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Archive for November 2010

Why (and What) Nice Guys Win

{The estrogen infusion continues with the latest in our series, Inside the Female Mind and a rebuttal to Nice Guys Finish Last.}

(Our guest blogger is Lydia Dukaric.  Lydia writes the travel blog Travelchick.)

During the past ten years, I dated some guys who fit right into the category we term “bad boys”.  They kept me guessing about how they felt, I was never quite sure I could trust them, and it always seemed that I was asking for more than they were willing to give.  I was continually either wildly ecstatic or psychotically depressed.  There was no in-between.  I constantly felt that I was trying to live up to some unknown standard in order to keep the relationship together, while simultaneously attempting to frantically shove the guys into a certain mold that would make them perfect for me.  I focused on a few seamless qualities they possessed while trying not to take notice of any number of serious flaws.  Exciting? Stressful?  Addicting?  Yes on all counts!  But was that really what I wanted?

Apparently not, because two months ago I married a nice guy.

Ooooh, there’s that dreaded phrase: Nice Guy…  It’s gotten such a bad rap as the two ominous words women use when referring to a man with whom they’d rather share a genetic code than a bed.  Even I cringe a little when I hear it.  In movies, when a woman has just met a rather bland man, she always tells her friends he’s a “nice guy” and then immediately focuses her attention on the most thoughtless, emotionally unavailable, and arrogant man around.  He’s always also very attractive.  This is unfortunate.  I believe that nice guys have been deceptively portrayed as spineless, boring, and even needy.  And what woman in her right mind wants a guy like that!  I sure don’t!

Women Want Confidence

What we REALLY want is a man who is confident, surprising, a little bit irreverent, and trusts himself enough to allow us to trust him too.  When a guy is into us, we want to feel a little (or a lot) like we’ve won some sort of coveted prize.  That is, unfortunately, the vibe that nice guys often fail to exude and what gives them such a horrible reputation.  Confidence is supremely attractive.  Bad boys aren’t necessarily any more confident than nice guys (Though some of them have actually been able to convince themselves that they are your every dream come true, which is even worse.  Confidence and arrogance are not the same thing.), but they’re always much better at pretending, which is why woman tend to get sucked in, and even think these guys are more attractive.  Pretending isn’t enough, though, because it requires that he keep her at arm’s length lest she discover his ruse and subsequently disavow his power over her.  A nice guy who is sincerely confident, however, will ultimately win.  You can’t pretend forever.  We could go into what real confidence looks like and how to have it, but that’s another topic altogether.

Women Want Trust

One of my favorite things about my husband is that I can trust him- not just to be faithful to me (though that’s a big part of it), but to take up the slack when I’m not around.   I know that I don’t always have to be in control of everything.  I know he has a sense of personal responsibility.  I know that he is interested in the well-being of, not just himself, but of us as a partnership.  I know that he’s there for me when I need him most.  It makes a big difference.  This is my favorite nice-guy quality because a man who has genuine confidence can stop thinking about himself long enough to think about someone else.  I know that when he does things he’s not merely thinking about what he can do to get ahead (i.e. What will this get me later on tonight), but what will benefit the two of us as a couple.  A bad boy, by definition, needs to make the woman feel that he is all that matters when the chips are down, and he isn’t really focused on finding someone he can trust either.  When the chips really are down, the woman who relies on the bad boy is on her own.

Women Want Authenticity

While it’s true that a “project” can be exciting and make a woman feel worthwhile and needed, what happens when she actually succeeds in breaking her man down into the little bits and pieces of what she wants him to be?  Isn’t the allure of the fixer-upper immediately broken?  I heartily agree that women want to feel needed and useful.  We are natural nurturers, so the idea of helping some poor hapless soul to find their way is understandably gratifying.  I’d like to propose, however, that bad boys incite the need for this behavior, while a good guy provides what we crave in a more constructive manner.  Bad boys by nature make women feel that they don’t really need them- and it’s the insecurity these guys create in her that makes her feel that she must tackle him as a project.  The nice guy, however, can validate the woman for her role in the relationship, admit that he needs her in ways that don’t involve changing him, and give her that opportunity to nurture without becoming neurotic.  It’s a wonderful feeling to find someone who’s already the man we want him to be and still know that he needs us.

