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Archive for April 2010

30 Million Chinese Bachelors and The Matrix Solution

by Jonathan B Perry

 

Future Army of Chinese Bachelors (great band name)

I have good news and I have bad newsFirst, the bad news:  Guys of 2020, there will be a surplus of competitive males as there never has been before at any time in history.  30 million extra men to be approximate.  In just 10 years there’s going to be such a glut of guys of marriageable age it’ll seem like one endless frat party where there are maybe 2 women in the back.  Granted, these extra men are in China where the population is about 1.5 billion (and where 30 million is relatively small, though not really), but still they’re not all going to stay in China and there will likely be some domino effect flopping around the globe, so you’ll need to work extra hard to trick women into hanging out excessively.  Drat.

Now the good news:  Ladies of 2020, there will be a surplus of competitive males of marriageable age, so the dude options will be greater and more desperate than ever before.  The scarcity of women makes each of you even more valuable (think higher pedestals) and you can be choosier and make guys grovel more.  Many of you look forward to this.  If you hold out just a little longer, say 10 years, some of you current bachelorettes might have better luck snagging younger, awesomer studs.

Of course this imbalance all stems from China’s one child per household policy that often saw families choosing to have boys as their only child and to abort the female fetuses as a practice of population control which retained males who would theoretically provide better for their families.  It’s been called gendercide.  Now aware of its severe gender imbalance, the Chinese government is making a strong push to the public to look more favorably on girls, hoping to stem the tide of aborted females.  So far it’s only been slightly effective (there are banners saying stuff like “Girls are swell”), and it will still take generations for things to even out.

This sort of situation hasn’t really been an issue in previous civilizations.  You could draw some similarities with the imbalances after the world wars, when there was a surplus of women when many Johnnys didn’t come marching home again.  It’s believed the feminist movement even gained traction from the higher number of single professional women of the 1920s and 1930s.  I just thought I’d point that out.

Keanu Reeves waking up in Jello

Concerns have been voiced that this excess of single men, unable to mate, may create many more societal issues in the years to come:  wars to cull the surplus males, a rise in crime (particularly rape), an increase in prostitution, a rise in homosexuality, and many more sloppy apartments.

Since it will take many decades to correct the situation in China, what other solutions might there be to help the problem?  I’ve come up with a few ideas and only one of them uses bachelors as human batteries a la The Matrix.

Chinese Bachelor Solution #1:  Promote religions, like Buddhism or Catholicism, where bachelors become monks or priests.  You might have to lure them in with church bingo at first, but do whatever works.  This would require a moderate change in the government’s stance toward religion (I’m not pushing either religion.  Baptist or Methodist monasteries could be developed, just to mess with things.).

Solution # 2:  Chinese mail order grooms-  When one thinks of arranging spouses to order, mail order brides from places like Eastern Europe spring to mind.  Now with many young Chinese men potentially unable to find mates nearby, they’ll need to cast wider worldwide nets and this may include making themselves available for marriage by mail order.  Bigger boxes.  More air holes.

Solution # 3:  Human batteries a la The Matrix– In the movie The Matrix people lived in watery pods and existed in a dream state, while powering the evil machines.  Never mind that you could put caviar on iv and call it a spa weekend.  Forget that Beijing and Shanghai could be powered cleanly and cheaply from now until Chinese New Year.  No, I suppose it’s not an option (or even a good human rights thing), unless you just do Gilligan-style power-maker  with the coconut bicycle making electricity (come to think of it, gyms around the world could do this bit and harness the power to run their tv’s).  I’m sure there’d be some way to do it, though it doesn’t really fix the mating thing, does it?  Hmm.  Forget this one.

Solution # 4:  Men dating outside their age groups- I realize guys throughout history have been dating outside their own age group, but it’s usually been scary old rich guys dating younger helpless and/or money-grubbing women (the dudes have more cows for dowries).  The Future Army of  Chinese Bachelors (cool band name!) may need to consider the limited options and be more open to dating older women, widows and retirees even.  And if China can find way to pump out extra females (without aborting males), say through in vitro fertilization or some genetic magic, then the extra dudes could date younger without skewing things too much for the younger guys.

