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28 Fake Questions: Vetting The ‘Love’ Candidates

 

interview questionnaire surveyDo you have a ‘love checklist’?  Are you firm in what you’re looking for in a significant other?  Does it require your girl to be pretty, musical, smart, a fly tap dancer, speak Pig Latin, and cook well in nothing but an apron?  Have you ever looked at your list & realized you might be a touch delusional?  I’m still in denial about my totally non-existent checklist, but from time to time I’m forced to face reality.

In every election season, there’s a tough vetting process for the candidates.  Sometimes it’s accidental vetting, but occasionally the candidates are forthcoming with their quirks.  We want someone who fits us.  I know many of you guys are dragging your feet on dating or committing because, well, you’re just unsure whether that girl you like has what’s needed to complement your own quirks.  In other words, you’re not sure how much like your mom she really is.  This fixes that.  Just hand her this questionnaire and sit back while she fills in the magic.  You’ll know soon enough whether your girl is the perfect cross between Giada, Megan Fox, Natalie Wood, and your mom.  Also, don’t be surprised if she high-tails it out of there, slaps you, or turns the tables and hands you a questionnaire of her own.

In my generous effort to help my fellow helpless men who inexplicably find themselves in situations where they’re receiving ‘love’ applications and/or resumes for a certain position, I’ve made this excellent questionnaire.  Start vetting your ‘love candidates’.  You are welcome. Read the rest of this entry »

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Cook A Romantic Dinner As Trickery

lady and the tramp romantic dinner(While other guys were out on romantic Valentine’s Day dates with their girls, I was home pondering the nature of life and how much chocolate ice cream I should eat in one sitting. I’m sure I did something manly.  I also worked on this.)

You’ve cooked a very special dinner for your girl and are seated at a candlelit table on a neighbor’s roof (non-sloped). This is approximately how you want your romantic dinner conversation to go (assume breathiness):

You: My Dear, can I give you any more of anything?
Her: My Darling, I’m quite full, it’s all so delicious, but I think I have a little room left for some of your yummy manicotti.
You: Of course, kitten. Here you are. Be sure to save room for dessert. It’s cherry cheesecake.
Her: Mmm, I bet it is, tiger. And you better save some room yourself, my love. () Ooh, watch out for that pigeon.
You: Actually, monkey, that’s a turtledove I borrowed from the aviary. I thought the cooing was soothing. Just look at that cute little leash.
Her: Um, yes, Sniffles. It’s lovely, dearest, but the local pigeons are trying to…Oh, no! Stop that!!
You: () Insatiable.

Disgusting stuff like that. My grandma is blushing. Read the rest of this entry »

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7 Ways Buying a Car is Like Dating

 

ford escape suv xlt 2005 burgundy

Glamour Shot of My Latest Debt Acquisition

I was in a car accident a few weeks ago (sorry, I forgot to take photos) and it pretty much interrupted my post-Hawaiian trip afterglow.  My 10 year-old ‘old-man car‘ was smashed up, but since the other driver was cited for an illegal lane change and at fault, I received a settlement and decided to buy a car (Darrin won’t be able to abuse me anymore about having an old-man car).  No one was injured.

I ended up buying a used Ford Escape SUV.  It’s burgundy with a moonroof.  I love it!  (Thanks Bigler Motors!) Part way through the buying process it struck me that buying a car is a little like dating, which might sound a bit weird until you think about.

Years ago, one of my teachers, Mr. Bruce, consoled a recently dumped student by telling him that women were like taxis or buses (not sure which).  “As soon as one drops you off, another one will be right along to pick you up.”   Wise man.

Here are 7 ways buying a car is like dating: Read the rest of this entry »

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Dating Inquisition By My 8 Year-Old Niece

spanish inquisition motivational poster monty pythonI spent a fun 4th of July with my brother Chris and his family picnicking and watching fireworks.  In their backyard at lunch, my adorable 8 year-old niece sat next to me at the picnic table and asked matter-of-factly, “So, Uncle Jonathan, how old are you now?

