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diet

The Great Suburban Mushroom Hunt

 

morels mushrooms hunting“Hey Wookiee,” Randy hailed me from across the office, “I was thinking we might go mushroom hunting Friday after work. We’ll see if we can get Galen to come, too.”

“AWESOME! That would really boost my Mo-REL.”

Randy had just been mushroom hunting a few days before and bagged several tasty morels out at his old hunting grounds in the country. He’d been mushroom hunting since he was knee high to a grasshopper, as had a few other coworkers, but until about 3 years ago I didn’t know it was a thing.

Though I’d lived in Nebraska 20 years, I hadn’t really been tight with any old-school Nebraska natives or known the strange ways of the country folk until one day I overheard Randy and Dave whispering about the hunt in reverently excited tones (which would have sounded cooler with Irish/Amish accents). Read the rest of this entry »

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The Bachelor Goat Who Liked To Eat: A Cautionary Tale

(To be recited in an elegant English accent or Suessian manner near a big red barn, overlooking grazing goats, while standing on your head in the mud, until the farmer chases you off his property with a shotgun.) There once was a young goat named Gatsby the Bleater, who never stopped feeding, he was such a big eater. Read the rest of this entry »

Secret Ingredients and Family Recipes

recipe box recipes

not my recipe box (don't have one)

by Jonathan Boxlunch Perry

Recently, I visited my mom in Minnesota, and while there I took the opportunity to dig through her recipe boxes and copy my favorite recipes for yummy happy eating time.  Fortunately, I had my camera, so I just photographed them.  You didn’t think I was going to hand copy 25 recipes in one sitting, did you?  I’m not a medieval monk.  In fact, during my visit, she helped me cook some stuff, even though she’s been quite ill.  Actually, I helped her.  The food was delicious, I got fatter, we bonded, I practiced domesticity.  There you go.  This will help me circumvent having to call her for recipes.  I’ll still call her, of course, being the doting son and mama‘s boy that I am.  It’ll just be more for the weather report.  And tips on removing stains.  Stuff like that.  Oh, and to check up on her.

So we grow up with these tasty dishes and hopefully learn to make them ourselves or mate with someone who can make reasonable facsimiles and hope there‘s no withheld secret ingredient to throw off a recipe.  I mean, who would do that?  Who does grandma think she is, passing off recipes without all the ingredients?  Is there some posthumous cooking contest she’s trying to win?  Her competition is either dead or senile in a home and  isn’t allowed near the stove anyway for fear of a fiery death.  Or did she think Kellogg-Kraft was going to rip off her 10-layer lasagna and cash in?  And what if grandma goes to the great beyond before she shares her terrible secret (which is probably a teaspoon of cinnamon)?  I’ll tell you what, you’ll be stuck eating inferior food the rest of your life and may be forced to abandon family tradition for Martha Stewart’s hoity-toity ringer recipe that requires obscure ingredients like Mongolian goat bouillon!  or whatever.  Well, that just won’t do.  Also, I’m a non-goat-eating vegetarian.  Only fake-goat bouillon for me, thank-you.

recipe texas sheet cake

Texas Sheet Cake Recipe

I’ve helped my mom make many of these dishes over the years and can probably replicate them if forced at gunpoint, though quite slowly and not as expertly.  One thing I noticed while searching the recipe boxes is that many of these recipes were ones she acquired from her friends over a period of 50+ years.  They say things like “From the Kitchen of Linda” or Vicki or Arlene.  There are also those special recipes from my grandmas and even an awesome one from my great-grandma Gottschall:  Dutch Apple Cake.  Yum!  It’s nice to know you’re making something that your great-grandma made 80 years ago.  Perhaps she got the recipe from her great-grandma, pushing the baked goods lineage back a few hundred years into Europe when sugar was first making a diabetic splash (you try not to suspect the recipe was copied from a 1930s issue of Better Homes and Gardens).

I always look forward to my mom, grandma and aunts cooking for me.  They make great stuff and sometimes there are weird memories tied to the food, like that time mom made lentils and my brother Jay tricked her into giving him the birthright.  Good times (see Genesis).  But these moments are fading.  It’s a good thing my brothers and I cook (well, mostly my brothers) or some of these recipes would just disappear forever and everyone would forget what Broccoli Jello Surprise tastes like (okay, that‘s not a family recipe).  Actually, I’m sure many have disappeared from generation to generation, which is sad.  Really, though, it’s survival of the fittest recipes.  I only copied about 25 recipes, after all, not the full 200.  (I never claimed to be an archivist.  I‘ll get more later.).  But of the recipes I have, all the ingredients seem to be intact, which is a relief.  Everything tastes right.  No glaring omissions from grandma.  No wrong-tasting Special K Loaf.  No secret ingredients withheld.  Unless the secret ingredient is love (and that just seems like a therapy issue).