Solution # 5:  Cryonics?  I’m just putting it out there.

Solution # 6:  Find female alien life.  I think there have been B-movies about this.

Solution # 7:  Import women- Let’s face it, China may do well to find incentives to import women to China.  It might be useful to pay women to move to China and marry Chinese men.  I can see it now, in 10 years time there will be specials on 20/20 and Oprah about how China has an army of bachelors just waiting for all available women to come for marriage and money.  Perhaps special women-only schools could be set up to draw female students from around the world.  Maybe it could be something like marketing the acrobat schools to Bollywood dancers (that’s the group I’d aim for).

So, China has a big problem, but there are often viable solutions to difficult problems.  Hopefully something can be done to improve the potential for millions of Chinese, while avoiding a catastrophic future involving millions of filthy bachelor pads.

When I re-edit, I’ll find a way to sneak in Bowie’s song “China Doll”.

The secret word is imbalance.

Vaguely Related Reading:

Logan’s Run and Population Control

Not Really Related, but Nifty Reads:

My Bucket List:  100 Things To Do Before I Die

Esperanto Rhymes With Tonto

Celebrity Crushes: The Girl Next Door

Celebrity Crushes: Is Elegance Elitist?

Sound Of Music DEATHMATCH!!! Liesl v Maria

Google-Stalking The Ex

Bachelors In History

World Of Warcraft…Dating?

Getting Colder:

Kitten Of Evil

Which Is Your Type? A Pseudo-Cosmo Quiz

Ode To Autumn

The Prophecy Of The Tornado And the Trailer

How NOT To Decorate The Bachelor Pad

Bachelor Step #1: THE BACHELOR PAD

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Why Fantasy Sports Make Me Feel Manly (and like an addict)

by Jonathan Basecommander Perry

Ok, yeah, it's really 2010.

OK, sure.  I’m only playing fantasy baseballIt’s not like it’s fantasy football or sci-fi soccer (yeah, I just made that up, but doesn’t it sound awesome?).  Not only is baseball a snail-paced sport, but because of the daily games in baseball, I have to keep on top of things every freaking day for like 5 months.  Or is it 6 months?  Maybe that makes it more hardcore.  The 1st 2 years I played fantasy baseball I got so into number crunching, I made graphs.  Baseball Stat Graphs! I even updated those graphs periodically throughout the season (yeah, I like stats).  I mean, they didn’t really seem to help me because I never ended higher than 3rd place (though I flirted with the lead a few times as late as August), but I enjoyed comparing players’ stats and it seemed to enhance my fantasy baseball enjoyment.

Last year I missed the deadline to sign up for fantasy baseball with my group and I was disappointed, but more than anything, I was actually relieved.  I felt like I’d kicked a terrible drug habit, like heroin or smack or angel dust (I have no clue what those last 2 are).  On weeklong camping trips when I was playing and far away from a computer, I’d find excuses (groceries, laundry, Taco Bell) to drive the 30 minutes into town and hit the library so I could check my fantasy team and make little adjustments to the roster.  Maybe bench or trade a slumping player.  I’d eat up the latest stats and try to catch some live games.  I’d even drag my laptop along to discover I’d found probably the only Starbucks in the world without WiFi.  It was a compulsion.  Then, when I wasn’t playing, it was as if I suddenly, miraculously, had free time to do other things like exercise, read classical literature (Bill Bryson), and chat online with non-fictional women that I totally didn’t just make up.  The air was fresher.  I slept better at night.  I lost almost 40 pounds (I’m not sure how all this is related).  I’d poured so much time every day for months into my fantasy team that I wasted possibly hundreds of hours I could have spent reading Don Quixote or socializing with humans.  Yes, not playing was a relief.

