 200 visitors to the Playboy Mansion ill.  We all knew there’d be some scary stuff coming from there, but not on that big of a scale.  I’m sure you might be interested in seeing some sort of trade off, like the flu for a scantily clad woman or hives for a dominatrix, but things don’t exactly work like that (though bringing a stripper home might provide bonus bacteria).  It’s probably more important at this point to take a Sunday afternoon and wipe up your filth, you pig.

And if she ever asks whether you want to go back to her place or to your place, you know, to make jam, definitely go to her place.  And remember to take off your shoes.

The secret word is nasty.

Bachelor Pad Links

How NOT to Decorate a Bachelor Pad

17 Types of Bachelor Pads

Domesticated Bachelor Step #1: The Bachelor Pad!

DB Step #10:  Collect the Right Toys

My Bachelor Pad
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Secret Ingredients and Family Recipes

recipe box recipes

not my recipe box (don't have one)

by Jonathan Boxlunch Perry

Recently, I visited my mom in Minnesota, and while there I took the opportunity to dig through her recipe boxes and copy my favorite recipes for yummy happy eating time.  Fortunately, I had my camera, so I just photographed them.  You didn’t think I was going to hand copy 25 recipes in one sitting, did you?  I’m not a medieval monk.  In fact, during my visit, she helped me cook some stuff, even though she’s been quite ill.  Actually, I helped her.  The food was delicious, I got fatter, we bonded, I practiced domesticity.  There you go.  This will help me circumvent having to call her for recipes.  I’ll still call her, of course, being the doting son and mama‘s boy that I am.  It’ll just be more for the weather report.  And tips on removing stains.  Stuff like that.  Oh, and to check up on her.

So we grow up with these tasty dishes and hopefully learn to make them ourselves or mate with someone who can make reasonable facsimiles and hope there‘s no withheld secret ingredient to throw off a recipe.  I mean, who would do that?  Who does grandma think she is, passing off recipes without all the ingredients?  Is there some posthumous cooking contest she’s trying to win?  Her competition is either dead or senile in a home and  isn’t allowed near the stove anyway for fear of a fiery death.  Or did she think Kellogg-Kraft was going to rip off her 10-layer lasagna and cash in?  And what if grandma goes to the great beyond before she shares her terrible secret (which is probably a teaspoon of cinnamon)?  I’ll tell you what, you’ll be stuck eating inferior food the rest of your life and may be forced to abandon family tradition for Martha Stewart’s hoity-toity ringer recipe that requires obscure ingredients like Mongolian goat bouillon!  or whatever.  Well, that just won’t do.  Also, I’m a non-goat-eating vegetarian.  Only fake-goat bouillon for me, thank-you.

recipe texas sheet cake

Texas Sheet Cake Recipe

I’ve helped my mom make many of these dishes over the years and can probably replicate them if forced at gunpoint, though quite slowly and not as expertly.  One thing I noticed while searching the recipe boxes is that many of these recipes were ones she acquired from her friends over a period of 50+ years.  They say things like “From the Kitchen of Linda” or Vicki or Arlene.  There are also those special recipes from my grandmas and even an awesome one from my great-grandma Gottschall:  Dutch Apple Cake.  Yum!  It’s nice to know you’re making something that your great-grandma made 80 years ago.  Perhaps she got the recipe from her great-grandma, pushing the baked goods lineage back a few hundred years into Europe when sugar was first making a diabetic splash (you try not to suspect the recipe was copied from a 1930s issue of Better Homes and Gardens).

I always look forward to my mom, grandma and aunts cooking for me.  They make great stuff and sometimes there are weird memories tied to the food, like that time mom made lentils and my brother Jay tricked her into giving him the birthright.  Good times (see Genesis).  But these moments are fading.  It’s a good thing my brothers and I cook (well, mostly my brothers) or some of these recipes would just disappear forever and everyone would forget what Broccoli Jello Surprise tastes like (okay, that‘s not a family recipe).  Actually, I’m sure many have disappeared from generation to generation, which is sad.  Really, though, it’s survival of the fittest recipes.  I only copied about 25 recipes, after all, not the full 200.  (I never claimed to be an archivist.  I‘ll get more later.).  But of the recipes I have, all the ingredients seem to be intact, which is a relief.  Everything tastes right.  No glaring omissions from grandma.  No wrong-tasting Special K Loaf.  No secret ingredients withheld.  Unless the secret ingredient is love (and that just seems like a therapy issue).

Stay Tuned for a Bachelor Eating eBook!

the secret word is bouillon

Fooood Posts

9 Foods I Might As Well Move To The Bomb Shelter

Berry Smoothie & the Magic Blender

Easter Recipe: Mom’s Creamed Eggs and Croutons

How Cooking Hijacked My Diet

Becoming A Domesticated Bachelor: Step #4. Learn To Cook

My Bachelor Weight Loss Secrets: Sticking It To The Terrorists

Becoming A Domesticated Bachelor: Steps 8 & 9. Proper Socialization/Throw Parties

Becoming A Domesticated Bachelor: Step #3. Shape Up, Fatty

Stuffed French Toast By Sam The Cooking Guy

Oral History Fixation Cooking

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The Great Massage Adventure

by Jonathan Barndoor Perry

the masseuse and the massageYou hear great things about massages.  Then you hear the other stuff, which you assume is largely isolated and somewhat fictional.  I least I used to.  Last fall I flew to California to see my mom and took a short sidetrip to see my friend Cami who lives in the Bay Area.  Our visit together was brief, but we packed in a lot during that time.  We ate dinner at an Ethiopian restaurant, had a meal of Cameroonian food the next day at an outdoor market, caught a Regina Spektor concert, and even got massages.  I’d never had a proper massage before, so I was really looking forward to it.  Cami’s kind of an old hat at massages and had found a favorite place.