I paused a long moment, then mumbled into my veggieburger, “Thirty-ish.”  Fully expecting her to be agog at my ancientness (and near falsehood), I was a bit surprised when she calmly continued her line of questioning.

Thirty-ish.”  She pondered my answer.  “And are you dating anyone?Read the rest of this entry »

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The Dating Sweet Spot

So, there’s this hilarious mythical theory stating that from ages 35 to 45 men are in the perfect position to date the widest age range of women: from post college lasses in their mid twenties to the lasses’ 55 year old mothers (but not actually the mothers and daughters simultaneously because that would be weird). It's known as the Dating Sweet Spot. One could surmise, based purely on age averages, that men in their 30s and 40s cut right in between those extreme age groups of women, thus giving credence to this theory of successfully dating all around the outer edges of time and space. Read the rest of this entry »

The Bachelor Goat Who Liked To Eat: A Cautionary Tale

(To be recited in an elegant English accent or Suessian manner near a big red barn, overlooking grazing goats, while standing on your head in the mud, until the farmer chases you off his property with a shotgun.) There once was a young goat named Gatsby the Bleater, who never stopped feeding, he was such a big eater. Read the rest of this entry »

Top Bachelor Links of the Week (Feb 6-12)

Phaistosdiskcode

Phaistos Disk-1700BC. Can you crack the code?

Last week was most notable for the Super Bowl and some heavy changes in Egypt that hopefully don’t make things worse than they were (cross your fingers on that power vacuum).  On a somewhat lighter note, I’ve gathered some nifty new weblinks from last week that might be of interest to the bachelor folk. 

1. The Best & Worst Cities For MenMen’s Health graded 100 major cities in the US using several criteria, including health & social factors.  I was pretty stoked because my city, Lincoln, Nebraska, came in 6th! (Lincoln’s done fantastically on several comparison lists over the last few years, which gives me some consolation since I don’t live in the Pacific Northwest.)  Take a look to see if your city made the list.

2. 10 Man Caves The real estate site Zillow.com made a list of 10 great man caves, including Larry the Cable Guy’s man cave.  Not so much bachelor pads as bachelor islands in the seas of marriage.  Or something. 

3. Top 10 Uncracked Codes If you thought women were hard to crack, check out these 10 codes that have stymied cryptologists for years.  One was even written by the composer Elgar in 1897.  Maybe you can crack them (probably not).  My brother sent me this link.

4. $20,000 To Hack Chrome For all you computer geniuses and/or nerds (like my college roommate Ted) who need legal & financially happy outlets for your hacking skills, check out Google’s offer of $20,000 to anyone who can hack their Chrome browser during an event in Vancouver next month.

5. 2045:  The Year Man Becomes Immortal (The Singularity)
This was a fascinating article from Time about Ray Kurzweil’s belief in ‘The Singularity’, where computers may soon far surpass human intelligence resulting in humans merging with machines in one of a couple ways.  A fascinating read, if potentially disconcerting.  Cyborg stuff.

6. 6 New Mythbusting Rules for Singles– Match.com surveyed 5,000 single men & women and found some surprising things that defied stereotypes, including that men fall in love more quickly and are more eager to have children.  Why must they tell our secrets?

7. Silver Bullion Backwardation Suggests Supply Stress-Running out of silver?  Sort of.  The demand is greater than the current supply which means prices should continue to run up for some time.  The article explains backwardation and what that means for the price of silver.  I started watching silver prices last summer when they were at the $17.50 an ounce level.  Today silver is just over $30/oz and this particular article expects it to reach as much as $130 in the not too distant future.  The instability of our fiat currencies certainly helps silver and gold, but gold is a bit high for the average investor (currently over $1360 an ounce).  Silver is outpacing gold with help from it’s many industrial uses, including it’s use as a conductor in solar power cells.  The article doesn’t quite suggest you run to your local coin dealer and stock up, hoarding silver in a hole in your backyard for retirement and/or nuclear fallout, but it didn’t really need to.  I think there was a link for that.

The secret word is cryptology

Listomania!

