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Bachelor Profiles

The Remaining Bachelor Princes

My high school friend Heidi has had her heart set on Prince William for some time now, but with the future king of England finally marrying his future queen, Heidi can either go into mourning (poor girl) or set her sights on another prince. Yes, there’s Prince Harry, of course, but he’s not the only living bachelor prince wandering the earth sans royal consort. There are several eligible bachelor princes yet to be tricked into matrimony with Victoria's Secret Supermodels (as Prince Wenzeslaus of Liechtenstein nearly was). These men have the luxury of money, titles, family, and awesomeness. Lucky goats. Read the rest of this entry »

Bachelor POLL: Favorite Fictional Bachelor

FictionalBachelorsJayGatsbyAustinPowersBarneyStinsonJamesBond SherlockHolmes How I Met Your Mother Great GatsbyPoll time:  Who’s your favorite fictional bachelor? I wanted to add Indiana Jones, but apparently he was married once or twice on his down time, so no go.  I’m shunning Willy Wonka out of pure spite (he’s knows what he did).  Anyway, please vote for your favorite fictional bachelor.  You can leave comments below to say why you voted the way you did.  If you think of someone not on the list, let us know & we might add him to the poll.  Or not.  Popeye?  Eh.  Check back for the results.  Vote often.  Eat tacos.

the secret word is favoritism

Lists & Profiles of Famous & Historical Bachelors:

Famous Living Bachelors

Famous Historical Bachelors- A List

Bachelor Profiles: Vincent Van Gogh

BACHELORS IN HISTORY

Bachelor Profiles: Sherlock Holmes

BACHELORS IN CATHOLICISM

Bachelor Profiles: Mad King Ludwig

Bachelor Profiles: The Bachelor President

List Posts:

My Bucket List-100 Things To Do Before I Die

My 25 Humanoid Things

My 11 Favorite Christmas Albums

Resolutions for 2010

4 Ways to Screw Up a Perfectly Good Thing

11 Steps to Becoming a DB

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FAMOUS LIVING BACHELORS

A few years ago, celeb news show The Insider listed the top 10 bachelors in Hollywood.  This is how it went:

Owen Wilson

1. George Clooney
2. Leonardo DiCaprio
3. Matthew McConaughey
4. Ryan Seacrest
5. Vince Vaughn
6. Jamie Foxx
7. Owen Wilson
8. Orlando Bloom
9. Bruce Willis
10. John Mayer

Recently, I made a list of FAMOUS HISTORICAL BACHELORS, but steered away from living bachelors.  Listing well-known contemporary bachelors is an iffy thing because a) your famous bachelor dude might only be famous to a pile of rocks and b) as long as these guys live, the possibility exists that they’ll get sucked into the institution of marriage, thus nullifying certain bachelorhoods.  For instance, Vince Vaughn, who was listed in the above list, was married in January, so he no longer qualifies.  Of course, any list can be rewritten, modified and tossed.  Having said that, here is, after several minutes of carelessly intense online research, my list of famous contemporary bachelors (in no particular order).  As always, if you find some other good examples, let me know by leaving insane rambling comments & I’ll either edit them in or save them for another list.

  • Bill Maher (comedian/caustic)
  • Ed Koch (former mayor of NYC)
  • David Souter (former Supreme Court Justice)
  • Anthony Kiedis (singer for Red Hot Chili Peppers)
  • Anthony Michael Hall (actor)
  • Jeremy Piven (actor)
  • Karl Lagerfeld (fashion designer)
  • Lindsey Graham (US Senator from SC)

    Adam Clayton of U2

  • Matt Dillon (actor)
  • Philip Seymour Hoffman (actor)
  • Rick Rubin (music producer)
  • Ricky Gervais (actor/comedian)
  • Ralph Nader (politician)
  • Ron Jeremy (porn actor)
  • Tyler Perry (writer/director/actor)
  • Adam Clayton (bassist for U2)
  • Al Pacino (actor)
  • Billy Idol (rocker)
  • Carl Lewis (Olympian)
  • Kevin Spacey (actor)
  • Morrissey (singer-songwriter)
  • Quentin Tarentino (director/actor)
  • Vin Diesel (actor)
  • Drew Carey (actor/comedian)-engaged
  • Hugh Grant (actor)
  • Leonardo DiCaprio (actor)
  • Matthew McConaughey (actor-has 2 kids with his girlfriend)
  • Gene Simmons (lead singer of KISS has 2 kids with longtime partner & former Playboy Playmate Shannon Tweed)
  • Ryan Seacrest (tv & radio host)
  • Jamie Foxx (actor/singer)
  • Owen Wilson (actor)
  • Orlando Bloom (actor)
  • John Mayer (singer-songwriter)
  • George Clooney (actor)

(These men are reportedly unmarried heterosexuals, though some may be in long term relationships and have children.  A few are believed to be homosexual, but have stayed mum on the issue.)