But here I am again.  Another year.  Another fantasy baseball league.  Actually 2 this time.  Dangit.  Both named Moose & Squirrel.  My buddy Roland, who lured me into the previous leagues, got me into it again this year at the last minute with his friends in TaiwanJerk.  He’s my fantasy crack dealer.  I thought I’d escaped.  Once I’d succumbed to the lure of one league, I remembered my other college friend Brian had been asking around for people to play in his league.  So later that afternoon I decided, what the heck.  I’m already doing it.  I might as well have 2 teams.  I could even experiment with drafting techniques and discover some clever strategies.  The draft is like some weird fantasy Christmas, at least in our leagues where you wake up early after the overnight auto-draft (or race home after work) to see what goodies were left for you in your Easter Basket under the Christmas tree (of course that sounds a little weird when you remember the “goodies” are the players).

Somehow, playing fantasy sports even makes me feel a bit manly.  It’s the stuff guys talk about when they don’t actually play sports.  I suppose it must be like having a second life in one of those role playing games like World of Warcraft (minus the hot orc-women).  I know I’m only playing fantasy baseball, the lesser of the sports fantasies.  I haven’t yet played fantasy football, which is apparently more manly, but less involved, and I feel pretty left out at the office when all the guys gather around Randy’s desk to discuss passing percentages, season ending spinal injuries, or linebacker stats that are pretty meaningless to me, and I consider playing the next year, but I don’t.  I tried to talk to a few of my friends at work about fantasy baseball, but they just gave me vacant stares.  They only do football, so we have little in common.  They also have families.  I don’t even see the guys I’m playing with.

Fantasy sports allow guys to bond in a special way, talk a unique language.  Of course women play, but really it’s mostly guys doing the fantasy stuff (I’m sure there’s some Freudian thing you could take from that).  And however boring baseball might be compared to football or basketball (I do enjoy them both), baseball is still my native sport, the one I most grew up with and I have a soft spot in my head for it.  I still have boxes full of baseball cards I collected when I was younger.  I’ve been to a few major league games and have gone hoarse rooting for the SF GiantsMy mom and her sisters, the biggest sports fans in my family, have their awesome childhood story about visiting Willie Mays‘ house and getting his autograph on the same day they accidentally saw the Beatles in San Francisco, but they didn’t care about the Beatles (that always bothered me).  I even pitched a near perfect game in HS intramurals that was pretty awesome (for a small private school of fat kids).  There’s something about the crack of the bat on the skull…ok, no.  That’s something else.  Anyway, pray for me.

Happy Birthday to my brother Jay!  May he live long and prosper!

Update:  Congratulations to former Nebraska Cornhusker Ndamukong Suh on being the 2nd overall pick in the NFL draft!  The Detroit Lions made a great choice.

The secret word is addiction.

Related Reading:

World of Warcraft…Dating?

Nicknaming Your Friends (For Fun and Revenge)

No Mom, I’m Not Gay

Ode To Autumn

Men Without Cats

11 Steps To Becoming a Domesticated Bachelor: #10.  Collect the Right Toys

11 Steps To Becoming a Domesticated Bachelor: #3.  Shape Up, Fatty

Will Your Siblings Use Up The Good Names?

A Photographic Memory

Children, Braid Your Nosehairs

Couples vs Singles: Socialization

Bachelors In History

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Jimmy Fallon As Neil Young Doing Fresh Prince

(and 75,000 Hits)

A few months ago I stayed up way too late (again) and saw Late Night with Jimmy Fallon because sometimes I like to screw with my sleep schedule.  I haven’t quite embraced him as Conan O’Brien’s successor (I’m still wearing black about the whole Tonight Show thing, too) , but I thought I’d give the dude a chance.  Anyway, Fallon isn’t half bad and more importantly he does a hilarious dead-on impersonation of Neil Young singing Will Smith’s (the Fresh Prince) theme song for Will’s old show The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air .  There’s art and then there’s art.  Not to be overly excited or anything (and slightly unrelated), but I’ve had 75,000 blog page hits now!  We must celebrate with this video.  And dancing.  And leftover Easter chocolate.  And that egg dish I ended up making that turned out suspiciously well.

Behold the glory.

The secret word is Harvest.