The massage was fantastic!  It was quite relaxing and thorough, but, um, a bit more thorough than I was expecting.  I was surprised when the masseuse climbed onto my back and used her knees and feet to loosen my knotted muscles.  I was also surprised when she massaged me like only that special someone might with near pinpoint encroachment of the nethers.  Actually, Cami had joked before we went in about the ‘happy ending‘ business and we had a good chuckle knowing we were seeing professionals, but wouldn’t that be funny?  Well, it happened.

At some point near the end of my session, the masseuse said something softly I couldn’t quite understand.  I had her repeat it and she whispered in my ear & pointed there (an area loosely covered by a towel), asking me if I wanted her to ‘do that’.  I nonchalantly said ‘no, thank you’ in a very polite way, as if one was casually turning down a great dessert at a fine restaurant because there are too many calories, though one has truly been craving the molten lava chocolate cake for months.  I’m a little repressed.

We left the massage parlor in a normal manner (I accidentally under-tipped) and as we reached the car I told Cami the previous hour’s highlights.  She was shocked!  Appalled.  She wasn’t sure she wanted to go back there again and I don’t believe she has since.  Gradually her shock turned to amusement.  Weird naked time became a recurring laugh.  Cami said her ex hadn’t been offered ‘that’ before (maybe he didn’t fess up), which made me feel just a bit special, though really, I already felt pretty special.

Anyway, the next time you’re in the Bay Area… db

 

The secret phrase is magic fingers.

Go San Francisco Giants!!

Similar Simian Reads:

No Mom, I’m Not Gay

The Great Suburban Mushroom Hunt

Google-Stalking the Ex

Dating Advice From the Family

Sound Of Music Death Match!!! Liesl v Maria

Bachelors In History

Esperanto Rhymes with Tonto

The Prophecy of the Tornado and the Trailer

Logan’s Run and Population Control

Kitten of Evil

Will Your Siblings Use Up the Good Names?

Which is Your Type? A Pseudo-Cosmo Quiz

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9 foods I might as well move to the bomb shelter

by Jonathan Bombpop Perry

Good Times in the Fallout Shelter

I don’t have a fallout shelter, but if I did (and I really should, just so I can get one of those signs) I could start filling it right now with these unused and under-consumed foods that have been long-neglected in my cupboards and freezer.  Yes, I tend to overbuy and not plan meals very carefully, often eating whichever frozen meal sounds tastiest.  I might as well store the surplus in a very special bomb shelter pantry.  These 9 foods are mostly great foods, but they’ve been sitting in my house for years in some cases and they’ll probably last forever anyway (the underused veggies and half loaves of bread won’t).  Besides, they’re taking up precious kitchen space.

1.  Soup-If I’m in the mood and the weather is cold, I’ll eat soup, but I really haven’t been in the mood and it hasn’t been cold for at least 6 months.  I like soup.  I mean, it’s easy to heat up, but ehh.  There’s always too much sodium.

2.  Ramen Noodle-Also a soup, Ramen Noodle is the vestigial tail of my college years.  It’s cheap, doesn’t take up much space and is pretty yummy.  I should eat some.  I wonder how old that package is.  I wonder if it’s buggy.

 

Quinoa

3. Quinoa-There were samples of quinoa (keen-wa) at the grocery store a few months ago.  It was delicious and I wanted to make the food sample lady feel useful, so I bought a package of the weird ricy/pastafarian/grain-stuff the Incans feasted on after sacrificing a virgin.  I know that I’m too lazy to recreate it the way she did  (the food sample lady not the sacrificial virgin) since this would require planning so that I return to the store and purchase ingredients for the fancy preparation.  In the nuclear fallout shelter, I’d be less picky and would just steam it or whatever.  Maybe use soy sauce.  Or spaghetti sauce.  I also need to make more rice.

4.  Spaghetti-Last year after I moved into my house I was really getting to know my kitchen and made attempts at growing up and cooking food like an adult.  It lasted about 3 months.  During this time, my big food was pasta.  Mostly spaghettis, but some raviolis.  Somehow I overbought sauce in jars, which I should eat.  I think there really is some sort of expiration/BPA leach date I should heed.  There are 4 jars of tomato sauce in the cupboard and one jar of opened pesto sauce in the fridge.  Oh, and noodles.

5.  Cake-I have many boxes of cake mix.  I’ve made a couple cakes, but have several still sitting there aging, luring bugs.  I’ve been making lots of tasty brownies instead.  Of course, cakes would be great in a bomb shelter.  Why not celebrate the end of civilization?  Also, I could just eat pudding.

6.  Instant Pudding-Honestly, this probably came from mom’s house 10 years ago before she moved out of the state (braised gluten also came from mom’s house).  These days if I want pudding, I’ll buy the pre-made stuff in those little prepackaged cups in as many weird flavors as I like (Blueberry Muffin Pudding, anyone?).  They’re cheap, too.  They may or may not require refrigeration.

