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A Moment of Silence For Natalie Portman’s Singleness


by Jonathan Bryan Perry

Well dudes, by now you’ve heard the sad news that Natalie Portman is engaged & ‘with child’, as they say.  This effectively takes her off the market (though certainly she’s in a different market from, you know, us).  So, let’s have a moment of silence for Natalie Portman’s singleness.    Good.  Thanks.  Obviously, she’s not dead, but the love song I wrote for her, “Natalie Portman is Hot”, is now moot (yes, Myrtle & Blanche, I wrote love songs for other women.  And I totally rhymed hot with Huguenot.).  It doesn’t matter that I sang all 8 parts of the harmony way better than The Bee Gees or The King’s Singers ever could and I didn’t even have to undergo drastic countertenor/falsetto ‘enhancement’ surgeries.  Mostly.

Anyway Natalie, I just want to take a minute to remember ‘us’ and the special times we spent together over the years:  You acting all royal in Star Wars prequels.  Me watching alone in the dark in my Han Solo duds (ok, a Wookiee costume).  You listening to The Shins with Zach Braff in Garden State.  Me jealously wanting to lend you some slightly better Indie-ish music I was listening to at the time.  Me watching you rap awesomely on that SNL sketch.  Me Googling photos of you.  For my blog.  Really.


more extreme make-up. Nat in Star Wars

Yes guys, Natalie Portman’s all gone.  It was coming, though.  We all saw it.  After she went off to that fancy university with the rich boys, you know, to emphasize her smarts with her hots, there was a poignant stripper pole scene somewhere (This is off point.  Or is it?).  Now, of course, it ends with one of her co-stars.  The collective mourning probably started back when she shaved her head in V for Vendetta (and for the super-lame ending of the movie.  WTH?), but we at least knew her hair would grow back.  Also, she does have a nice skull.  Yes, there were signs.  We’ll take some solace knowing she spent some ‘special’ time with Mila Kunis in The Black Swan.  This will help. Truly.

Now, being engaged does not make one married, but when there’s a baby involved, you don’t mess with it, cuz, well, you know…  So, with much sadness, I’ll man up and wish her all the happiness in the world.  Maybe dress in a black Sith outfit for a few days before I start Googling pics of the secretarial pool from Mad Men.  For my blog, of course.

Natalie, may the force be with you.  Also, I think Jonathan is a great name for a baby.

The secret word is mourning

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4 Responses to “A Moment of Silence For Natalie Portman’s Singleness”

  • Melanie:

    My favorite movie with her is “Where the Heart Is”
    If you haven’t seen it you must. She plays the part of a young pregnant girl who ends up having her baby in the Walmart store. She’s adorable in this film and you can’t help but love her.

  • admin:

    That is a good movie. Interesting premise.

  • marshall ackerman:

    you should, post the song here on the blog

  • admin:

    Hah! The recording is terrible, as usual. Also, about 2 minutes in the sound really fuzzes out. Thanks for the evil encouragement, though.