17 Types of Bachelor Pads

My Bucket List: 100 Things To Do Before I Die

11 Steps To Becoming A Domesticated Bachelor

My 11 Favorite Christmas Albums

30 Favorite Songs of 2009 (1-15)

My 25 Humanoid Things

9 Foods I Might as Well Move To the Bomb Shelter

Timely Link

Valentine’s Day Shame

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Why (and What) Nice Guys Win

{The estrogen infusion continues with the latest in our series, Inside the Female Mind and a rebuttal to Nice Guys Finish Last.}

(Our guest blogger is Lydia Dukaric.  Lydia writes the travel blog Travelchick.)

During the past ten years, I dated some guys who fit right into the category we term “bad boys”.  They kept me guessing about how they felt, I was never quite sure I could trust them, and it always seemed that I was asking for more than they were willing to give.  I was continually either wildly ecstatic or psychotically depressed.  There was no in-between.  I constantly felt that I was trying to live up to some unknown standard in order to keep the relationship together, while simultaneously attempting to frantically shove the guys into a certain mold that would make them perfect for me.  I focused on a few seamless qualities they possessed while trying not to take notice of any number of serious flaws.  Exciting? Stressful?  Addicting?  Yes on all counts!  But was that really what I wanted?

Apparently not, because two months ago I married a nice guy.

Ooooh, there’s that dreaded phrase: Nice Guy…  It’s gotten such a bad rap as the two ominous words women use when referring to a man with whom they’d rather share a genetic code than a bed.  Even I cringe a little when I hear it.  In movies, when a woman has just met a rather bland man, she always tells her friends he’s a “nice guy” and then immediately focuses her attention on the most thoughtless, emotionally unavailable, and arrogant man around.  He’s always also very attractive.  This is unfortunate.  I believe that nice guys have been deceptively portrayed as spineless, boring, and even needy.  And what woman in her right mind wants a guy like that!  I sure don’t!

Women Want Confidence

What we REALLY want is a man who is confident, surprising, a little bit irreverent, and trusts himself enough to allow us to trust him too.  When a guy is into us, we want to feel a little (or a lot) like we’ve won some sort of coveted prize.  That is, unfortunately, the vibe that nice guys often fail to exude and what gives them such a horrible reputation.  Confidence is supremely attractive.  Bad boys aren’t necessarily any more confident than nice guys (Though some of them have actually been able to convince themselves that they are your every dream come true, which is even worse.  Confidence and arrogance are not the same thing.), but they’re always much better at pretending, which is why woman tend to get sucked in, and even think these guys are more attractive.  Pretending isn’t enough, though, because it requires that he keep her at arm’s length lest she discover his ruse and subsequently disavow his power over her.  A nice guy who is sincerely confident, however, will ultimately win.  You can’t pretend forever.  We could go into what real confidence looks like and how to have it, but that’s another topic altogether.

Women Want Trust

One of my favorite things about my husband is that I can trust him- not just to be faithful to me (though that’s a big part of it), but to take up the slack when I’m not around.   I know that I don’t always have to be in control of everything.  I know he has a sense of personal responsibility.  I know that he is interested in the well-being of, not just himself, but of us as a partnership.  I know that he’s there for me when I need him most.  It makes a big difference.  This is my favorite nice-guy quality because a man who has genuine confidence can stop thinking about himself long enough to think about someone else.  I know that when he does things he’s not merely thinking about what he can do to get ahead (i.e. What will this get me later on tonight), but what will benefit the two of us as a couple.  A bad boy, by definition, needs to make the woman feel that he is all that matters when the chips are down, and he isn’t really focused on finding someone he can trust either.  When the chips really are down, the woman who relies on the bad boy is on her own.

Women Want Authenticity

While it’s true that a “project” can be exciting and make a woman feel worthwhile and needed, what happens when she actually succeeds in breaking her man down into the little bits and pieces of what she wants him to be?  Isn’t the allure of the fixer-upper immediately broken?  I heartily agree that women want to feel needed and useful.  We are natural nurturers, so the idea of helping some poor hapless soul to find their way is understandably gratifying.  I’d like to propose, however, that bad boys incite the need for this behavior, while a good guy provides what we crave in a more constructive manner.  Bad boys by nature make women feel that they don’t really need them- and it’s the insecurity these guys create in her that makes her feel that she must tackle him as a project.  The nice guy, however, can validate the woman for her role in the relationship, admit that he needs her in ways that don’t involve changing him, and give her that opportunity to nurture without becoming neurotic.  It’s a wonderful feeling to find someone who’s already the man we want him to be and still know that he needs us.