Nice Guys Win… What Exactly?

We really need to talk now about this whole idea of winning.  What is “winning” exactly?  Guys, if your goal is to bed as many women as possible, then being a bad boy is where it’s at and you can disregard everything I’ve said up until now.  A woman who isn’t looking for anything more than a little fun (and even some who are) will flock to you like bees to honey.  The bad boy demeanor has instant gratification and the thrill of the moment written all over it.  But that’s all you’ll get:  the moment.  If you want the long-lasting love and support of a charming and faithful woman, however, you might want to think again.  If you want to know that she wants you for you and not because you’re playing a clever game with her, it’s time to change your ways.  When I married my husband (and I’m pretty sure that means he didn’t finish last!), I knew he was a nice guy- one who is both confident and humble, tender and cheeky, playful and trustworthy- and I married him because of this.  When they think about the father of their children, women don’t want the wayward bad boy and they don’t want the ingratiating “nice guy”.  They want a man who is genuine, confident, and trustworthy.  Guys like that really win.

Lydia Dukaric is a newlywed with a graduate degree in molecular biology who does behavioral therapy with autistic children and has a secret passion for writing.  Her favorite topics are travel, relationships, health, and personality type. She lives with her husband, cat, and two parakeets in a small suburb of Detroit, Michigan. She maintains a travel blog at http://1travelchick.wordpress.com

Related Reads:

Nice Guys Finished Last:  Why Women Are Attracted To Bad Boys

Top 5 Reasons Women Choose to Stay Single

The Jaded Sage and What Women Want

Brigitte Dale and Nice Guys

Bachelor Secrets Part 1: Why Are They Single?

Bachelor Secrets Part 2: Dating Habits

Intimidated By Smart Girls?

My Bucket List: 100 Things To Do Before I Die

Changing Your Relationship Status on a Social-Networking Site

Couples Vs Singles: Socialization

Dating Advice From The Family

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Bachelor POLL: Favorite Fictional Bachelor

FictionalBachelorsJayGatsbyAustinPowersBarneyStinsonJamesBond SherlockHolmes How I Met Your Mother Great GatsbyPoll time:  Who’s your favorite fictional bachelor? I wanted to add Indiana Jones, but apparently he was married once or twice on his down time, so no go.  I’m shunning Willy Wonka out of pure spite (he’s knows what he did).  Anyway, please vote for your favorite fictional bachelor.  You can leave comments below to say why you voted the way you did.  If you think of someone not on the list, let us know & we might add him to the poll.  Or not.  Popeye?  Eh.  Check back for the results.  Vote often.  Eat tacos.

the secret word is favoritism

Lists & Profiles of Famous & Historical Bachelors:

Famous Living Bachelors

Famous Historical Bachelors- A List

Bachelor Profiles: Vincent Van Gogh

BACHELORS IN HISTORY

Bachelor Profiles: Sherlock Holmes

BACHELORS IN CATHOLICISM

Bachelor Profiles: Mad King Ludwig

Bachelor Profiles: The Bachelor President

List Posts:

My Bucket List-100 Things To Do Before I Die

My 25 Humanoid Things

My 11 Favorite Christmas Albums

Resolutions for 2010

4 Ways to Screw Up a Perfectly Good Thing

11 Steps to Becoming a DB

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Nice Guys Finish Last: Why Women are Attracted to Bad Boys

{This is the 2nd in our series, Inside the Female Mind}

(Our guest blogger is Louise Baker.  Louise is a freelance writer whose articles have been featured by MSN, Publisher’s Weekly, About.com and the Consumerist.  She writes for ZenCollegeLife.com.)

Unfortunately for the sweet do-right guys out there, it seems that the undeserving bad boy typically gets the girl. Bad boys are rude, inattentive, unfaithful, cheap and an all-around burden for women, but women generally eat up their bad boy demeanor. Personally, I’ve been there and I’ve done that. So, I’m here to tell men just why the bad boy essence is so alluring to the ladies.