Related Posts:

Famous Historical Bachelors- A List

The Remaining Bachelor Princes

Bachelor Profiles: Vincent Van Gogh
BACHELORS IN HISTORY

Bachelor Profiles: Sherlock Holmes

BACHELORS IN CATHOLICISM

Bachelor Profiles: Mad King Ludwig

Bachelor Profiles: The Bachelor President

List Posts:

My Bucket List-100 Things To Do Before I Die

My 25 Humanoid Things

My 11 Favorite Christmas Albums

Resolutions for 2010

4 Ways to Screw Up a Perfectly Good Thing

11 Steps to Becoming a DB

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JAMES BOND: Bachelor Spy

by Jonathan Bond Perry

james bond casino royale daniel craig poster 007

Daniel Craig as Bond

Last night I totally ignored the Academy Awards and all the Oscar weirdness, instead watching Sean Connery in the James Bond film From Russia with Love.  Within the first 40 minutes at least 8 stunning women (I lost count) were featured in places like London, Russia, and Istanbul (not Constantinople), and a fancy spy briefcase complete with a handful of gadget-y weapons was shown to 007 for his approval.  There’s also some stimulating repartee with Miss Moneypenny.  In another scene while spying on a woman in a secret meeting, a colleague asked Bond “How does she look to you?”, to which he responds “From this angle things are shaping up nicely.  I’d like to see her in the flesh.”.  Oh, and after a belly-dancing scene, there’s a catfight between 2 hot gypsy women who don’t seem to be overdressed.  (There were also goats, but that’s a side thing.)

James Bond is awesome.  His job, nay his duty, as debonair spy for MI6 (British Intelligence), has him traveling the world, wearing sharp suits, driving magnificent autos, and entangling with exotic and dangerous beauties who seem to have left most of their clothing in the other bag.  Bond has engineers constantly creating cool new spy toys to help him dispatch the enemy, which he always does with panache.  Why am I using French words like panache and debonair when Bond is clearly English?  Maybe I want to be beaten up by the james-bond-logo golden eye bullet pierce brosnanbullies in my head.  I don’t know.  But I do know this: James Bond is perhaps the prime vanguard of all bachelors.  He epitomizes the Domesticated Bachelor.  He’s suave, stylish, sophisticated, and completely fictional.  Truly a standard bearer.

James Bond was created in 1952 by British journalist Ian Fleming while on holiday at his Jamaican estate, Goldeneye.  Yeah, Goldeneye.  Fleming wrote twelve novels and two short story collections about 007, who, it’s said, was actually modeled on Fleming, himself something of an overly-confident manwhore.  Beginning with the 1962 release of Dr. No, there have been 22 Bond films in the EON Production series, making it the longest running, most financially successful English-language film franchise in history (at least through the most recent film, Quantum of Solace).  After Fleming’s death in 1964, several other writers authored James Bond novels and screenplays and perhaps named their Sedona estates Moonraker and Thunderball, but maybe not.  James Bond has also been spoofed, most famously in the Austin Powers series by Mike Myers.

James Bond collection2 007 actors roger moore sean connery timothy dalton george lazenby daniel craig pierce brosnanBond’s date of birth often changed from story to story, frequently leaving him in his 40s, which apparently is an ideal age for spy-adventure coolness and gives me a small degree of comfort as I near that middling decade of life.  Over the years, 007 has been portrayed on the big screen by several actors, most notably by Sean Connery and Roger Moore.  These are usually considered the classic Bonds.  In fact, there was a situation in 1983 where 2 different Bond movies played in theaters simultaneously.  Roger Moore was in the EON production of Octopussy, when Sean Connery, the previous EON Bond, was brought back as Bond in the non-EON Never Say Never Again.  Eventually MGM purchased the name “James Bond”, so this problem could never be repeated.  007 has also been portrayed by Timothy Dalton, George Lazenby, David Niven (in an early spoof), Pierce Brosnan, and most recently Daniel Craig.