Nice Guys Win… What Exactly?

We really need to talk now about this whole idea of winning.  What is “winning” exactly?  Guys, if your goal is to bed as many women as possible, then being a bad boy is where it’s at and you can disregard everything I’ve said up until now.  A woman who isn’t looking for anything more than a little fun (and even some who are) will flock to you like bees to honey.  The bad boy demeanor has instant gratification and the thrill of the moment written all over it.  But that’s all you’ll get:  the moment.  If you want the long-lasting love and support of a charming and faithful woman, however, you might want to think again.  If you want to know that she wants you for you and not because you’re playing a clever game with her, it’s time to change your ways.  When I married my husband (and I’m pretty sure that means he didn’t finish last!), I knew he was a nice guy- one who is both confident and humble, tender and cheeky, playful and trustworthy- and I married him because of this.  When they think about the father of their children, women don’t want the wayward bad boy and they don’t want the ingratiating “nice guy”.  They want a man who is genuine, confident, and trustworthy.  Guys like that really win.

Lydia Dukaric is a newlywed with a graduate degree in molecular biology who does behavioral therapy with autistic children and has a secret passion for writing.  Her favorite topics are travel, relationships, health, and personality type. She lives with her husband, cat, and two parakeets in a small suburb of Detroit, Michigan. She maintains a travel blog at http://1travelchick.wordpress.com

Related Reads:

Nice Guys Finished Last:  Why Women Are Attracted To Bad Boys

Top 5 Reasons Women Choose to Stay Single

The Jaded Sage and What Women Want

Brigitte Dale and Nice Guys

Bachelor Secrets Part 1: Why Are They Single?

Bachelor Secrets Part 2: Dating Habits

Intimidated By Smart Girls?

My Bucket List: 100 Things To Do Before I Die

Changing Your Relationship Status on a Social-Networking Site

Couples Vs Singles: Socialization

Dating Advice From The Family

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Nice Guys Finish Last: Why Women are Attracted to Bad Boys

{This is the 2nd in our series, Inside the Female Mind}

(Our guest blogger is Louise Baker.  Louise is a freelance writer whose articles have been featured by MSN, Publisher’s Weekly, About.com and the Consumerist.  She writes for ZenCollegeLife.com.)

Unfortunately for the sweet do-right guys out there, it seems that the undeserving bad boy typically gets the girl. Bad boys are rude, inattentive, unfaithful, cheap and an all-around burden for women, but women generally eat up their bad boy demeanor. Personally, I’ve been there and I’ve done that. So, I’m here to tell men just why the bad boy essence is so alluring to the ladies.

It’s all About the Chase

While I may not be riding on the back of a Harley Davidson or posting bail for my bad boy, the union is still rather exciting. He makes me chase him, work for his affection and wonder whether or not my efforts are making him swoon. Approximately 80% of the time the adventure is torturous to my emotions. But, the remaining 20% is filled with an exciting chase which makes all of my senses, emotions and beliefs defy everything I’ve ever known. To most girls, this rush is worth the trouble.

He’s Arm Candy

Let’s face it – looks do matter, and it just so happens that most bad boys tend to make rather scrumptious arm candy. The tailored-to-the-tee style, the nonchalant attitude and the natural good looks are enough to make most girls do a double take. And, if I’m strolling down the street, mall, restaurant or casino with a hunk of a man, it boosts my own ego. It may sound like trying to get a date with the Quarterback in High School, but girls are still competitive and thrive on social standings. My arm candy boosts my social status all the more.