Stay Tuned for a Bachelor Eating eBook!

the secret word is bouillon

Fooood Posts

9 Foods I Might As Well Move To The Bomb Shelter

Berry Smoothie & the Magic Blender

Easter Recipe: Mom’s Creamed Eggs and Croutons

How Cooking Hijacked My Diet

Becoming A Domesticated Bachelor: Step #4. Learn To Cook

My Bachelor Weight Loss Secrets: Sticking It To The Terrorists

Becoming A Domesticated Bachelor: Steps 8 & 9. Proper Socialization/Throw Parties

Becoming A Domesticated Bachelor: Step #3. Shape Up, Fatty

Stuffed French Toast By Sam The Cooking Guy

Oral History Fixation Cooking

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My Family’s Christmas Rituals

he-man spiderman nativity

A special kind of nativity

We’ve reached that time of year where I shamelessly exploit my family Christmas traditions by noting that I’ve written a book called The Gentle Art of Starting A Cult:  A Do-It-Yourself Guide, wherein I compare certain family Christmas traditions to cult rituals.  It’s really all very harmless.  Ah, what fond memories.  < > Hope you had a great Christmas.

Family CHRISTMAS RITUALS

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9 foods I might as well move to the bomb shelter

by Jonathan Bombpop Perry

Good Times in the Fallout Shelter

I don’t have a fallout shelter, but if I did (and I really should, just so I can get one of those signs) I could start filling it right now with these unused and under-consumed foods that have been long-neglected in my cupboards and freezer.  Yes, I tend to overbuy and not plan meals very carefully, often eating whichever frozen meal sounds tastiest.  I might as well store the surplus in a very special bomb shelter pantry.  These 9 foods are mostly great foods, but they’ve been sitting in my house for years in some cases and they’ll probably last forever anyway (the underused veggies and half loaves of bread won’t).  Besides, they’re taking up precious kitchen space.

1.  Soup-If I’m in the mood and the weather is cold, I’ll eat soup, but I really haven’t been in the mood and it hasn’t been cold for at least 6 months.  I like soup.  I mean, it’s easy to heat up, but ehh.  There’s always too much sodium.

2.  Ramen Noodle-Also a soup, Ramen Noodle is the vestigial tail of my college years.  It’s cheap, doesn’t take up much space and is pretty yummy.  I should eat some.  I wonder how old that package is.  I wonder if it’s buggy.

 

Quinoa

3. Quinoa-There were samples of quinoa (keen-wa) at the grocery store a few months ago.  It was delicious and I wanted to make the food sample lady feel useful, so I bought a package of the weird ricy/pastafarian/grain-stuff the Incans feasted on after sacrificing a virgin.  I know that I’m too lazy to recreate it the way she did  (the food sample lady not the sacrificial virgin) since this would require planning so that I return to the store and purchase ingredients for the fancy preparation.  In the nuclear fallout shelter, I’d be less picky and would just steam it or whatever.  Maybe use soy sauce.  Or spaghetti sauce.  I also need to make more rice.

4.  Spaghetti-Last year after I moved into my house I was really getting to know my kitchen and made attempts at growing up and cooking food like an adult.  It lasted about 3 months.  During this time, my big food was pasta.  Mostly spaghettis, but some raviolis.  Somehow I overbought sauce in jars, which I should eat.  I think there really is some sort of expiration/BPA leach date I should heed.  There are 4 jars of tomato sauce in the cupboard and one jar of opened pesto sauce in the fridge.  Oh, and noodles.

5.  Cake-I have many boxes of cake mix.  I’ve made a couple cakes, but have several still sitting there aging, luring bugs.  I’ve been making lots of tasty brownies instead.  Of course, cakes would be great in a bomb shelter.  Why not celebrate the end of civilization?  Also, I could just eat pudding.

6.  Instant Pudding-Honestly, this probably came from mom’s house 10 years ago before she moved out of the state (braised gluten also came from mom’s house).  These days if I want pudding, I’ll buy the pre-made stuff in those little prepackaged cups in as many weird flavors as I like (Blueberry Muffin Pudding, anyone?).  They’re cheap, too.  They may or may not require refrigeration.