 

I had some great potato pancakes just down the hill.

7.  Potato Pancake Mix-What the heck?  Yeah, I saw this at the market and being the impulsive buyer of weird stuff that’s not too expensive that I am, I brought it home where it decorates my cupboard (I found hummus and falafel mixes, too).  10 years ago when I was visiting Castle Neuschwanstein in Germany, we ate at a restaurant at the bottom of the hill between bits of tourist nirvana.  It just so happened that the potato pancakes dish was 1 of 2 vegetarian items on the menu.  It was magically delicious.  Anyway, maybe I’ll make it sometime.  Mom used to make potato pancakes out of leftover mashed potatoes.  Tasty.

8.  Fancy Exotic Dishes like Indian or Thai-I eat a lot of microwaveable meals, even Indian and Thai, but they’re mostly frozen microwaveable meals.  Of course there are microwaveable meals that don’t require freezing.  These sit in your cupboard all sealed up nicely waiting for Iranian nuclear warheads to destroy all electronic devices via EMPs (electromagnetic pulses), rendering microwaves useless.  I suppose a living room campfire would still heat up the stuff.  You could eat it with quinoa.

9.  Canned Veggie Meat-Being a vegetarian, I have occasion to eat veggie meat (and tofu and braised gluten).  I don’t really do it much these days, but if I would just bother to cook more, it might happen.  However, I have prepared for those times when I do have the perverse urge to cook.  Seriously cook.  That bit of cooking will require some great canned veggie meats from the likes of Worthington, Loma Linda, and Morningstar Farms.  It also usually requires 3 or 4 people to consume it at a meal.  If I dare open a can, I am basically committing myself to eating the stuff within the next week or before it goes bad (whichever comes first).  That’s maybe 4 or 5 meals of the stuff over several days.  I really need more variety.  The frozen versions of the stuff seem to be more useful to me at this point.

I don’t have a bomb shelter, though.  More is the pity.  I have lots of food waiting to go into it.  There might even be popcorn, crackers, and chips.  Can you say fallout party?  What do you overbuy and why?

Stay tuned for my interview with Maureen Wurtz with the U of Nebraska’s College of Journalism.  That is, if it’s not worse than I recall.  Also be on alert for future DB eBooks!

The secret phrase is fallout party.

It’s LISTOMANIA!!

17 Types of Bachelor Pads

My 11 Favorite Christmas Albums

30 Favorite Songs of 2009 (1-15)

My 25 Humanoid Things

My Bucket List:  100 Things To Do Before I Die

11 Steps To Becoming A Domesticated Bachelor

Food Posts

Berry Smoothie & the Magic Blender

Easter Recipe: Mom’s Creamed Eggs and Croutons

Secret Ingredients & Family Recipes

How Cooking Hijacked My Diet

Becoming A Domesticated Bachelor: Step #4. Learn To Cook

My Bachelor Weight Loss Secrets: Sticking It To The Terrorists

Becoming A Domesticated Bachelor: Steps 8 & 9. Proper Socialization/Throw Parties

Becoming A Domesticated Bachelor: Step #3. Shape Up, Fatty

Stuffed French Toast By Sam The Cooking Guy

Oral History Fixation Cooking

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Berry Smoothie and the Magic Blender

by Jonathan Berry Perry

Violet & the Oompa Loompas

A few weeks back the stars aligned.  First, mom gave me her old avocado-green blender, which is totally 1970s chic and probably older than I am, but it still works.  Then, I started on a berry kick.  Most notably a blueberry kick.  Berries, especially blueberries, are supposed to be good for the brain, are loaded with fiber, vitamins, and nutrients, and have a boatload of antioxidants which act as ninjas to fight free radicals which cause cancer and other junk.  Ninjas!

Good stuff.  So I started scarfing blueberries by the handful and sprinkling them in my cereal until there were more blueberries than Mini-Wheats (I’d been eating cereal for other, non-breakfast, meals, so I had berries coming out my ears.  Blue milk in your cereal is pretty wicked, too.  I have not turned blue yet like that wicked child in Willy Wonka‘s chocolate factory).  I like most berries, being multi-berry tolerant, so I gradually added other types of berries to my blueberried cereal:  blackberries, strawberries, and raspberries.  If the market carried more weirdly named berries like gooseberries, lingonberries or boysenberries, I’d try those in a second.  Are there goat berries?  There totally should be.  No Marionberries for me, though (There really is a Marionberry, but it‘s not named after the nose candy dude.  I‘d try it if I could find it.  Oh, and the Marionberry is a blackberry.).

This brings me to the crazy awesome berry smoothie.  I’ve been making loads of them lately.  I know I’m late to the smoothie game, I didn’t invent them, and everyone else probably already makes them like pros all the time in their sleep at work, but I’m still quite excited.  I also beat McDonald’s to the punch (so McD‘s can bite me.  Also, your jingle sucks.).  I’m not selling them like McD’s, though, so I guess, we’re not really rivals.  Anymore.

I’ve been using the smoothies as meals and desserts, increasing my fruit intake and decreasing my processed sugar and caloric intake (hopefully) while consuming hearty goodness.  They taste fantastic and they’re super easy to make (I mean, if you have a blender).  In fact, they’re even kind of fun to make because you can experiment with strange tastes and throw different fruits into your mix to create interesting combinations and you can really do no wrong, as long as you like the way it tastes and don‘t die from, like, adding a poison mushroom accidentally to the recipe (though if you‘re adding mushrooms to your fruit smoothies, God help you).