Bond music is easily recognizable the world over.  The Bond theme is a super instrumental used in every movie, then a different song usually opens each film and this song is sung by one of the current hot singers.  Some of the best include Paul McCartney and Wings doing “Live and Let Die“, Duran Duran in “A View to a Kill“, and “Nobody Does it Better” sung by Carly Simon for The Spy Who Loved MeShirley Bassey sang three Bond themes.

james-bond-goldfinger shirley eaton jill masterson

Don’t get how her panty bits turned gold, but it’s advanced science

James Bond has had many relationships with women, often quite meaningless relationships.  Of course he’s on the go a lot, sometimes the women are spies, and sometimes they die or turn gold and then die.  At one point, though, Bond marries, but on their wedding day his bride is killed by his archenemy (seems like the writer’s convenient way of keeping Bond single).

Yes, women love 007, at least the ones in his movies (some of my married friends aren’t so keen).  Between the exciting job, the snazzy clothes, the good looks, the sweet rides, and the strong self-esteem, he has little trouble with the fictional ladies.  He’s the sort of guy other guys hope to emulate, minus the murder.  And the excessive manwhoring.

The secret word is Moneypenny.

Related Reading:

Bachelor Profiles: Mad King Ludwig

Bachelor Profiles: Vincent Van Gogh

Bachelor Profiles: Sherlock Holmes

BACHELORS IN CATHOLICISM

Bachelors In History

Famous Historical Bachelors-A List

Becoming A Domesticated Bachelor:  The Right Wardrobe

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Year One of the DB

About a month ago, on Groundhog Day even (which is also my birthday & I did see my stupid shadow), the DB celebrated its 1 year anniversary of bloggage, by not posting a darn thing.  In 12 months I’ve had awesome readership with 72,000 page hits and have posted 95 Theses (I mean posts- this is #96)!  I’ve posted parts of my book The Domesticated Bachelor and have added several new parts, like bachelor profiles of such guys as Sherlock Holmes, Vincent Van Gogh, and Mad King Ludwig.

But I’m still not a Domesticated Bachelor.

I made a blueprint for becoming a DB called “11 Steps To Becoming A Domesticated Bachelor” in which I developed a checklist for how I, and other dudes, could be more awesome, drop the self-loathing, and suck less.  It hasn’t happened yet.  I’m not domesticated.  I’m still a half-wild ManBearPigGoatDude.  I could maybe check off half the items on that list (with some stretching), but still feel sub par (though I guess sub par is actually

ManBearPig from South Park

good if you’re talking golf, but I’m not).  There’s still work ahead for a failed perfectionist with ADD & sloth.  I’ll reach my DB goal yet or make a fool of myself trying (ooh, success on one count).

In the meantime, there will be more shameful bloggage and I’ll keep trying to improve myself in great acts of futility.  If you’re new to this site (or haven’t yet read), check out the posts listed in the right hand column.  Under the list of the most recent posts, there’s a list of the most popular posts, including some of my favorites like Logan’s Run and Population ControlSound of Music Death Match!!! Liesl v MariaCelebrity Crushes:  The Girl Next Door, and GOOGLE-Stalking the Ex.

Thanks for your awesome readership and feedback and I look forward to another great year of the Domesticated Bachelor!

Jonathan Perry

Happy February Birthday to my mom who had a big birthday this year on February 10!  Love you mom!

The secret word is futility.

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A Bachelor President For Presidents’ Day

Some presidents have acted like bachelors (Bill, we’re talking about you), but there’s only been one real bachelor US president.  This Presidents’ Day we remember that dead presidential single dude and his, um, frustrations (he probably bypassed Valentine’s Day, too).  Who is he?

(read The Bachelor President)

Valentine Reading: Valentine’s Day Shame

Related Reading:

Bachelor Profiles: Mad King Ludwig

Bachelor Profiles:  Vincent Van Gogh

Bachelor Profiles: Sherlock Holmes

BACHELORS IN CATHOLICISM

Bachelors In History

Famous Historical Bachelors-A List

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Warren Beatty’s Bedpost Notches

A few posts ago I made an enormous list of famous historical bachelors, though only briefly mentioned modern bachelors and said absolutely nothing about their sex lives, which is good because I don’t actually know about their sex lives.  One sharp reader commented that actor Warren Beatty had been one such notable modern bachelor until he married Annette Bening a few years back.  Nothing was mentioned about his sex life at the time, though there were plenty of knowing winks and nods.