It’s a Project

As a woman, I’m a natural born nurturer. I want to feel needed. I want my input to make a difference in someone’s behavior. And I want to be able to take a sick animal (in this case, my bad boyfriend), and turn him into a thriving, picture-perfect being (in this case, the perfect man). If the man is already close to perfection, as the sweet do-gooders already are, there’s nothing for me to do. There’s less gratification in being with a man that already meets my standards than there is when I have the possibility to turn my bad boy into my perfect Stepford husband.

I can try to change his attitudes, his habits, his living arrangements, his style and his mannerisms. Yes, it sounds neurotic. But, I’m a fixer. And, this is a project which has my name written all over it. Of course, most women do outgrow this stage. But this transition typically only occurs after wasting valuable time on the wrong bad-natured boys.

In hindsight, dating a bad boy is a way for women to feel young, cool, needed and interested. Bad boys cause so much havoc that it’s nearly impossible to get bored, and they let women relive our crazy youth in heart-stopping style.

(Stay tuned for a rebuttal in defense of nice guys!)

Louise Baker writes about online degrees for Zen College Life. She has also recently written about the best schools online.

Related Posts:

Top 5 Reasons Women Choose to Stay Single (1st in the series: Inside the Female Mind)

The Jaded Sage and What Women Want

Brigitte Dale and Nice Guys

Bachelor Secrets Part 1: Why Are They Single?

Bachelor Secrets Part 2: Dating Habits

Intimidated By Smart Girls?

My Bucket List: 100 Things To Do Before I Die

Changing Your Relationship Status on a Social-Networking Site

Couples Vs Singles: Socialization

Dating Advice From The Family

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Top 5 Reasons Women Choose to Stay Single

{This is the 1st in our series, Inside the Female Mind}

(Our guest blogger is Louise Baker.  Louise is a freelance writer whose articles have been featured by MSN, Publisher’s Weekly, About.com and the Consumerist.  She writes for ZenCollegeLife.com.)

Reason Number Five: Religious

Incompatible religious beliefs are a big deal breaker even for new romances, and usually cause a stall in the relationship even where the couple is able to enjoy each other’s company in social settings. While tolerance is the watch word nowadays, many women feel their personal religious sentiments (or lack thereof) are ties to emotional wellbeing, and find that a mutual agreement in this area is a must for an intimate relationship. Not having that connection keeps a girl going solo.

Reason Number Four: Financial

In these tumultuous financial times, it’s tough enough to pay your own bills, and some women aren’t willing to require financial statements before making an emotional commitment. Being wary about the man in the equation and his math aptitude, rather than getting some ugly financial news (i.e. poor credit score, no savings, past due car payments) after the relationship has grown, Frugal Felicia turns down the applicant and stays single rather than spending years in a relationship paying down someone else’s past due child support.

Reason Number Three: Personal Goals

It’s much easier to keep your eye on the goal when it’s not being distracted by a glint in someone else’s. The need to pursue a college degree or the “perfect” career choice can be too demanding to find time to spend with someone else. Many women know that goals can be fleeting and feel that the prize belongs to the youngest prettiest, contestant. With those golden years passing by quickly, staying single to meet personal goals can be the quick ticket to get where you want to go without extra baggage.

Reason Number Two: High Expectations

Sometimes it’s expectations that have women choosing to stay single. After sitting down and making “must have”, “would like to have” and “can do without” lists, a lot of women find that no one guy can fit their high expectations. But who can blame them? After waiting for Prince Charming all their life and knowing they deserve only the best, staying single can be so much more attractive than settling for second best.

Top Reason Number One: Self Satisfaction

Being content with her own life (being gratified with her work, her art, her family and friends) is the number one reason why women choose to stay single. Not having to deal with someone else’s annoying habits, or being criticized for your own, can really bring peace to any mind. Not answering to anyone else, and being so comfortable in the single woman’s place in this world, is a really fabulous way to keep putting yourself first and foremost at all times.

Louise Baker is a freelance blogger and journalist who writes for Zen College Life, the directory of higher education, distance learning, and online schools. She most recently wrote about the top online accredited colleges.

Related Reading:

Nice Guys Finish Last:  Why Women Women are Attracted to Bad Boys (2nd in the series)

Bachelor Secrets Part 1: Why Are They Single?