I mentioned my new found smoothie operation to some friends and one of the girls asked if I was using a Vita Mix, which is apparently a pretty awesome piece of blending equipment that specializes in zombie brain smoothies.  I admitted to having an Osterizer that’s perhaps 40 years old with dull blades that would do a poor job on the smooth muscles of a brain and anyway I‘m a vegetarian.  And not a zombie.  The ancient Osterizer sits on the kitchen counter next to my 40 year-old Kitchen Aid mixer in some sort of appliance convalescence.  Another girl, feeling sagey, said that when an appliance is older than you, it’s probably a good idea to upgrade.  Resisting the urge to pull her hair, I pointed out that so far I’m only squishing fruits and berries into a tasty drinkable food substance and would probably be ok for the time being or at least until I start a small kitchen fire.

However, newly intrigued by the possibility of acquiring a nifty magic piece of equipment to change food from solids to liquids, from chewable to drinkable, I decided to buy a new blending device.  The blades would be sharp , the container made of glass, the buttons awesome, and it would look pretty excellent in my bachelor kitchen.  First, I had to do a little research.

Right away I found that the Vita Mix blenders sell in the $400-500 range, so that was a no go, since I‘m saving up to one day buy the Golden Gate Bridge.  Don’t get me wrong, they’re considered to be the best and most powerful blenders on the market and maybe in another lifetime I’d spring for it, but not now.  No, I just want to destroy little berries and bananas and figured I could do it much more cheaply.

Instead, I went with an Oster, basically a great-great grandchild of the avocado-green one from mom.   Osters are among the best rated blenders not in the $500 range.  They’re usually under $100.  In this case there was a sale, plus I had a store discount, so I ended up getting the thing for under $40.  Score!

For most of the smoothies I make, there are basically 3 types of ingredients:  berries, bananas, and soy milk.  At the moment, I’m using low-fat vanilla-flavored almond milk which is good stuff.  I know there are people who aren’t into soy or almond or rice milk, and are thinking “Dude, give me the real stuff.“, and if that’s the case, cow’s milk works fine (though there‘s some cholesterol and you‘re totally going to die).

I blend the milk and banana together before I start throwing in the berries.  Next, I usually add any frozen berries or fruit.  These frozen berries are great because they help make your smoothie nice and cold from the outset, also the flash-frozen fruit is supposed to preserve the precious nutrients better than berries sitting on the produce shelf for weeks.  I probably use ½ cup of frozen blueberries and ½ cup of frozen strawberries, but I don‘t really measure cuz I‘m a rebel like that.  I could call this random lack of measurement a glob, like a pinch or smidgen, but much bigger.

After I’ve added the frozen stuff, I throw in rinsed non-funky berries (although funkyberries sound cool).  I’m not really sure how much goes in, but I kind of eyeball it and probably add another cup or more of all that.  You might even try adding yogurt.  There’s an abandoned raspberry gelato in my freezer that I don’t much care for, so I might chuck that in (These smoothies taste better than that raspberry gelato).  I usually reach 3 or 4 cups of smoothie, by this point, and since a serving of fruit is ½ cup,  allowing for the milk, this might come out to 5 to 7 servings of fruit.  I usually end up with 2 or 3 large glasses of smoothie.  I may or may not have added a 2nd banana just to be weird.

Ultimately, I want to branch out from the berries and try other fruit.  Experiment with pear.  Go crazy with coconuts.  Get goofy with guava.  I added a nectarine and a mango a few days ago and they were superb.  Last week I added some amino acid to the smoothie.  Why, you ask?  Because I’m off my rocker.  The amino acid is in the form of huge double-horse pills I bought a while back for weight lifting.  I’ll need to be sure to chop the pills up better next time because there were unpleasantly large chunks of amino acid pills in my smoothie.  Blech.  This was my least favorite batch of the junk.

Some people add bran (not brain), whey, and other random healthy stuff to their smoothies.  I’ll have to mess around with these and see if they‘re not completely loathsome.  I’ve had good results with wheat germ and flaxseed and spices like cinnamon, cloves, and nutmeg.  Otherwise, the basic berry smoothie recipe is easy, very tasty, and quite good for you.  And I haven’t turned blue yet.

What smoothie combos do you like?

The secret made-up compound word is Funkyberries

Related Foodish Posts:

Easter Recipe:  Mom’s Creamed Eggs and Croutons

9 Foods I Might As Well Move To The Bomb Shelter

Secret Ingredients & Family Recipes

How Cooking Hijacked My Diet

Becoming A Domesticated Bachelor: Step #4. Learn To Cook

My Bachelor Weight Loss Secrets: Sticking It To The Terrorists

Becoming A Domesticated Bachelor: Steps 8 & 9. Proper Socialization/Throw Parties

Becoming A Domesticated Bachelor: Step #3. Shape Up, Fatty

Stuffed French Toast By Sam The Cooking Guy

Oral History Fixation Cooking

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17 Types of Bachelor Pads

by Jonathan Bonobo Perry

ABC has a new cheesetastic reality tv show called The Bachelor Pad which seems like it might combine The Bachelor with Big Brother and The Real World after they’ve soaked in a briny vat of The Girls Next Door.  It promises an abnormally good-looking and freakishly healthy cast of cast-offs from previous reality shows being overly-dramatic and dramatically-amorous in a fine and expensive model home.  Pray, what will this bachelor pad be like?  Certainly it has everything.  Entertainment, games, and watery places, perhaps 7 hot tubs (so a few could be decontaminated simultaneously).  This got me thinking about types of Bachelor Pads as theme parks for men or rather types of homes for types of bachelors. What if guys were only one-dimensional and could each be pigeonholed into one tidy category?  Here’s who 17 of those guys would be and how their bachelor pads would be set up to reflect the weirdness.