Now, however, a new biography on Beatty points out what kind of manwhore he really was.  12,775 WOMEN! Britain’s Daily Mail does the math and logistics and it involves population sizes of small English towns and villages (stats are swell).  Of course, the virile basketball player Wilt Chamberlain puts Beatty to shame.  Wilt claims 20,000 women (at least he did in his 1991 bio and that’s been almost 20 years), while the virginal Gene Simmons of KISS only counts in at 4,600 (yay, restraint).  Simmons, however, is no bachelor.  He’s been in a relationship (an open one) with former Playboy Playmate Shannon Tweed for over 2 decades.  Why do I mention this?  I thought it was curious.

Related Reading:

Famous Historical Bachelors

Bachelor Profiles: Vincent Van Gogh

BACHELORS IN HISTORY

Bachelor Profiles: Sherlock Holmes

BACHELORS IN CATHOLICISM

Bachelor Profiles: Mad King Ludwig

Bachelor Profiles: The Bachelor President

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Famous Historical Bachelors-A List

by Jonathan Bippity Perry

Billy Idol

Billy Idol

I’ve been compiling a list of famous historical bachelors for a while for no reason. Maybe for future blog posts or so I can worm them annoyingly into awkward conversations.  Maybe I’ll write a cleverly titled book, BACHELOR Profiles In Courage (And Shame), and sneak copies into the Kennedy sections of bookstores and libraries.  I’ve already written about some of the dudes in previous blog posts, if only to help single guys realize how successful they can be with fewer distractions.  Death or some sort of finality is needed to gauge one’s determination at bachelorhood, so I haven’t really included too many modern celebs.  I might throw in living guys like Billy Idol just to mix things up (I’m pretty sure he’s still alive.  And single.).  If you find some other good examples, let me know by leaving insane rambling comments.

Guys I’ve Already Written About (linked for your pleasure)
Vincent Van Gogh
King Ludwig II (Mad King Ludwig)
President James Buchanan (The Bachelor President)
Sherlock Holmes (yeah, he’s fictional)
Jesus
Thomas Aquinas

beethoven

Beethoven

Musicians
Franz Schubert
Johannes Brahms
Maurice Ravel
Frederic Chopin
George Gershwin
Ludwig van Beethoven

Artists
Edgar Degas
Edvard Munch
Leonardo DaVinci
Toulouse-Lautrec

Philosophers & Theorists & Writers
Blaise Pascal
Isaac Newton
Adam Smith
Arthur Schopenhauer
Voltaire
W.H. Auden
Immanuel Kant
Henry David Thoreau

Other Random Single Dudes
Edward Heath (former British PM)
Meriwether Lewis
George Eastman

As I study up on some of these goats and discover a few were actually married (or perhaps really women), thus shortening the list, I may be required to add modern bachelors in hopes that they stay lonely (I mean single) for the rest of their lives.  In that event, here are some guys still living (except for a dead one).

Modern Bachelors

Andre the Giant Princess Bride

Andre the Giant (top) w/dudes from The Princess Bride

Billy Idol
Ralph Nader
Al Pacino
Drew Carey (apparently engaged)
Bill Maher
Hugh Grant
Leo DiCaprio
Ed Koch
Anthony Michael Hall
Andre the Giant (yeah, he’s dead)
George Clooney

The secret fake word is spaz.

Related Reading:

Famous LIVING Bachelors

The Remaining Bachelor Princes

Bachelor Profiles: Vincent Van Gogh

BACHELORS IN HISTORY

Bachelor Profiles: Sherlock Holmes

BACHELORS IN CATHOLICISM

Bachelor Profiles: Mad King Ludwig

Bachelor Profiles: The Bachelor President

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BACHELOR PROFILES: Vincent Van Gogh

by Jonathan Belgian Waffle Perry

vincent van goghSo, Vincent Van Gogh was a bachelor.  Had a few girlfriends.  Painted some pictures.  Dated his models.  Hung out with Monet and Gauguin.  Lived with a hooker.   Spent time as a missionary.  Went a little crazy.  Cut off his earlobe.  Painted some more.  Killed himself.  Was one of those tortured artist types.  Poor bachelor artist.