Bachelor Secrets Part 2:  Dating Habits

Intimidated By Smart Girls?

My Bucket List:  100 Things To Do Before I Die

Changing Your Relationship Status on a Social-Networking Site

Couples Vs Singles:  Socialization

Dating Advice From The Family

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To My Married Female Friends

Dear Awesome Married Female Friends,

I want to thank you so so much for the generously sweet pity you’ve shown me in offering to set me up with your single female friends.  Look at you being all matchmakey.  I know you’ve given it considerable thought in deciding I was possibly among the least heinous of the single guys you know who might be suitable for dating your friends and I could not be more appreciative.

Surprisingly, your single female friends (SFF) seem completely non-mutant, even pretty, happy, interesting, and well-adjusted for people forced to live in places like Canada, Hawaii and the east coast.  And Michigan.  I’m only mildly suspicious.  Thank you for letting me see pictures.  This is vitally important.  Feel free to email pics to me anytime.  I commend you on your fine suggestions and am aware that it reflects on how you view me (as possibly one of the least heinous single dudes you know).

While it may seem I have looked the gift horse in the mouth, seen the uvula, and chosen a vow of continual solitude, this isn’t quite the case and I still stand by my concern at the inherent problems in a long-distance relationship (really, this is only slightly a ruse).  In fact, at this very moment I am yet considering these most important and intriguing opportunities (that all seem to have weirdly come around the same time.  I don’t suspect my mom yet.) and am weighing them against my cowardice.  I fully appreciate your willingness to allow time for my deepest contemplation and over-analysis (analysis paralysis).

As I arrange my fantasy baseball roster for the day, I’ll reflect on what wonderful friends I have, what’s wrong with their friends, whether I should play Kosuke Fukudome in right field, why I shouldn’t mispronounce his name that way, and how big a dork I really am.

Thank you again so much,
Jonathan
(By the way, your hair looked really nice today.)

The secret fake word is matchmakey

Related Reads:

Google-Stalking the Ex

Couples v Singles:  Socialization

Bachelor Secrets 2-Dating Habits

Bachelor Secrets 1- Why Are They Single?

World Of Warcraft…Dating?

Dating Advice From The Family

Family Advice: A Reversal (Sort Of)

Dating Satisfaction Survey

Changing Your Relationship Status On A Social-Networking Site

More, Even:

Bachelors in History

Which is Your Type? A Pseudo-Cosmo Quiz

Celebrity Crushes: The Girl Next Door

Celebrity Crushes: Is Elegance Elitist?

Valentine’s Day Shame

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    The Minefield of Caddishness

    Black Adder

    One of my friends on Facebook recently posted some swell clips of a BBC show that I hadn’t seen before.  I hadn’t seen it yet because a) I don’t live in Britain and b) BBC America is passing off Star Trek the Next Generation as a British show (probably because Patrick Stewart is a limey) instead of showing a broader variety of what makes the BBC unique:  British tv culture.  Maybe it’s cheaper (maybe it’s a way to draw in potential Doctor Who fans).  I didn’t mean to go off half-cocked on BBC America (also, I’ll save my government-owned-tv talk for another venue).  They really do have lots of great stuff on the BBC:  Doctor Who, That Mitchell and Webb Look, Little Britain, Peep Show (not quite what it sounds like) & the occasional teen discomfort bit, but I’d like to see more of their recent shows as well as their classic-old stuff, heavy on the humor side:   Fawlty Towers, Monty Python, My Family, Black Adder, The Thin Blue Line, Father Ted, All Creatures Great & Small.  Junk like that.  I hear Red Dwarf is cool (in an Anglophile Sci-Fi nerd sorta way).  Frankly, I like being surprised by the awesomeness of classic BBC shows from the last 50 years, so I’m open to them mixing it up (instead of showing 4 hours of Top Gear in a row.  It’s a fine program, but 4 hours at a go?).  It’s television I’ve never seen because I’ve lived my entire life on the other side of the pond.  There’s something fun about catching up on the best of another culture and trying to discern what the heck they’re talking about over there, figuring out contexts and values.  Then there’s that whole adopted nostalgia thing I’m dealing with.  It’s slightly demented.