1 Lothario/Lech Pad-Round spinning bed, cocktail bar, fancy lighting, a fine collection of loungy mood music.  It would be like the digs for Quagmire from Family Guy or for Austin Powers, replete with bathrobes and smoking jackets and lots of velvet.  A hot tub.  This is usually the first picture that comes to mind when one thinks of the classic bachelor pad.  It’s a lie.  Mostly.

2 Gamer Pad-Comfy chair for all that sitting.  Probably plush.  A couple gaming systems (XBox, Nintendo, Playstation, Wii) backed up by a quality entertainment system.  Dice and game parts for various role playing games.  Occupant-pasty sleepy nerd. 

3 Partier Pad-A sufficient supply of food and beverages and, if lucky, easily cleaned surfaces.  Large tv and other entertainment devices:  good stereo, lots of music, the gamer’s gaming system, some board games and backyard games.  Possibly a jacuzzi and a grill in the awesome backyard.  There might be a firepit.  Tiki torches?

4 Handyman Pad-Handmade furniture or carvings.  An extensive collection of tools and parts.  A fine workbench in the garage.  Powerdrill always plugged into the wall.  Multiple projects at different stages of completion spread about the garage and house.  Possibly a classic car parked in the garage being restored.

5 Traveler Pad-Travel books, posters, and paintings.  Souvenirs and maps.  Photo albums of trips.  Several suitcases, bags & perhaps an enormous travel cases like Jimmy Stewart‘s from It’s A Wonderful Life.

6 Collector Pad-The house may be overrun and/or decorated by strange collections:  stamps, baseball cards, license plates, Coca-Cola memorabilia.  Butterflies.  Places to store and display all this stuff have been set aside. The Antique-r is a sub-specialist of collector. Or is it the other way around?

7 Gadget Dude Pad-Assorted collection of the latest and greatest gadgets both electronic and mechanical.  Not only does he have the latest ostentatious Apple product (iPhone, iPad, iTouch), he also has camcorders, ereaders, robots, roombas, gps’s.

8 Reader Pad-Several bookcases, maybe some built-ins for a large a well-organized library (possibly numbered books, as if it were a real library).  There might be a list of books lent out and who has them and why you’ll never get them back.  (Chris?  Marshall?).  If he’s gone gadgety, there might be an Amazon Kindle or a similar ereader.

9 Sports Fan Pad-There will be lots of sports memorabilia, some of it plastered to the walls.  Maybe jerseys of the home team.  There could be game highlight footage on DVD.  There might even be sports cards, but certainly sports magazines.

10 Movie and TV-Buff Pad-Huge TV entertainment system with surround sound.  Lots of DVDs.  Lots of VHS tapes with the player.  Possibly a Beta player and Beta tapes for some rare ancient weirdness.

11 Musician Pad-Instruments.  The pinnacle is a grand piano or a specialty guitar signed by some dead rock legend.  Recording equipment.  A fine hi-fi system that spans the years from phonograph to 8-track to cassette to cd to mp3 player.  There will be plenty of albums to play on this system.  There might be busts of musicians and sheets of music.  Perhaps rooms have been modified to adjust acoustics.

12 Fitness Enthusiast Pad-In this pad might be found a bicycle and helmet.  If he’s a daredevil he might have mountain-climbing equipment, otherwise regular (and strange) exercise devices: dumb bells, stationary bike, treadmill, elliptical, medicine ball.  He might have his own awards from previous sporty endeavors.

13 Animal Lover Pad-Aquariums, terrariums, cages and kennels.  Leashes and bowls on the floor.  Adorable creatures that want to eat and bite you and need to use the facilities which may or may not be in your house.  Animal hair everywhere.  Unsolved allergy issues.  Hello Kitty stationery?  Maybe that’s just a sub-genre.

14 Hoarder Pad-this comes from mixing too many of the other categories together and having certain psychological issues.

15 Artist/Photographer Pad-Paints and brushes.  Easels and canvas and frames.  Cameras and camera equipment.  Maybe a dark room for old film.  Some of his own work might be framed on the wall as well as his inspirations’ works.  Art supplies and works are spread all over the house.

16 Gardener/Plant Guy Pad-Much of this guy’s stuff would be in the backyard: Veggie garden, flowers, other odd plants.  Sometimes the greenery will come inside and there will be pots of living greenstuff (non-mold) around the house.  There might be books and magazines for gardening ideas and tips.

17 Chef/Cook Pad-This dude has a kitchen full of quality cooking equipment.  Pots and pans and skillets or whatever.  There will be odd measuring devices which might use the metric system or stuff like pinch or smidgen.  He’ll have lots of spices and fancy oils.  The cupboards and fridge are stocked with all kinds of food.

Certainly your type has been overlooked.  That just means you’re weird.