 

I had some great potato pancakes just down the hill.

7.  Potato Pancake Mix-What the heck?  Yeah, I saw this at the market and being the impulsive buyer of weird stuff that’s not too expensive that I am, I brought it home where it decorates my cupboard (I found hummus and falafel mixes, too).  10 years ago when I was visiting Castle Neuschwanstein in Germany, we ate at a restaurant at the bottom of the hill between bits of tourist nirvana.  It just so happened that the potato pancakes dish was 1 of 2 vegetarian items on the menu.  It was magically delicious.  Anyway, maybe I’ll make it sometime.  Mom used to make potato pancakes out of leftover mashed potatoes.  Tasty.

8.  Fancy Exotic Dishes like Indian or Thai-I eat a lot of microwaveable meals, even Indian and Thai, but they’re mostly frozen microwaveable meals.  Of course there are microwaveable meals that don’t require freezing.  These sit in your cupboard all sealed up nicely waiting for Iranian nuclear warheads to destroy all electronic devices via EMPs (electromagnetic pulses), rendering microwaves useless.  I suppose a living room campfire would still heat up the stuff.  You could eat it with quinoa.

9.  Canned Veggie Meat-Being a vegetarian, I have occasion to eat veggie meat (and tofu and braised gluten).  I don’t really do it much these days, but if I would just bother to cook more, it might happen.  However, I have prepared for those times when I do have the perverse urge to cook.  Seriously cook.  That bit of cooking will require some great canned veggie meats from the likes of Worthington, Loma Linda, and Morningstar Farms.  It also usually requires 3 or 4 people to consume it at a meal.  If I dare open a can, I am basically committing myself to eating the stuff within the next week or before it goes bad (whichever comes first).  That’s maybe 4 or 5 meals of the stuff over several days.  I really need more variety.  The frozen versions of the stuff seem to be more useful to me at this point.

I don’t have a bomb shelter, though.  More is the pity.  I have lots of food waiting to go into it.  There might even be popcorn, crackers, and chips.  Can you say fallout party?  What do you overbuy and why?

Stay tuned for my interview with Maureen Wurtz with the U of Nebraska’s College of Journalism.  That is, if it’s not worse than I recall.  Also be on alert for future DB eBooks!

The secret phrase is fallout party.

It’s LISTOMANIA!!

17 Types of Bachelor Pads

My 11 Favorite Christmas Albums

30 Favorite Songs of 2009 (1-15)

My 25 Humanoid Things

My Bucket List:  100 Things To Do Before I Die

11 Steps To Becoming A Domesticated Bachelor

Food Posts

Berry Smoothie & the Magic Blender

Easter Recipe: Mom’s Creamed Eggs and Croutons

Secret Ingredients & Family Recipes

How Cooking Hijacked My Diet

Becoming A Domesticated Bachelor: Step #4. Learn To Cook

My Bachelor Weight Loss Secrets: Sticking It To The Terrorists

Becoming A Domesticated Bachelor: Steps 8 & 9. Proper Socialization/Throw Parties

Becoming A Domesticated Bachelor: Step #3. Shape Up, Fatty

Stuffed French Toast By Sam The Cooking Guy

Oral History Fixation Cooking

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Berry Smoothie and the Magic Blender

by Jonathan Berry Perry

Violet & the Oompa Loompas

A few weeks back the stars aligned.  First, mom gave me her old avocado-green blender, which is totally 1970s chic and probably older than I am, but it still works.  Then, I started on a berry kick.  Most notably a blueberry kick.  Berries, especially blueberries, are supposed to be good for the brain, are loaded with fiber, vitamins, and nutrients, and have a boatload of antioxidants which act as ninjas to fight free radicals which cause cancer and other junk.  Ninjas!

Good stuff.  So I started scarfing blueberries by the handful and sprinkling them in my cereal until there were more blueberries than Mini-Wheats (I’d been eating cereal for other, non-breakfast, meals, so I had berries coming out my ears.  Blue milk in your cereal is pretty wicked, too.  I have not turned blue yet like that wicked child in Willy Wonka‘s chocolate factory).  I like most berries, being multi-berry tolerant, so I gradually added other types of berries to my blueberried cereal:  blackberries, strawberries, and raspberries.  If the market carried more weirdly named berries like gooseberries, lingonberries or boysenberries, I’d try those in a second.  Are there goat berries?  There totally should be.  No Marionberries for me, though (There really is a Marionberry, but it‘s not named after the nose candy dude.  I‘d try it if I could find it.  Oh, and the Marionberry is a blackberry.).