    Anyway, back to the video:  This clip is of Harry Enfield doing a fake old-timey PSA thingy called “Women Keep Your Virtue“.  It warns women of the minefield of caddishness and of certain men who secretly desire to take diabolical liberties with their knees.  So, if you’re going to be caddish, know that women have been warned.  Some of them.

    Related Reading:

    Intimidated By Smart Girls?

    Celebrity Crushes: Is Elegance Elitist?

    Celebrity Crushes: The Girl Next Door

    Sound of Music DEATH MATCH!!! Liesl v Maria

    Which is Your Type?  A Pseudo-Cosmo Quiz

    11 Steps To Becoming A Domesticated Bachelor

    Famous Historical Bachelors- A List

    The secret word is knees.

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    30 Million Chinese Bachelors and The Matrix Solution

    by Jonathan B Perry

     

    Future Army of Chinese Bachelors (great band name)

    I have good news and I have bad newsFirst, the bad news:  Guys of 2020, there will be a surplus of competitive males as there never has been before at any time in history.  30 million extra men to be approximate.  In just 10 years there’s going to be such a glut of guys of marriageable age it’ll seem like one endless frat party where there are maybe 2 women in the back.  Granted, these extra men are in China where the population is about 1.5 billion (and where 30 million is relatively small, though not really), but still they’re not all going to stay in China and there will likely be some domino effect flopping around the globe, so you’ll need to work extra hard to trick women into hanging out excessively.  Drat.

    Now the good news:  Ladies of 2020, there will be a surplus of competitive males of marriageable age, so the dude options will be greater and more desperate than ever before.  The scarcity of women makes each of you even more valuable (think higher pedestals) and you can be choosier and make guys grovel more.  Many of you look forward to this.  If you hold out just a little longer, say 10 years, some of you current bachelorettes might have better luck snagging younger, awesomer studs.

    Of course this imbalance all stems from China’s one child per household policy that often saw families choosing to have boys as their only child and to abort the female fetuses as a practice of population control which retained males who would theoretically provide better for their families.  It’s been called gendercide.  Now aware of its severe gender imbalance, the Chinese government is making a strong push to the public to look more favorably on girls, hoping to stem the tide of aborted females.  So far it’s only been slightly effective (there are banners saying stuff like “Girls are swell”), and it will still take generations for things to even out.

    This sort of situation hasn’t really been an issue in previous civilizations.  You could draw some similarities with the imbalances after the world wars, when there was a surplus of women when many Johnnys didn’t come marching home again.  It’s believed the feminist movement even gained traction from the higher number of single professional women of the 1920s and 1930s.  I just thought I’d point that out.

    Keanu Reeves waking up in Jello

    Concerns have been voiced that this excess of single men, unable to mate, may create many more societal issues in the years to come:  wars to cull the surplus males, a rise in crime (particularly rape), an increase in prostitution, a rise in homosexuality, and many more sloppy apartments.

    Since it will take many decades to correct the situation in China, what other solutions might there be to help the problem?  I’ve come up with a few ideas and only one of them uses bachelors as human batteries a la The Matrix.

    Chinese Bachelor Solution #1:  Promote religions, like Buddhism or Catholicism, where bachelors become monks or priests.  You might have to lure them in with church bingo at first, but do whatever works.  This would require a moderate change in the government’s stance toward religion (I’m not pushing either religion.  Baptist or Methodist monasteries could be developed, just to mess with things.).

    Solution # 2:  Chinese mail order grooms-  When one thinks of arranging spouses to order, mail order brides from places like Eastern Europe spring to mind.  Now with many young Chinese men potentially unable to find mates nearby, they’ll need to cast wider worldwide nets and this may include making themselves available for marriage by mail order.  Bigger boxes.  More air holes.