The secret word is pigeonhole

Related Reading:

How NOT To Decorate The Bachelor Pad

My Bachelor Pad

Bachelor Step #10: Collect the Right Toys

Bachelor Step #1: THE BACHELOR PAD

$15 Million Ultimate Bachelor Pad

Tenuously Related Reading:

Google-Stalking The Ex

Logan’s Run & Population Control

World Of Warcraft…Dating?

Bachelors In History

Sound Of Music Death Match!!! Liesl v Maria

Kitten Of Evil

Celebrity Crushes: The Girl Next Door

Which Is Your Type? A Pseudo-Cosmo Quiz

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State of the Bachelor Address: July

by Sir Jonathan Boniface Perry

My fellow blog readers, we do not harass Caesar with tickle fights to haze him, but to Epilady him because he’s Mediterranean and obviously pretty hairy (Mediterranean men recognize their condition and are not offended.  Especially Caesar.).  Yea, verily, here’s the state of the bachelor:  Hungry!  No, really, here it is:

1. Whenever the theme song for “The Office” plays, I make up another song on the spot and sing it over the top of the theme.  Sometimes there are lyrics which may or may not include “Shake your butt.  Shake your butt, baby.”  I’m working on that.  On a related note, I’m sad to hear that Steve Carell plans to leave the show at the end of next season.  Bummer.

2. Last week I was accidentally subscribed to Ladies Home Journal.  Also Parents Magazine and Family Circle.  Probably a sweepstakes entry gone bad, though I don’t rule out a clever prank.  My issue of Family Circle arrived in the mail today.  Really, I did cancel them.

3. Found a dead bird.  1st bird this year.  3 last year.  My yard might be cursed.  I also suspect vuvuzelas.  Or soccer in general.  I left the bird because it was on the edge of the yard and had already been sitting several days.  It smelled a bit & its little claws were sticking up all twig-like.  I mowed around it, so there’s a small square patch unmowed on the side of my front lawn being fertilized a special way.

4. Yes, I realize DB could also stand for Douche Bag.  Oy.

5. I traced several lines of ancestors back into Switzerland for a few hundred years to as early as the 1500s. Crazy awesome! That’s 500 years!  Didn’t know we had any Swiss.  I knew about a few of our German lines, as well as Chippewa, Cherokee, likely Welsh and Dutch, but not about the Swiss.  Still haven’t found how my dad might be related to Benjamin Franklin.  (More to come later on this genealogy business.  Probably.)

6. Average daily blog hits in June- over 100!

7. Found a great Belgian Chocolate Gelato sold by the pint at the supermarket.  Need to quit buying it so I can lose weight.

8. (Update on nicknaming post.) a)Darrin at work has started calling me Pretty Pretty Princess.  Retribution is required.  b)I’m trying out other nicknames for Paul J. who was non-plussed by the nickname Paulina.  Paolo was also apparently inadequate.  I’m thinking Polyglot or something else with Poly-.  Maybe Polymer (not Polyamorous).  c)Still need a good nickname for Randy besides Bookie and Wizzer (not a spelling error from me).  Randalina doesn’t quite do it.  Maybe the Great Randini. d) Nickname for Dave Micek, DJ Mice K, is still super awesome!

9.Today, the aforementioned Apollo Polyglot at work guessed I was only 27 years old (he’s 10 yrs off).   This, of course, rocks.  Not sure whether this guess was based on my maturity or if my vampire white skin is paying off.

10. Need to renew my passport for that cruise in Dec.  It needs to be valid for 6 months after the trip, but mine would only be good for 5 1/2 months after.  Oh, hey, I’m taking a cruise.  I’ll sunburn in style.

11. I now have over 13,000 songs on my iPod!  Sure, a few hundred tracks are chapters of audio books.  Sure, I had to finally upload a few of those Mozart CDs last night that had been sitting around unused for a few years.  Sure, 135 of those tracks are of my own poorly recorded music and of those maybe 30 are duplicates.  Do I have a 2-disc set of a Bulgarian women’s folk choir singing Bulgarian folk songs leftover from a world music binge in the ’90s?  Yes, I do.  But I’ve reached a special milestone.  If you figure that each album averages 10 tracks, this would mean I should have about 1,300 albums.   According to my iTunes it would take 35 days to listen to this 58GB of songs.  Will I listen to all of these songs straight through uninterrupted over those 35 days?  I will not in a boat with a goat.  But I can, if I wish to kill myself that way.  Also, there is chocolate gelato.

12. Thwarted a kitchen invasion by ants last week.  They were probably displaced by the recent heavy rains.  I gassed my house with poison that probably was the cause of my subsequent sickness.

13. Put down 120 lbs of topsoil near the foundation of the house to fill low spots that were pooling with water during those heavy rains.  Need more.  A little water was leaking into the basement.  On a positive note, I could set-up a Slip-and-Slide in the garage.

In conclusion, that is the recent state of the bachelor.  Will there be changes?  Probably.  Will they be snail-paced?  Most certainly.   Will you have a good Independence Day/July 4th Holiday?  I hope so.  May the force be with you.

The secret word is Polyphonic

A Similar List:

My 25 Humanoid Things

Related Links:

Nicknaming Your Friends For Fun (and Revenge)

Other Linky Links:

Will Your Siblings Use Up The Good Names?