Born in 1853 in Holland, Vincent Van Gogh, the son of a pastor, was raised in a cultured and religious household.  Throughout his life he was a bit unstable and lacked self-confidence.  He held positions as a bookstore clerk, an art salesman, and a missionary in Belgium, a position from which he was forced to resign due to over-zealousness.  He stayed in Belgium to study art.  The most famous work of his early Dutch period is the  somber-toned painting The Potato Eaters.

Starry Night

Starry Night

As often happens with those weird free-wheeling artist types, not to mention pastors’ kids gone bad, Van Gogh became involved with one of his models, Clasina Maria Hoomik, known as ‘Sien‘, a former prostitute.  She and her 2 children moved in with Vincent for a time, until Vincent’s brother Theo pressured Vincent to break off the relationship. Not long after, Margot Begemann fell in love with Vincent, but after opposition from both families, she attempted suicide, leaving Vincent very distraught.  To further matters, Van Gogh was shortly accused of fathering the child of one of his models.  He was shunned by the town and moved.

The Potato Eaters

The Potato Eaters

In 1886 he moved back to Paris where he studied painting with Cormon and met Pisarro, Monet, and Gauguin (what a namedropper).  It was at this point he began painting in lighter tones, using a more Impressionistic style, as he wormed his way into becoming a pioneer of Expressionism.

In Arles, France he’d hoped to meet with his friends and start an art school, cuz art schools are cool.  Eventually Gauguin joined him there, but they didn’t get along and during an epileptic fit, Vincent came at Gauguin with a razor, but instead cut off part of his own earlobe.  Another account says Van Gogh left the scene and cut off his entire ear flush with his head.  A further account says Vincent cut off the earlobe, wrapped it in newspaper and gave it to a prostitute named Rachel, asking her to “keep this object carefully”.  (Happy Valentine’s Day.)  Vincent’s fits of madness worsened and he was sent to the asylum in Saint-Remy for treatment.  It was during his stay at the asylum that he painted The Starry Night, often considered his magnum opus.

In 1890, after showing improvement, he was released from the asylum and went to live in Auvers-sur-Oise.  Within a few weeks, he shot himself to death “for the good of all.”   He was 37.  During his short life he produced over 2000 paintings and drawings, but sold only one.

Chalk another one up for creative type goes nuts, fails at relationships, and kills himself.

7 Things You Should Know About Vincent Van Gogh

1.  He’s considered a pioneer of the Expressionist Movement

2.  His most famous painting, Starry Night, was painted while he was in an insane asylum

3.  He cut off at least part of his ear

4.  Served as a missionary for a time in a coal-mining district of Belgium

5.  He had a close relationship with his brother Theo, who supported Vincent financially for many years

6.  He walked into a field and shot himself in the chest.  He died 2 days later.

7.  He was a heavy absinthe drinker

Check out other Bachelor Profiles of woe and related reads:

BACHELORS IN HISTORY

Bachelor Profiles: Sherlock Holmes

BACHELORS IN CATHOLICISM

Bachelor Profiles: Mad King Ludwig

Bachelor Profiles: The Bachelor President

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Bachelors In History

fiddle-book-cropby Jonathan B. Perry

While being a bachelor often means spending lots of quality time alone with Ramen Noodles in your underwear in front of the TV (the noodles shouldn’t be in your underwear), in one sense the bachelor is never alone.  Where there’s one bachelor there are several bachelors, much like rodent infestations in your neighbor’s house.  I don’t mean to say that the bachelors have been cloned or that they flock together in communal groups reveling in their singleness (though monks and frat guys do), nor do I mean to point out the bachelorhood of non-straight men gathered on Fire Island for high festival (some aren‘t bachelors anyway), but rather that there are legions of bachelors today, as there have been throughout the ages and ever will be.