This brings me to the crazy awesome berry smoothie.  I’ve been making loads of them lately.  I know I’m late to the smoothie game, I didn’t invent them, and everyone else probably already makes them like pros all the time in their sleep at work, but I’m still quite excited.  I also beat McDonald’s to the punch (so McD‘s can bite me.  Also, your jingle sucks.).  I’m not selling them like McD’s, though, so I guess, we’re not really rivals.  Anymore.

I’ve been using the smoothies as meals and desserts, increasing my fruit intake and decreasing my processed sugar and caloric intake (hopefully) while consuming hearty goodness.  They taste fantastic and they’re super easy to make (I mean, if you have a blender).  In fact, they’re even kind of fun to make because you can experiment with strange tastes and throw different fruits into your mix to create interesting combinations and you can really do no wrong, as long as you like the way it tastes and don‘t die from, like, adding a poison mushroom accidentally to the recipe (though if you‘re adding mushrooms to your fruit smoothies, God help you).

I mentioned my new found smoothie operation to some friends and one of the girls asked if I was using a Vita Mix, which is apparently a pretty awesome piece of blending equipment that specializes in zombie brain smoothies.  I admitted to having an Osterizer that’s perhaps 40 years old with dull blades that would do a poor job on the smooth muscles of a brain and anyway I‘m a vegetarian.  And not a zombie.  The ancient Osterizer sits on the kitchen counter next to my 40 year-old Kitchen Aid mixer in some sort of appliance convalescence.  Another girl, feeling sagey, said that when an appliance is older than you, it’s probably a good idea to upgrade.  Resisting the urge to pull her hair, I pointed out that so far I’m only squishing fruits and berries into a tasty drinkable food substance and would probably be ok for the time being or at least until I start a small kitchen fire.

However, newly intrigued by the possibility of acquiring a nifty magic piece of equipment to change food from solids to liquids, from chewable to drinkable, I decided to buy a new blending device.  The blades would be sharp , the container made of glass, the buttons awesome, and it would look pretty excellent in my bachelor kitchen.  First, I had to do a little research.

Right away I found that the Vita Mix blenders sell in the $400-500 range, so that was a no go, since I‘m saving up to one day buy the Golden Gate Bridge.  Don’t get me wrong, they’re considered to be the best and most powerful blenders on the market and maybe in another lifetime I’d spring for it, but not now.  No, I just want to destroy little berries and bananas and figured I could do it much more cheaply.

Instead, I went with an Oster, basically a great-great grandchild of the avocado-green one from mom.   Osters are among the best rated blenders not in the $500 range.  They’re usually under $100.  In this case there was a sale, plus I had a store discount, so I ended up getting the thing for under $40.  Score!

For most of the smoothies I make, there are basically 3 types of ingredients:  berries, bananas, and soy milk.  At the moment, I’m using low-fat vanilla-flavored almond milk which is good stuff.  I know there are people who aren’t into soy or almond or rice milk, and are thinking “Dude, give me the real stuff.“, and if that’s the case, cow’s milk works fine (though there‘s some cholesterol and you‘re totally going to die).

I blend the milk and banana together before I start throwing in the berries.  Next, I usually add any frozen berries or fruit.  These frozen berries are great because they help make your smoothie nice and cold from the outset, also the flash-frozen fruit is supposed to preserve the precious nutrients better than berries sitting on the produce shelf for weeks.  I probably use ½ cup of frozen blueberries and ½ cup of frozen strawberries, but I don‘t really measure cuz I‘m a rebel like that.  I could call this random lack of measurement a glob, like a pinch or smidgen, but much bigger.

After I’ve added the frozen stuff, I throw in rinsed non-funky berries (although funkyberries sound cool).  I’m not really sure how much goes in, but I kind of eyeball it and probably add another cup or more of all that.  You might even try adding yogurt.  There’s an abandoned raspberry gelato in my freezer that I don’t much care for, so I might chuck that in (These smoothies taste better than that raspberry gelato).  I usually reach 3 or 4 cups of smoothie, by this point, and since a serving of fruit is ½ cup,  allowing for the milk, this might come out to 5 to 7 servings of fruit.  I usually end up with 2 or 3 large glasses of smoothie.  I may or may not have added a 2nd banana just to be weird.