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Bachelor Easter Recipe: Mom’s Creamed Eggs With Croutons

by Jonathan Boiled Perry

A few years ago I called my mom to get the recipe for an awesome egg dish she makes, mostly around Easter, and instead of saying “No way! Figure it our yourself, genius!” or “Get your own stupid recipe, you sponge!” she graciously obliged and now I can feed my face in a whole new glorious way.  It’s one of those tasty comfort foods my brothers and I really enjoyed while growing up in the Shire next to Bilbo.  I’ve made it a few times since and, against all odds, haven’t managed to screw it up.  I think it was the first recipe I “collected” and wrote down (come to think of it, it could be the only one).  Do I foresee a recipe box in my future?  Who knows.  I do know that this year I won’t be doing any Easter egg hunts with foxes and metal detectors and I probably won’t be dyeing any eggs with the pulp of an exotic flower, but I may make this recipe.  I should drag it out more because it’s good stuff (not in a cross-dressing drag sort of way).  In fact, I have a craving right now (again, non-drag). Now!

Mom’s Creamed Eggs With Croutons

(Makes 1 Serving)
2 Eggs
1 Cup Milk
2 Tbsp Margarine
2 Tbsp Flour
1/4 Tsp Salt

3 Slices of bread

Bread: Begin your journey of a thousand calories by cutting your bread slices into nifty crouton sizes, then spread the pieces on a cookie sheet or baking pan.  Put in the oven at a temp of 250 degrees.  This basically just lightly toasts your bread, but in a fancy way.  Keep an eye on the bread & remove before it gets brown.  This probably completes by the time you’re done making the egg sauce.  I suppose you could be lazy and lightly toast bread in a toaster, then cut it up.  You could probably even use real croutons, but that just seems wrong and you’d suck.

In the meantime, boil the 2 eggs.  (Here are egg-boiling instructions for the dudes who need them.)  In a pot-thingy cover the eggs with cold water.  Add whatever amount of salt you use to boil eggs (like pinches or smidgens, etc.  This is different from the salt listed in the ingredients.).  Cover and turn to high heat.  When it boils, turn down to low & let sit for 14 minutes (I guess this hard-boils it, which is how we do it in my tribe.  You might like it soft-boiled, if you’re weird.).

White Sauce: While this boiling business is doing it’s thang, get a saucy pan & spray it with Pam or some other spray stuff named after a woman and turn the temp to mostly high heat.  Add your margarine, flour, and salt and stir as it melts.  After it’s melty and mixed add milk, then turn temp to mostly high.  Stir constantly with a fork or something shiny.  When your cauldron comes to a boil, turn off the burner and when it bubbles in the middle, remove from burner.  Repeat the words “Double double toil and trouble.  Fire burn and cauldron bubble.”

Back to the eggs- run cold water in the egg pan.  (If you have time and are really in the mood, decorate your eggs.  Do the crazy colors!  See if the colors don’t bleed through the shell to the eatin’ parts.)  Peel your boiled eggs and cut them into chunks.  Stir the egg chunks into your white sauce.  Chunky.

You’re done.  Just put the bread on a plate, put the sauce on top and consume.  I should probably go make this again to be sure I didn’t leave anything out, just in case it called for strychnine (that may be one of mom’s other recipes).

Happy Easter!

The secret word is cauldron.

Cooking Related Reading:

The Great Suburban Mushroom Hunt

9 Foods I Might As Well Move To The Bomb Shelter

Secret Ingredients & Family Recipes

Grandma Gottschall’s DUTCH APPLE CAKE

Berry Smoothie & The Magic Blender

How Cooking Hijacked My Diet

Becoming A Domesticated Bachelor: Step #4. Learn To Cook

My Bachelor Weight Loss Secrets: Sticking It To The Terrorists

Becoming A Domesticated Bachelor: Steps 8 & 9. Proper Socialization/Throw Parties

Becoming A Domesticated Bachelor: Step #3. Shape Up, Fatty

Stuffed French Toast By Sam The Cooking Guy

Oral History Fixation Cooking

Holiday Reads:

Christmas Rituals

My 11 Favorite Christmas Albums

Holiday Chocolate-For Independence Day?

 

Valentine’s Day Shame

Presidents’ Day Special:  The Bachelor President

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