A Photographic Memory

Children, Braid Your Nosehairs

Couples vs Singles: Socialization

Bachelors In History

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The Brady Bunch: “Time To Change”

The Brady Bunch kids wish to remind of the time change by singing this puberty-induced song.  Push your clocks ahead an hour today (if you’ve already done it, don’t do it twice).  Be sure to tip Peter Brady on the way out.

The secret word is tiger.

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Hibernation Time: Breaking The 40 Pound Barrier

It's hibernation time

As you may or may not know, I’ve been shedding pounds like snake skin since last April.  It had a little to do with improving self-confidence, especially around quiet bookish girls, and I’ve kept at it.  I lost 25 pounds pretty quickly (in 12 weeks), and eked my way to 30 lbs by Labor Day, but it’s been slow going since.  I’ve even lost another 6-7-8 pounds, depending on the day.  That means as much as 38 lbs total since April (today is a fat day, so it might only be 36 lbs right now).  I’ve hit a wall, though.  I can’t quite break the 40 pound barrier.  Inspirations and motivations have waned steadily the last few months and that might have contributed to my stagnation.  Also, my front lawn has become tundra and I seem to have rediscovered sugar (mostly chocolate).

Being a few pounds shy of 40 pounds for 2-3 months is a bummer, but I did well not fattening up for the holidays.  In fact, when I was in CA visiting family for Christmas, I went on several walks in my grandparents’ neighborhood.  This, of course, was a necessary therapy that kept me from madness around certain relations, but it also kept me from becoming the Christmas goose.  In fact, I weighed in thinner than both my brothers for the first time in forever which is pretty awesome.  Now that my birthday is next week, Groundhog Day, even, I feel it’s my duty to force the issue and finally reach the mythical 40 pounds by my birthday, even if I have to starve myself that last 36 hrs.  I’m pretty sure I could do it.  It’s 3-4 pounds in about 7 days, so it’ll be close, but I’ve done it before. It would be a cool birthday present.

Hitting those round marks is great.  20 pounds.  25.  30.  35.  By April Fools I’d like to hit 50 pounds.  Heck, why not by St. Patrick’s Day?  Oh, the dream of thinness lives on.  Getting those good abs back by summer would be swell.  From there, who knows.  Maybe Gandhi-chic.

The secret word is bear.

Related Reading:

How Cooking Hijacked My Diet

Becoming A Domesticated Bachelor: Step #4. Learn To Cook

My Bachelor Weight Loss Secrets: Sticking It To The Terrorists

Becoming A Domesticated Bachelor: Steps 8 & 9. Proper Socialization/Throw Parties

Becoming A Domesticated Bachelor: Step #3. Shape Up, Fatty

Stuffed French Toast By Sam The Cooking Guy

Oral History Fixation Cooking

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Domesticated Bachelor RESOLUTIONS For 2010

Happy New Year and junk! 2008 and 2009 were great years for me.  I made swell strides in personal improvement:  bought a house, changed jobs for the first time in 9 years, lost almost 40 pounds, finished writing a book, started this blog, and dated a few good-looking and fascinating (if unhappy) women.  2010 is promising and I hope to take a hearty chunk out of its hopeful offerings.  Here’s my (public) list of resolutions for the new year (the private list may or may not include shameful notions like ‘Online Dating’,  ‘Invisalign’, and job advancement.  Yes, the public list is shameful, too.).

  1. Get below 200 pounds for the first time since just after college (Allow for muscle tone & abs.  If there’s good muscle tone and a nice 6 pack, then just over 200 pounds is fine and not bad for a 6 footer built like a linebacker.  Or me.).   I could totally do it by summer.  Maybe.
  2. Get more sleep.  Unless I’m hanging out with attractive women until the wee hours, there’s no reason I should exhaust myself and make my brain dull and eyes red (though bloodshot brings out the blue in my eyes).  This may mean more hopeful cocktails of Melatonin & Tylenol PM.  Of course insomnia is insomnia.
  3. Save more and invest more.  $$ x $$= $$$$$$
  4. Be more confident & fearless.  Don’t care what people think (like the unhappy, uber-critical, pretty good-looking girl-woman I was sorta kinda not dating for 6 months who teased me a few times for not being manly enough.  Man, I miss her.).  Also, don’t overshare feelings, especially with uber-critical women.
  5. Be more manly & rugged.  (ok, yeah.  So I’d like to be a bit more dude-ish, but not in an obvious, obnoxious, pandering to the critics sort of way).  I’ll still listen to the Pet Shop Boys.
  6. Do one major home project:  new siding, update a bathroom or the kitchen (by ‘do’, I mean pay someone skilled to ‘do’ this project).
  7. Do 2 minor home projects:  trim, doorway casing, paint stuff.
  8. Plant at least one new tree on my property.  Front yard 1st.  Maybe a Birch or Japanese Maple.  Maybe both.  Also an evergreen.  That sounds like 3.
  9. Do some landscaping.  Flagstone walkway.  Sunken garden in the low corner of the backyard.  Junk like that.
  10. Learn a manly skill or 2, like wiring a new light fixture or building a built-in bookcase.  Or join a fantasy football league.  It shouldn’t be as exhausting as the daily fantasy baseball league I was in for 2 years.
  11. Do more cool adventurous sorts of things:  whitewater rafting, backpacking, large hill climbing, long trail hiking.  Canoeing the boundary waters (if there are showers).
  12. Be more sociable & less reclusive.  More Jay Gatsby, less Ted Kaczynski.  Also, make friends.
  13. Date more frequently & less stressfully.  More irons in the fire reduce the chance that a single iron will burn you.  Or something dumb.
  14. Finish writing one of the books I’ve been puttering around in.  I’ve been chipping away at 3 or 4 books, but get distracted easily.  One project has 22 pages of notes, but only 7 pages of written product.  What’s up with that?
  15. Resume writing music.  Finish some songs.  Maybe learn to use the Pro Tools recording software I bought in ’08 right before I bought the house.  (If ever tempted to write a song for a girl again, sleep on it a few days first and be sure it’s finished and not incredibly dorky.  Or containing dark humor.  Dangit.)
  16. Waste less time.  This includes spending less pointless time online or wasting too much time on wishy-washy women, however much you dig them and can’t get over them.
  17. If all else fails, follow the 11 Steps To Becoming A Domesticated Bachelor.