Ultimately, I want to branch out from the berries and try other fruit.  Experiment with pear.  Go crazy with coconuts.  Get goofy with guava.  I added a nectarine and a mango a few days ago and they were superb.  Last week I added some amino acid to the smoothie.  Why, you ask?  Because I’m off my rocker.  The amino acid is in the form of huge double-horse pills I bought a while back for weight lifting.  I’ll need to be sure to chop the pills up better next time because there were unpleasantly large chunks of amino acid pills in my smoothie.  Blech.  This was my least favorite batch of the junk.

Some people add bran (not brain), whey, and other random healthy stuff to their smoothies.  I’ll have to mess around with these and see if they‘re not completely loathsome.  I’ve had good results with wheat germ and flaxseed and spices like cinnamon, cloves, and nutmeg.  Otherwise, the basic berry smoothie recipe is easy, very tasty, and quite good for you.  And I haven’t turned blue yet.

What smoothie combos do you like?

The secret made-up compound word is Funkyberries

Related Foodish Posts:

Easter Recipe:  Mom’s Creamed Eggs and Croutons

9 Foods I Might As Well Move To The Bomb Shelter

Secret Ingredients & Family Recipes

How Cooking Hijacked My Diet

Becoming A Domesticated Bachelor: Step #4. Learn To Cook

My Bachelor Weight Loss Secrets: Sticking It To The Terrorists

Becoming A Domesticated Bachelor: Steps 8 & 9. Proper Socialization/Throw Parties

Becoming A Domesticated Bachelor: Step #3. Shape Up, Fatty

Stuffed French Toast By Sam The Cooking Guy

Oral History Fixation Cooking

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Bachelor Easter Recipe: Mom’s Creamed Eggs With Croutons

by Jonathan Boiled Perry

A few years ago I called my mom to get the recipe for an awesome egg dish she makes, mostly around Easter, and instead of saying “No way! Figure it our yourself, genius!” or “Get your own stupid recipe, you sponge!” she graciously obliged and now I can feed my face in a whole new glorious way.  It’s one of those tasty comfort foods my brothers and I really enjoyed while growing up in the Shire next to Bilbo.  I’ve made it a few times since and, against all odds, haven’t managed to screw it up.  I think it was the first recipe I “collected” and wrote down (come to think of it, it could be the only one).  Do I foresee a recipe box in my future?  Who knows.  I do know that this year I won’t be doing any Easter egg hunts with foxes and metal detectors and I probably won’t be dyeing any eggs with the pulp of an exotic flower, but I may make this recipe.  I should drag it out more because it’s good stuff (not in a cross-dressing drag sort of way).  In fact, I have a craving right now (again, non-drag). Now!

Mom’s Creamed Eggs With Croutons

(Makes 1 Serving)
2 Eggs
1 Cup Milk
2 Tbsp Margarine
2 Tbsp Flour
1/4 Tsp Salt

3 Slices of bread

Bread: Begin your journey of a thousand calories by cutting your bread slices into nifty crouton sizes, then spread the pieces on a cookie sheet or baking pan.  Put in the oven at a temp of 250 degrees.  This basically just lightly toasts your bread, but in a fancy way.  Keep an eye on the bread & remove before it gets brown.  This probably completes by the time you’re done making the egg sauce.  I suppose you could be lazy and lightly toast bread in a toaster, then cut it up.  You could probably even use real croutons, but that just seems wrong and you’d suck.

In the meantime, boil the 2 eggs.  (Here are egg-boiling instructions for the dudes who need them.)  In a pot-thingy cover the eggs with cold water.  Add whatever amount of salt you use to boil eggs (like pinches or smidgens, etc.  This is different from the salt listed in the ingredients.).  Cover and turn to high heat.  When it boils, turn down to low & let sit for 14 minutes (I guess this hard-boils it, which is how we do it in my tribe.  You might like it soft-boiled, if you’re weird.).

White Sauce: While this boiling business is doing it’s thang, get a saucy pan & spray it with Pam or some other spray stuff named after a woman and turn the temp to mostly high heat.  Add your margarine, flour, and salt and stir as it melts.  After it’s melty and mixed add milk, then turn temp to mostly high.  Stir constantly with a fork or something shiny.  When your cauldron comes to a boil, turn off the burner and when it bubbles in the middle, remove from burner.  Repeat the words “Double double toil and trouble.  Fire burn and cauldron bubble.”

