Okay, dudes. We need to talk. It seems we have a problem, a perception problem that’s going to take a lot of Lysol & Clorox to wipe clean. Apparently our bachelor pads have gotten pretty funky. I know that’s not terribly surprising, but now there’s this so-called ‘official’ research from the University of Arizona showing how truly foul things are. According to these tests, bachelor pads contain 15 times the amount of bacteria than is in the homes of bachelorettes. 15 TIMES! That’s insane. I didn’t figure the number would be that high. Maybe 3 or 4 times more germs, but not 15. Of course, the study found that bachelorette homes were even cleaner than the average home with 2 or more people, so apparently bachelorettes are freaks, like museum curators or something, whereas bachelor pads were like monkey cages (which would make bachelors the monkeys throwing poop, not the zoo keepers).
Oh, the grossest thing the study found about bachelor pads is that 70% of coffee tables harbored coliform, a type of bacteria common in feces. Feces! You’ve got crap on your coffee table! Apparently shoes pick up feces after a while, so if you put your feet up on the coffee table, there’s a good chance you’re transferring poop. Exciting, huh? These coliforms and other fun microbes, including cold and flu carriers, were also abundant on TV remotes, door knobs, and the bedside stand. It’s true, bachelorette homes weren’t immune to these bugs, but they weren’t nearly as disgustingly infested.
Now guys, you can take some solace in knowing you aren’t spreading the Legionnaires Disease that recently made almost 200 visitors to the Playboy Mansion ill. We all knew there’d be some scary stuff coming from there, but not on that big of a scale. I’m sure you might be interested in seeing some sort of trade off, like the flu for a scantily clad woman or hives for a dominatrix, but things don’t exactly work like that (though bringing a stripper home might provide bonus bacteria). It’s probably more important at this point to take a Sunday afternoon and wipe up your filth, you pig.
And if she ever asks whether you want to go back to her place or to your place, you know, to make jam, definitely go to her place. And remember to take off your shoes.