    Solution # 3:  Human batteries a la The Matrix– In the movie The Matrix people lived in watery pods and existed in a dream state, while powering the evil machines.  Never mind that you could put caviar on iv and call it a spa weekend.  Forget that Beijing and Shanghai could be powered cleanly and cheaply from now until Chinese New Year.  No, I suppose it’s not an option (or even a good human rights thing), unless you just do Gilligan-style power-maker  with the coconut bicycle making electricity (come to think of it, gyms around the world could do this bit and harness the power to run their tv’s).  I’m sure there’d be some way to do it, though it doesn’t really fix the mating thing, does it?  Hmm.  Forget this one.

    Solution # 4:  Men dating outside their age groups- I realize guys throughout history have been dating outside their own age group, but it’s usually been scary old rich guys dating younger helpless and/or money-grubbing women (the dudes have more cows for dowries).  The Future Army of  Chinese Bachelors (cool band name!) may need to consider the limited options and be more open to dating older women, widows and retirees even.  And if China can find way to pump out extra females (without aborting males), say through in vitro fertilization or some genetic magic, then the extra dudes could date younger without skewing things too much for the younger guys.

    Solution # 5:  Cryonics?  I’m just putting it out there.

    Solution # 6:  Find female alien life.  I think there have been B-movies about this.

    Solution # 7:  Import women- Let’s face it, China may do well to find incentives to import women to China.  It might be useful to pay women to move to China and marry Chinese men.  I can see it now, in 10 years time there will be specials on 20/20 and Oprah about how China has an army of bachelors just waiting for all available women to come for marriage and money.  Perhaps special women-only schools could be set up to draw female students from around the world.  Maybe it could be something like marketing the acrobat schools to Bollywood dancers (that’s the group I’d aim for).

    So, China has a big problem, but there are often viable solutions to difficult problems.  Hopefully something can be done to improve the potential for millions of Chinese, while avoiding a catastrophic future involving millions of filthy bachelor pads.

    When I re-edit, I’ll find a way to sneak in Bowie’s song “China Doll”.

    The secret word is imbalance.

    Vaguely Related Reading:

    Logan’s Run and Population Control

    Not Really Related, but Nifty Reads:

    My Bucket List:  100 Things To Do Before I Die

    Esperanto Rhymes With Tonto

    Celebrity Crushes: The Girl Next Door

    Celebrity Crushes: Is Elegance Elitist?

    Sound Of Music DEATHMATCH!!! Liesl v Maria

    Google-Stalking The Ex

    Bachelors In History

    World Of Warcraft…Dating?

    Getting Colder:

    Kitten Of Evil

    Which Is Your Type? A Pseudo-Cosmo Quiz

    Ode To Autumn

    The Prophecy Of The Tornado And the Trailer

    How NOT To Decorate The Bachelor Pad

    Bachelor Step #1: THE BACHELOR PAD

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    Flight Of The Conchords-“Carol Brown”

    My English friend Julia, who’s trapped in Australia, recently had this song stuck in her head.  It’s been plaguing me for weeks, too.  “Carol Brown just took a bus out of town, but I’m hoping that you’ll stick around.”  Flight of the Conchords‘ song “Carol Brown” is a modern “50 Ways To Leave Your Lover“, except it’s happening to you & it’s a little sad, though it’s also funny and a bit hopeful.  Good for therapy.  Jemaine bemoans the different ways women have left him and those exes form a choir to explore his issues.

    It’s one of my favorite songs of 2009 (I’m totally making a list of favorite songs from ’09, so stay tuned).  Unfortunately, Flight of the Conchords (from New Zealand) won’t do any more seasons of their music comedy show on HBO.  So sad.  Both seasons are available on DVD, but you can’t borrow mine.  Hopefully they do some awesome movies, possibly based around “Prince of Parties” (please please).  (Oh, and I’ve had 70,000 page hits to this blog since I started last February!  Yippy. Thanks for reading.)  This video goes out to my friend Julia, my bro Jay (who’s also a big fan of FotC), and the choir of exes in my head that won’t shut up and who I still mindlessly obsess about sometimes.  Dangit.

    Possibly Unrelated Reading:

    Sound of Music Death Match!!! Liesl v Maria

    My 11 Favorite Christmas Albums

    Google-Stalking the Ex

    Depeche Mode and High School Girls

    See More Links At Right->

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