(Again, I am not actually a Domesticated Bachelor.  I just play one in my mind.)

What resolutions do you goats have for 2010?

Related Reading:

11 Steps To Becoming A Domesticated Bachelor

Unrelated Awesome Reads:

Google-Stalking The Ex

Logan’s Run & Population Control

Valentine’s Day Shame

World Of Warcraft…Dating?

Bachelors In History

Sound Of Music Death Match!!! Liesl v Maria

Kitten Of Evil

Celebrity Crushes: The Girl Next Door

Which Is Your Type? A Pseudo-Cosmo Quiz

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How Cooking Hijacked My Diet

Swedish Chef.  Bork

Swedish Chef. Bork

by Jonathan Bork Bork Perry

So, I’ve put a moratorium on the baking and cooking.  I was pleased with myself to finally be making non-sandwich food.  I’d done it before, just not so compulsively and not in a long while.  But here’s the conundrum:  Extra cooking means more eating and less weight loss.  My remedial chef skills are coming around (sort of) and it’s great to eat tasty junk you’ve made yourself.  However, this generally means fixing a dish or pan or something that might serve a hockey team, but I live alone, so I end up eating brownies for several days.  Or cake.  Or peach cobbler a la mode (All from boxes.  Don’t get too excited, mom.).

Now, I really have been trying to lose weight.  Between April and June, I lost 20 pounds.

Berry Cobbler-July 12

Berry Cobbler-July 12

So far, I’ve lost 30 pounds, as of today, actually, but based on my earlier trajectory I should have lost 50 pounds by now (I know it slows down as you get closer, but whatever). I started this whole kitchen self-improvement/domestication thing with the aforementioned baked goods as well as cooking falafel, pasta, and eggs, but it’s totally messed up my well-designed weight-loss plan.  Certainly I could freeze things or refrigerate them, but eh.  The stuff’s there calling my name.  I must answer, if only for research.

Cake-June 14. Went bad b4 I could eat it all

Cake-June 14. Went bad b4 I could eat it all

For years, I’ve eaten microwaveable meals from the likes of Weight Watchers or Lean Cuisine, even though I haven’t been in those diet programs (grocery stores carry the dinners). I still eat them regularly for maybe 25% of my meals. These portions are well-sized and usually fairly healthy. I generally eat well, with the huge exception of  desserts, especially chocolate.  I scarf that stuff down like a drowning person coming back up for air.  Still, I’ve even learned to control myself with the sugar stuff.

Falafel (not actually the batch I made)

Falafel (not actually the batch I made)

So, what have I learned from all this?  I’ve learned to pace myself with the cooking and baking, to try cooking some more healthy foods (possibly inedible sounding stuff), to not be afraid to freeze things (I wasted a third of a cake because I didn’t freeze it), and that I should work on my self-control, especially when it comes to baked goods still warm and gooey from the oven.  Mmmm.  Oh, and maybe I could take some excess food to work and pawn it off on the coworkers, or something.  Doing these things should help me strike a balance between eating healthy and being the Swedish Chef.

non-magical brownies-June 27

non-magical brownies-June 27

Related Reading:

Becoming A Domesticated Bachelor: Step #4. Learn To Cook

My Bachelor Weight Loss Secrets: Sticking It To The Terrorists

Becoming A Domesticated Bachelor: Steps 8 & 9. Proper Socialization/Throw Parties

Becoming A Domesticated Bachelor: Step #3. Shape Up, Fatty

Stuffed French Toast By Sam The Cooking Guy

Oral History Fixation Cooking

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Visually-Oriented Women??

slob1Visually-oriented women?  What’s up with that?  Apparently it’s true.  My friend PM Chin says it is and she’s a girl (woman.  sorry.).

“Here’s the difference in how we approach and value attractiveness: men look at women as if we are already furnished, designer decorated houses, but women look at men more like fixer-upper homes, the kind that need a lot of work.”

After a few delightfully scathing admonishments, Chin has some useful advice for the guys.  Really a funny piece.  Read the full article here:  Turnabout Is Fair Play

There should be a new article about relationships forthcoming (maybe Sunday).  I’m working on a few posts at the moment, but the pigs need more lipstick first.

Related Reading:

Other Posts By PM Chin

Children, Braid Your Nosehairs

11 Steps To Becoming A Domesticated Bachelor:  #3. Shape Up, Fatty

11 Steps To Becoming A Domesticated Bachelor: #2. The Right Wardrobe

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