Back to the eggs- run cold water in the egg pan.  (If you have time and are really in the mood, decorate your eggs.  Do the crazy colors!  See if the colors don’t bleed through the shell to the eatin’ parts.)  Peel your boiled eggs and cut them into chunks.  Stir the egg chunks into your white sauce.  Chunky.

You’re done.  Just put the bread on a plate, put the sauce on top and consume.  I should probably go make this again to be sure I didn’t leave anything out, just in case it called for strychnine (that may be one of mom’s other recipes).

Happy Easter!

The secret word is cauldron.

Cooking Related Reading:

The Great Suburban Mushroom Hunt

9 Foods I Might As Well Move To The Bomb Shelter

Secret Ingredients & Family Recipes

Grandma Gottschall’s DUTCH APPLE CAKE

Berry Smoothie & The Magic Blender

How Cooking Hijacked My Diet

Becoming A Domesticated Bachelor: Step #4. Learn To Cook

My Bachelor Weight Loss Secrets: Sticking It To The Terrorists

Becoming A Domesticated Bachelor: Steps 8 & 9. Proper Socialization/Throw Parties

Becoming A Domesticated Bachelor: Step #3. Shape Up, Fatty

Stuffed French Toast By Sam The Cooking Guy

Oral History Fixation Cooking

Holiday Reads:

Christmas Rituals

My 11 Favorite Christmas Albums

Holiday Chocolate-For Independence Day?

 

Valentine’s Day Shame

Presidents’ Day Special:  The Bachelor President

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Hibernation Time: Breaking The 40 Pound Barrier

It's hibernation time

As you may or may not know, I’ve been shedding pounds like snake skin since last April.  It had a little to do with improving self-confidence, especially around quiet bookish girls, and I’ve kept at it.  I lost 25 pounds pretty quickly (in 12 weeks), and eked my way to 30 lbs by Labor Day, but it’s been slow going since.  I’ve even lost another 6-7-8 pounds, depending on the day.  That means as much as 38 lbs total since April (today is a fat day, so it might only be 36 lbs right now).  I’ve hit a wall, though.  I can’t quite break the 40 pound barrier.  Inspirations and motivations have waned steadily the last few months and that might have contributed to my stagnation.  Also, my front lawn has become tundra and I seem to have rediscovered sugar (mostly chocolate).

Being a few pounds shy of 40 pounds for 2-3 months is a bummer, but I did well not fattening up for the holidays.  In fact, when I was in CA visiting family for Christmas, I went on several walks in my grandparents’ neighborhood.  This, of course, was a necessary therapy that kept me from madness around certain relations, but it also kept me from becoming the Christmas goose.  In fact, I weighed in thinner than both my brothers for the first time in forever which is pretty awesome.  Now that my birthday is next week, Groundhog Day, even, I feel it’s my duty to force the issue and finally reach the mythical 40 pounds by my birthday, even if I have to starve myself that last 36 hrs.  I’m pretty sure I could do it.  It’s 3-4 pounds in about 7 days, so it’ll be close, but I’ve done it before. It would be a cool birthday present.

Hitting those round marks is great.  20 pounds.  25.  30.  35.  By April Fools I’d like to hit 50 pounds.  Heck, why not by St. Patrick’s Day?  Oh, the dream of thinness lives on.  Getting those good abs back by summer would be swell.  From there, who knows.  Maybe Gandhi-chic.

The secret word is bear.

Related Reading:

How Cooking Hijacked My Diet

Becoming A Domesticated Bachelor: Step #4. Learn To Cook

My Bachelor Weight Loss Secrets: Sticking It To The Terrorists

Becoming A Domesticated Bachelor: Steps 8 & 9. Proper Socialization/Throw Parties

Becoming A Domesticated Bachelor: Step #3. Shape Up, Fatty

Stuffed French Toast By Sam The Cooking Guy

Oral History Fixation Cooking

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How Cooking Hijacked My Diet

Swedish Chef.  Bork

Swedish Chef. Bork

by Jonathan Bork Bork Perry

So, I’ve put a moratorium on the baking and cooking.  I was pleased with myself to finally be making non-sandwich food.  I’d done it before, just not so compulsively and not in a long while.  But here’s the conundrum:  Extra cooking means more eating and less weight loss.  My remedial chef skills are coming around (sort of) and it’s great to eat tasty junk you’ve made yourself.  However, this generally means fixing a dish or pan or something that might serve a hockey team, but I live alone, so I end up eating brownies for several days.  Or cake.  Or peach cobbler a la mode (All from boxes.  Don’t get too excited, mom.).

