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Bachelor Pads Have 15 Times More Germs!!!


This is not my beautiful house.

by Jonathan Bacteria Perry

Okay, dudes.  We need to talk.  It seems we have a problem, a perception problem that’s going to take a lot of Lysol & Clorox to wipe clean.  Apparently our bachelor pads have gotten pretty funky.  I know that’s not terribly surprising, but now there’s this so-called ‘official’ research from the University of Arizona showing how truly foul things are.  According to these tests, bachelor pads contain 15 times the amount of bacteria than is in the homes of bachelorettes.  15 TIMES!  That’s insane.  I didn’t figure the number would be that high.  Maybe 3 or 4 times more germs, but not 15.  Of course, the study found that bachelorette homes were even cleaner than the average home with 2 or more people, so apparently bachelorettes are freaks, like museum curators or something, whereas bachelor pads were like monkey cages (which would make bachelors the monkeys throwing poop, not the zoo keepers).

Oh, the grossest thing the study found about bachelor pads is that 70% of coffee tables harbored coliform, a type of bacteria common in feces.  Feces!  You’ve got crap on your coffee table!  Apparently shoes pick up feces after a while, so if you put your feet up on the coffee table, there’s a good chance you’re transferring poop.  Exciting, huh?  These coliforms and other fun microbes, including cold and flu carriers,  were also abundant on TV remotes, door knobs, and the bedside stand.  It’s true, bachelorette homes weren’t immune to these bugs, but they weren’t nearly as disgustingly infested.

Now guys, you can take some solace in knowing you aren’t spreading the Legionnaires Disease that recently made almost 200 visitors to the Playboy Mansion ill.  We all knew there’d be some scary stuff coming from there, but not on that big of a scale.  I’m sure you might be interested in seeing some sort of trade off, like the flu for a scantily clad woman or hives for a dominatrix, but things don’t exactly work like that (though bringing a stripper home might provide bonus bacteria).  It’s probably more important at this point to take a Sunday afternoon and wipe up your filth, you pig.

And if she ever asks whether you want to go back to her place or to your place, you know, to make jam, definitely go to her place.  And remember to take off your shoes.

The secret word is nasty.

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5 Responses to “Bachelor Pads Have 15 Times More Germs!!!”

  • You know, I’ve been in a few scary female apartments, too. I’m just sayin’…

    BTW, Kari Prouty is a good friend of mine and she pointed me at your blog. Funny stuff! :)

  • admin:

    It’s excellent to hear about feminine filth and the cave women of Fire Island. Always good to have the bar lowered.
    The Proutys are awesome! Miss those goats. Glad she sent you this way.

  • As the old saying goes numbers don’t lie but you can lie with numbers. Well it is true from my observation that most dude’s pads are trashed in many ways. But this isn’t an indictment against single men and their propensity for bacteria – but rather a question of the company they keep and the parties that are thrown at the dude’s pad.

    Case in point from my observations – the Greek System on any University campus; If you go to any university fraternity you will notice a high degree of wear and tear on the house facilities; and if you go to the sororities you will notice an almost pristine museum quality about them. Why is this, you might ask. Well the answer is simple.

    Watch the film classic Animal House if you have never been to a 4 year university. The sororities party at the fraternities – get drunk puck, and start fights ( dudes going crazy over sexy babes with beer goggles ) and then they go home. You can apply the same behavior to any major event where throngs of people gather get drunk demonstrate groove to the music and then go home.

    If your pad is the scene of repeated parties, get together / crash pad, bus stop, community center for neighbors and so called friends, romantic recreation facility and so on – there is a high probability that your average dude’s pad will have a higher amount of bacteria in it, than his corresponding bachelorette abode.

    The moral to the story is that if you want to have a clean relatively bacteria free apartment where everything is where you left it and nothing is missing or stolen – make plans to order take out, party your butt off and take your showers at her or other peoples places and then go home to be with all your cool stuff.

  • admin:

    Well said.

  • IhateSexism:

    This research is sexist.