The ancient Egyptian royals fared well because those lucky bachelor pharaohs always had the option of marrying a sister or mother or both, and anyway it helped keep the bloodlines pure, sometimes even providing extra toes for better statues (European royalty had their cousins instead).  Outside of some lurid Greek wrestlemania action, you don’t hear or read much about bachelors in ancient history.  Take the Bible, for example.  Much of the biographical information lists such things as “Bob begat Fred.” and “Fred begat Steve, then Fred died.“.  Because of the specialness of lineage, the non-begatters are rarely seen.pharaoh-statue-good

For instance, do you know much about your Great-Great-Great Uncle Franklin?  Probably not.  He was a festive single dude and, once a generation or two had passed, was pretty well forgotten except for maybe as a dead-end branch on your family tree.  If you don’t maintain a family tree or if the people in your family are grunters, then it’s as if Uncle Franklin never existed.  So it was in days of old.  It’s very sad.  Franklin might have been a dancing machine who lit up a room, played a mean fiddle, and built his own log cabin, but unless Laura Ingalls Wilder wrote about him, he’s lost to history and memory.  Poor Uncle Franklin.

I’m not suggesting going out and getting a family so you can be written about, not just because lots of familied people have been forgotten too, but also because being remembered isn’t an excuse to mate.  Not a good one.  But take heart.  There have been plenty of bachelors through history that have wormed their way into history.  Probably the most famous bachelor, Jesus, seems to have really left his mark and won’t soon be forgotten, not that his fame could be easily matched.  It’s always useful to have dedicated biographers or to be God.  As a side note I will subversively mention the speculation that Jesus and Mary Magdalene might have been married, potentially weakening the case for worthy bachelordom, though this marriage theory is partly from the highly questionable writings of the Apocrypha, and the theory that Jesus had children by Mary is more of a fun conspiracy theorist’s tale, most famously promulgated by The DaVinci Code.

One other Biblical bachelor of note is Paul, as in ’St. Paul’, though there have also been theories that he was perhaps struggling with his sexuality and only stayed single to avoid the issue, but I’m sure that’s just Hollywood gossip and bizarrely tantalizing scriptural/watercooler interpretation (see 1 Corinthians 7).

The secret fake word is familied.

Related Reading:

Famous Historical Bachelors-A List

Famous LIVING Bachelors

Bachelor Profiles: Vincent Van Gogh

Bachelor Profiles: Sherlock Holmes

BACHELORS IN CATHOLICISM

Bachelor Profiles: Mad King Ludwig

Bachelor Profiles: The Bachelor President

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11 Steps To Becoming A Domesticated Bachelor: #7. Master Something

graduation-5-july-1951-3/Edinburghby Jonathan B. Perry

In the previous step we discussed how being a Jack of All Trades plays well in the quest to become a Domesticated Bachelor, and possibly getting you on Jeopardy!.  It can be kind of fun fiddling around in all those different areas, having a good time, broadening your horizons, though only slightly because you have ADD.  But there comes a time for buckling down.  Hitting the bricks.  Getting serious.  Beyond being a Jack of All Trades is becoming a Master of Something.  If you really spend the time and hone your skills for your own personal satisfaction, and because I told you to, you‘ll find yourself mastering wonderful things and even yourself.  I totally just sounded like a bad self-help book.  Hoarding knowledge is swell!

Master something by getting a Master’s Degree!  See how that worked?  Mastery through a Master’s.  The lower level degree is, of grecoromancourse, the Bachelor’s Degree.  Yeah, it’s only a little insulting.  There’s not even a Bachelorette’s Degree, let alone a Spinster’s Certification (there actually might be for people who use spindles).  Anyway, you don’t necessarily need a degree to be masterful and full of mastery.  Boy Scouts get patches all the time for honing their camping and Greco-Roman wrestling in the woods skills.  You might enjoy practicing your mastered specialty as a trade, like popsicle stick cuckoo clock making or faux llama sweater knitting.  Open a shop…in Estes Park.  Hire some good-looking shopkeepers.  Date them.  Be sued for harassment.  File bankruptcy.  Retrain.  Master something else.

If you’re already fairly good at woodworking, improve your skills by taking night classes in ironic bookcase building while dressed as Zorro (he makes the sign of disease).  Becoming an expert in a subject is

My brother Jay used to make God's Eyes

My brother Jay used to make God's Eyes

rewarding, apparently (not that I would know).  If you’ve hoarded a lot of knowledge about a subject, you can discuss it at length in an interesting way and people might want to hear what you have to say or ask your advice about it.  Or they might stone you, so you may need to know when to hold your tongue, in which case speech or dodgeball classes might come in handy.  Or if you make things, you might make special gifts for others, to buy them off:  chain mail or God’s Eyes.  Even build brick furniture or a ship’s deck for your patio.  Or a tree house.  Ooh, a tree house!