Now, I really have been trying to lose weight.  Between April and June, I lost 20 pounds.

Berry Cobbler-July 12

Berry Cobbler-July 12

So far, I’ve lost 30 pounds, as of today, actually, but based on my earlier trajectory I should have lost 50 pounds by now (I know it slows down as you get closer, but whatever). I started this whole kitchen self-improvement/domestication thing with the aforementioned baked goods as well as cooking falafel, pasta, and eggs, but it’s totally messed up my well-designed weight-loss plan.  Certainly I could freeze things or refrigerate them, but eh.  The stuff’s there calling my name.  I must answer, if only for research.

Cake-June 14. Went bad b4 I could eat it all

Cake-June 14. Went bad b4 I could eat it all

For years, I’ve eaten microwaveable meals from the likes of Weight Watchers or Lean Cuisine, even though I haven’t been in those diet programs (grocery stores carry the dinners). I still eat them regularly for maybe 25% of my meals. These portions are well-sized and usually fairly healthy. I generally eat well, with the huge exception of  desserts, especially chocolate.  I scarf that stuff down like a drowning person coming back up for air.  Still, I’ve even learned to control myself with the sugar stuff.

Falafel (not actually the batch I made)

Falafel (not actually the batch I made)

So, what have I learned from all this?  I’ve learned to pace myself with the cooking and baking, to try cooking some more healthy foods (possibly inedible sounding stuff), to not be afraid to freeze things (I wasted a third of a cake because I didn’t freeze it), and that I should work on my self-control, especially when it comes to baked goods still warm and gooey from the oven.  Mmmm.  Oh, and maybe I could take some excess food to work and pawn it off on the coworkers, or something.  Doing these things should help me strike a balance between eating healthy and being the Swedish Chef.

non-magical brownies-June 27

non-magical brownies-June 27

Related Reading:

Becoming A Domesticated Bachelor: Step #4. Learn To Cook

My Bachelor Weight Loss Secrets: Sticking It To The Terrorists

Becoming A Domesticated Bachelor: Steps 8 & 9. Proper Socialization/Throw Parties

Becoming A Domesticated Bachelor: Step #3. Shape Up, Fatty

Stuffed French Toast By Sam The Cooking Guy

Oral History Fixation Cooking

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My Bachelor Weight Loss Secrets:
Stickin’ It To The Terrorists

weights russian

by Jonathan Beanpole Perry

I’m pleased to say that over the last 12 weeks or so I’ve lost 25 pounds!  (I sort of had to starve myself the last few days to drop those last 2 pounds, despite a huge nacho craving, but I did it!)  Otherwise, no magic tricks.  No feathers (though I was inexplicably sick a few days).  This weight loss has been from a mix of diet and exercise.  I’ve had less sugar and fewer desserts (I’m a big chocolate ice cream freak), smaller meal portions, and replaced a few dinners a week with shredded wheat bran cereals, which I’ve suffered through stoically (I’m very brave.  And regular.).

I’ve been taking lots of walks around the neighborhood and am now on the neighborhood watch list.  I also walk to the park or lake, and do some cycling at home as well as a 10 minute weight-lifting regimen every other day.  In fact, I’ve gained muscle weight, so really I might have lost like, say, 28 pounds of fat and gained 3 pounds of muscle (might be some brain mass loss, too). It’s nifty to need smaller pants and a new belt.  I could wear the old pants and do that whole lowrider pants hanging above the butt thing, but would probably trip and die.

Not my Hobbit feet

Not my Hobbit feet

I haven’t been down to this weight level since 2001.  That year I went to Germany with my uncle and cousins for 3 weeks and lost a few pounds.  A few weeks later, the Twin Towers were destroyed.  I’d like to blame the terrorists for that ensuing weight gain (coincidence?  I think not.).  But I’ve lost all that weight again.  I’m still not at my college weight, which I may not reach, but losing another 25-35 pounds would be super.  That should put me near the upper range of normal for my height.  That’ll show the terrorists.

