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To My Married Female Friends

Dear Awesome Married Female Friends,

I want to thank you so so much for the generously sweet pity you’ve shown me in offering to set me up with your single female friends.  Look at you being all matchmakey.  I know you’ve given it considerable thought in deciding I was possibly among the least heinous of the single guys you know who might be suitable for dating your friends and I could not be more appreciative.

Surprisingly, your single female friends (SFF) seem completely non-mutant, even pretty, happy, interesting, and well-adjusted for people forced to live in places like Canada, Hawaii and the east coast.  And Michigan.  I’m only mildly suspicious.  Thank you for letting me see pictures.  This is vitally important.  Feel free to email pics to me anytime.  I commend you on your fine suggestions and am aware that it reflects on how you view me (as possibly one of the least heinous single dudes you know).

While it may seem I have looked the gift horse in the mouth, seen the uvula, and chosen a vow of continual solitude, this isn’t quite the case and I still stand by my concern at the inherent problems in a long-distance relationship (really, this is only slightly a ruse).  In fact, at this very moment I am yet considering these most important and intriguing opportunities (that all seem to have weirdly come around the same time.  I don’t suspect my mom yet.) and am weighing them against my cowardice.  I fully appreciate your willingness to allow time for my deepest contemplation and over-analysis (analysis paralysis).

As I arrange my fantasy baseball roster for the day, I’ll reflect on what wonderful friends I have, what’s wrong with their friends, whether I should play Kosuke Fukudome in right field, why I shouldn’t mispronounce his name that way, and how big a dork I really am.

Thank you again so much,
Jonathan
(By the way, your hair looked really nice today.)

The secret fake word is matchmakey

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