It’s all About the Chase

While I may not be riding on the back of a Harley Davidson or posting bail for my bad boy, the union is still rather exciting. He makes me chase him, work for his affection and wonder whether or not my efforts are making him swoon. Approximately 80% of the time the adventure is torturous to my emotions. But, the remaining 20% is filled with an exciting chase which makes all of my senses, emotions and beliefs defy everything I’ve ever known. To most girls, this rush is worth the trouble.

He’s Arm Candy

Let’s face it – looks do matter, and it just so happens that most bad boys tend to make rather scrumptious arm candy. The tailored-to-the-tee style, the nonchalant attitude and the natural good looks are enough to make most girls do a double take. And, if I’m strolling down the street, mall, restaurant or casino with a hunk of a man, it boosts my own ego. It may sound like trying to get a date with the Quarterback in High School, but girls are still competitive and thrive on social standings. My arm candy boosts my social status all the more.

It’s a Project

As a woman, I’m a natural born nurturer. I want to feel needed. I want my input to make a difference in someone’s behavior. And I want to be able to take a sick animal (in this case, my bad boyfriend), and turn him into a thriving, picture-perfect being (in this case, the perfect man). If the man is already close to perfection, as the sweet do-gooders already are, there’s nothing for me to do. There’s less gratification in being with a man that already meets my standards than there is when I have the possibility to turn my bad boy into my perfect Stepford husband.

I can try to change his attitudes, his habits, his living arrangements, his style and his mannerisms. Yes, it sounds neurotic. But, I’m a fixer. And, this is a project which has my name written all over it. Of course, most women do outgrow this stage. But this transition typically only occurs after wasting valuable time on the wrong bad-natured boys.

In hindsight, dating a bad boy is a way for women to feel young, cool, needed and interested. Bad boys cause so much havoc that it’s nearly impossible to get bored, and they let women relive our crazy youth in heart-stopping style.

(Stay tuned for a rebuttal in defense of nice guys!)

Louise Baker writes about online degrees for Zen College Life. She has also recently written about the best schools online.

Related Posts:

Top 5 Reasons Women Choose to Stay Single (1st in the series: Inside the Female Mind)

The Jaded Sage and What Women Want

Brigitte Dale and Nice Guys

Bachelor Secrets Part 1: Why Are They Single?

Bachelor Secrets Part 2: Dating Habits

Intimidated By Smart Girls?

My Bucket List: 100 Things To Do Before I Die

Changing Your Relationship Status on a Social-Networking Site

Couples Vs Singles: Socialization

Dating Advice From The Family

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Autumn’s Bottom or That’s All, Fall

Vermont Autumn

There’s a small chance of snow tonight here in Huskerland, and I only have some of the yard work done.  Treefuls of leaves have been bagged, but more leaves have offered themselves sacrificially for collection (thanks, leaves).  I’ve only cleaned half the gutters because I need a taller ladder for the front of the house and I don’t really want to climb the roof.  Chicken and lazy.  It wouldn’t be much snow, but it’s all downhill from here, baby.  So, before winter gets its freak on, instead of actually finishing yard work, I thought I’d pay special tribute to the awesomest season I know, autumn. CONTINUE READING >>>

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100,000!!!!!

So, hey:  100,000 page hits!  By humans!  There have been 100k page views (Grandma, I’ll explain it all later) since The Domesticated Bachelor blog started just over a year and a half ago.  Sure, much of it is accidental search engine hits based on searches for Natalie Portman or Jenny Agutter in the altogether, but whatever works.  I’m sure there’s a good way to celebrate that doesn’t involve the words chocolate/cake/ice cream/goat.  What?  Nevermind.  Anyway, rejoice with me as I rest gently on my laurels (not my friend Laurel who wields kitchen knives).  Which posts are your favorites?  Bachelor profiles11 Steps to Becoming a Domesticated Bachelor?   The trials of cookingTypes of womenOdes to my dead catBachelor Pad contemplation?  Let us know your favorites (by us I mean me).  It might affect future blogginess.  Or not.  Thanks so much for reading!  Oh, and sign up for free emails on future blog posts, so I can softly, but regularly, harass you.  You know you like it.

(By the way, I don’t quite know how to remove the crazy political ads, but they’ll be gone after tomorrow, so yay.)

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