Every so often I’ll lose a few pounds, just to tease myself.  “Oh, look!  I’m losing weight!  Yay!”  (Muppet hands waving).  Then, dejectedly, “Oh, no.  Shamu.”  I seem to lose the most weight when I go on vacation or travel to a foreign country for a few weeks, especially if there’s hardcore tourism involved or very few places with veggie food (Britain had lots of veggie food, so the weight loss must have been from that crazy UK itinerary tracking down all those cathedrals and doing laps around them).  I’ve lost the most weight when I’ve been particularly motivated.  Feeling better, being healthier and better looking (for the womenz) are huge motivators.  I’d like to go swimming again without feeling self-conscious, though I’d still be super pale.  I’d also like to become that Domesticated Bachelor dude I keep hearing about on this awesome blog.

whale cakeOff and on for a few years I took that Hydroxycut weight-loss supplement at the suggestion of my youngest brother Chris who’d had success losing weight with it.  I had no perceptible weight change using Hydroxycut.  Fortunately, I was undisciplined enough to use less than two bottles over 5 years.  Little did I know he was secretly trying to kill me.  You’ll get your comeuppance, Chris!  After it had been removed from the market for causing liver damage and death (goody), I notified my brother, who, only fearing for his life a little, suggested I hold on to the bottle, in case any remuneration was offered (he didn’t actually use that word).  So, it’s still there, lingering in my medicine cabinet. Waiting.

Anyway, I lost weight without a miracle drug, so yay for me!  I hope to keep losing it for a while and one day be normal again (weight-wise).  For now, I think I’ll go celebrate and bake a cake.  Maybe make some nachos.

Further Reading:

11 Steps: #3- Shape Up, Fatty

11 Steps: #2- The Right Wardrobe

11 Steps: #4- Learn To Cook

11 Steps: #5- Travel The World

Holiday Chocolate

11 Steps: #s 8 & 9: Proper Socialization/Throw Parties

Oral History Fixation Cooking

Read Some of the Best Posts:

Logan’s Run & Population Control

Google-Stalking The Ex

Sound Of Music Death Match!!! Liesl v Maria

Esperanto Rhymes With Tonto

Valentine’s Day Shame

World Of Warcraft…Dating?

Bachelors In History

Bachelor Profiles: Mad King Ludwig

Will Your Siblings Use Up The Good Names?

Kitten Of Evil

Celebrity Crushes: The Girl Next Door

Which Is Your Type? A Pseudo-Cosmo Quiz

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What is a Domesticated Bachelor?

by Jonathan B. Perry

bachelor-boy-book-steve-turner

Found globally, the Domesticated Bachelor (Singledudis Domesticatus) is a stylish gentleman-type who, giving an air of success and sophistication, mixes famously with the garden party klatch, while only appearing somewhat douchey.  The Domesticated Bachelor (DB) is of highly cultured stock (Hapsburg or Boullion), keeping fine digs and dating mostly non-mutant women without a lick of effort.  If he doesn’t have an incredible job as an astronaut-banker, he at least has tasty money, perhaps a bloated trust fund, and frequently travels the world in enormous white boatlike vehicles.  Most importantly the Domesticated Bachelor is not feral.  Like the trained housecat, he’s learned to not only use the box, but to keep it tidy.  Also, he’s single.

Sadly, the DB is becoming an endangered type, increasingly outnumbered by the likes of his wild cousin Slouchypantsus Singledudis whose questionable hygiene, health, and home arrangement besmirch the brotherhood of bachelordom.

Slouchypantsus Singledudis (not actually me)Slouchypantsus Singledudis (not actually me)

Slouchypantsus spends 18 hours daily at his computer because he may be in between sales jobs at the moment, often still living in his parents’ basement not having yet been effectively pressured to move and get a job.  He has chosen a  2nd life online, possibly as an oddly attractive female ogre.  This is also why he is a whiter shade of pale (because of living in the basement, not because he’s an attractive female ogre).  He has become one with junk foods of either a sweet or salty nature and is daily becoming the shape of a cream puff.

I am neither a DB nor an SS (an SS man?), instead languishing in a deeply useless, though common, middle full of treacherous reptilian creatures with sharp teeth.  Most bachelors wish to one day attain that rare DB eminence or, daring to dream, the hallowed coupled status (as seen on tv circa 1961).

The secret fake word is Slouchypantsus.

11 Steps To Becoming a Domesticated Bachelor

Further Reading:

Logan’s Run and Population Control

Google-Stalking the Ex

Celebrity Crushes:  The Girl Next Door

SOUND OF MUSIC Death Match!!!  Liesl v Maria

Bachelors in History

How NOT to Decorate the Bachelor Pad

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