So, go master something.  Or not.

Read the first 6 steps:

#6. Be a Jack of All Trades

#5. Travel the World

#4. Learn to Cook

#3. Shape Up, Fatty

#2. The Right Wardrobe

#1. THE BACHELOR PAD

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BACHELOR PROFILES: SHERLOCK HOLMES

sherlock-posterby Jonathan B. Perry

Yeah, I know Sherlock Holmes is a character of fiction.  OR IS HE?  No, he is.  But Sir Arthur Conan Doyle wrote so many Sherlock Holmes mysteries that I sometimes feel I personally know Holmes or at least that he was a real historical figure.  He’s one of my favorite characters and is easily recognizable not only by his clever private detective work and astute observations, but also by his funny deerstalker hat, cape, and pipe.  I’ve even named my dormant rock band, The Musgrave Ritual, after one of his cases.  The Scottish Conan Doyle wrote 56 short stories and four novels about this London-based consulting detective, and bachelor, set in the late 1800s and early 1900s.  Most of the stories were narrated by Holmes sidekick Dr. Watson, who lived with Holmes for many years before Watson married, then again after Mrs. Watson died.  See, Watson was married, so don’t get any ideas.

A life-long bachelor (except in fan fiction), Sherlock Holmes does take an interest in Irene Adler, who he mentions in several cases, but only appears in “A Scandal In Bohemia“.  In that story she outwits Holmes and escapes (it was complicated).  For one of his other cases, Holmes is briefly engaged to be married, but only in order to uncover clues for his case, which is the excuse I’d use.  At one point Holmes says, “I am not a whole-souled admirer of womankind“.  Also, he found “the motives of women… so inscrutable… How can you build on such quicksand? Their most trivial actions may mean volumes… their most extraordinary conduct may depend upon a hairpin.”  Such wisdom.sherlock_holmes_record

Though he earned a good deal of money from his cases, especially from doing work for Europe‘s royal families, and could have retired young, he lived modestly in his London bachelor pad on Baker Street.  Watson described Holmes as being quite disorganized, leaving notes and experiments from old cases lying around the room, but able to find what he needed quickly from his organized chaos.  I seem to have inadvertently modeled myself after him in this organizational respect.

Sherlock Holmes does have a major vice: drugs.  Frequently using cocaine, and sometimes morphine, especially when his cases were understimulating, he still looked down on the use of opium.  The use of such drugs was legal at that time in England, what with so much understimulation.  Dr. Watson sometimes suspected that drug use was involved when Holmes stayed up all night.  Later Watson believed he weaned Holmes off the junk.sherlock1

Despite the drug use, Sherlock Holmes stands as a paragon of the modern detective as well as an interesting bachelor specimen.  I wish I could go out on a case with him, maybe do some experiments.  Go skeet shooting.  But he’s dead.  I mean, if he’d been real, he’d be dead.  Rest in peace, fictional dude.

By the way, there are two new Sherlock Holmes movies in the works.  One will star Robert Downey Jr as Holmes with Guy Ritchie directing and the other has Borat’s Sacha Baron Cohen as Holmes and Will Ferrell as Dr. Watson in a comedy by Judd Apatow.  Pretty excellent!  Can’t wait.

BACHELORS IN CATHOLICISM

Bachelors In History

Bachelor Profiles: Mad King Ludwig

Bachelor Profiles: The Bachelor President

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BACHELORS IN CATHOLICISM

Sean Connery & Christian Slater monk it up in 'The Name of the Rose'

Sean Connery & Christian Slater monk it up in 'The Name of the Rose'

by Jonathan B. Perry
My brother Jay thinks it was our slightly crazed college history professor, Dr. Schroeder, who once said that the Dark Ages were brought on, in part, by all the good thinkers dying out as non-reproductive monks.  This actually makes some sense when you consider that monks filled medieval monasteries with the most educated minds of the time.

