In every election season, there’s a tough vetting process for the candidates. Sometimes it’s accidental vetting, but occasionally the candidates are forthcoming with their quirks. We want someone who fits us. I know many of you guys are dragging your feet on dating or committing because, well, you’re just unsure whether that girl you like has what’s needed to complement your own quirks. In other words, you’re not sure how much like your mom she really is. This fixes that. Just hand her this questionnaire and sit back while she fills in the magic. You’ll know soon enough whether your girl is the perfect cross between Giada, Megan Fox, Natalie Wood, and your mom. Also, don’t be surprised if she high-tails it out of there, slaps you, or turns the tables and hands you a questionnaire of her own.
In my generous effort to help my fellow helpless men who inexplicably find themselves in situations where they’re receiving ‘love’ applications and/or resumes for a certain position, I’ve made this excellent questionnaire. Start vetting your ‘love candidates’. You are welcome.
Dear Potential Significant Other (PSO),
Thank you for your interest. Please take a moment to fill out this potential significant other (PSO) questionnaire. Rate yourself on a scale of 0-5, with 0 being not applicable, 1 being hardly at all/not good & 5 being very much so/very good. Submit your answers, an IQ/SAT score, and a hot photo or 2 to email@example.com (ok, don’t do that). Good luck!
1. How is your cooking?
2. How well do you play the piano?
3. How well can you sing “Singin’ In The Rain” in the shower?
4. How well do you play the nose flute?
5. How well do you play another musical instrument with your nose?
6. How would you rate your intelligence?
7. If your IQ resembled parts of a chicken, how much more likely is it shaped like the beak than the gizzard?
8. How much would you say you resemble Natalie Portman?
9. How much would you say you resemble Miss Havisham from “Great Expectations”?
10. By the way, how well-read are you?
11. Would you consider yourself a nurturer?
12. If I was home sick, how well would you take care of me?
13. How good are the chances you’d get away with saying something gross?
14. What’s the likelihood you’d actually say something gross?
15. How high-maintenance are you?
16. How much do you want children?
17. How many children do you want?
18. If you had really good-looking ankles, what’s the likelihood you’d show off those puppies?
19. Do you easily find yourself twitching at others’ poor grammar?
20. Wait, what are the chances you’re proofreading this blog?
21. How good is your self-esteem?
22. How modest are you?
23. How much like Julie Andrews from “The Sound of Music” are you?
24. How much like the Liesl character from “The Sound of Music” are you?
25. How well did you notice I’ve made 3 references to musicals so far?
26. Um, how much do you like sports?
27. How often do you lie on these surveys?
28. If someone randomly yelled “Hey, Elegant Chick!”, how likely would it be that (s)he would be referring to you?
the secret word is delusional
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