It seems they were all locked in the libraries where they got smart, recorded some chants, filmed “The Name of the Rose”, and died off with little instruction to procreators.  Still, they managed to copy thousands of books by hand and probably had plenty of time to read a few tacky romance novels along the way before these non-pop-up books were shipped to places like the Alexandria library before they were accidentally destroyed in heavily regretted book burning accidents (the Alexandria library was probably destroyed long before monk-writing became all the rage, but whatever).  martin-lutherIf, like these medieval monks, you have lots of free time in isolation where you don’t necessarily have to farm to maintain a livelihood because the peasants are growing potatoes for you, then you could work through a few books a week or perhaps write a swell treatise on the nature of Christ and how he did alright as a single dude, at least until that whole crucifixion thing.

Catholicism has long been a solid bastion of support for bachelorism.  Monasteries, abbeys, and, in fact, the entire church hierarchical structure all the way up to the papacy are designed with the bachelor’s interests at heart.  Popes have historically been celibate bachelors.  “Officially”.  Thomas Aquinas became a monk and successfully avoided sex, even when his brothers did a frat hazing and tried to lure him with a prostitute.  Despite the many bachelor successes, there are a couple notables who procured women (sounds like snagging weed) and followed up by changing to Protestantism.  Martin Luther was still a bachelor monk when he posted his 95 Theses.    the-wives-of-henry-viiiThen he married a nun and they became Protestants, quickly populating Protestantism with six children.

English monarch Henry VIII liked women so much that he cast off the smothering confines of Catholicism and started his own church with himself as the head of it so he could divorce the queen and marry some chick with 12 fingers before he executed her and married a few others.

Despite the institutionalized singleness in Catholicism, it seems any loss of reproduction in the church hierarchy has been more than made up for by the lack of birth control for the non-single Catholic, so the plan does seem to be well balanced and thought out after all.  Whether it was really planned that way is uncertain.

Oh, RABBIT RABBIT!!!

Related Reading:

Famous Historical Bachelors-A List

Famous LIVING Bachelors

Bachelor Profiles: Vincent Van Gogh

BACHELORS IN HISTORY

Bachelor Profiles: Sherlock Holmes

Bachelor Profiles: Mad King Ludwig

Bachelor Profiles: The Bachelor President

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Presidents’ Day Special! The Bachelor President

by Jonathan B Perryjames_buchanan

It seems, historically, that marriage has been an unspoken requirement for American presidents, except, of course, for President #15, James Buchanan (1791-1868), whose raw bachelor sex appeal helped lay the groundwork for the Civil War (maybe not bachelor-induced, but his inability to stop southern succession wasn’t helpful).  Buchanan was the Democrat president right before Lincoln and is often considered by historians to be one of the worst.  And of all the presidents, he was the only one who never married.

It’s not that he didn’t try to debachelorize.  At about age 28 he actually fell in love with and even proposed to Ann Coleman, daughter of a wealthy iron-mill owner.  Sadly, Ann’s folks didn’t think old JB was up to snuff.  Shortly after Buchanan’s proposal was denied, the poor girl died under mysterious circumstances, a rumored suicide, and it seems that JB never tried again, swearing off marriage.  He was even barred from the funeral.  Keeping her letters always, he requested they be burned at his death.  Even so, it was suspected by many, including Andrew Jackson, that Buchanan may have maintained a homosexual relationship with Alabama Senator William Rufus King, with whom he lived for 15 years. Aaron V Brown referred to the two as “Buchanan and his wife”.  It’s hard to know.  Times were different then, though it is interesting to note that the nieces of both men later burned the men’s letters of correspondence.  Lots of letter burning.  How will they burn our blogs or emails when we’re gone?  Didn’t hear this stuff much in history class.

Anyway, Happy Presidents’ Day!

Related Reading:

Valentine’s Day Shame

Bachelor Profiles:  Mad King Ludwig

Bachelor Profiles: Sherlock Holmes

BACHELORS IN CATHOLICISM

Bachelors In History

Famous Historical Bachelors-A List

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Bachelor Profiles: Mad King Ludwig

Born in 1845, Ludwig Friedrich Wilhelm became king of Bavaria (area of SE Germany) at age 18 upon the death of his father. Popular with the Bavarians because of his youth and good looks, Ludwig II was soon pressured to produce an heir (well, who isn't?) and within a few short years became engaged to his cousin, Duchess Sophie of Bavaria, because royal inbreeding always gets a pass. Really, though, he was in love with his other cousin, Elisabeth, Sophie's sis, which isn't at all weird, Read the rest of this entry »