Archive for September 2009
by Jonathan Boniface Perry
Last night in a dream I climbed a tall mountain in a foreign land seeking the wisdom of the ages from the cracked voice of an old man, a wizened sage. And from that voice came multitudes. “Son“, he said, “If you truly wish to screw up a perfectly good thing with a woman, follow this advice:
1. Gush your affection early. Say something really needy sounding that you can’t take back like, “I can’t stop thinking about you” or “I really really like you.” So poetic. This will serve to let her know once and for all that you’re not really cool and that you, in fact, are a little desperate, even if you thought you were just going with the whole ‘honesty’ and ‘not playing games’ thing. No one wants someone who wants them, at least they don’t want to hear it, unless they’ve already been snogging (yes, the sage said snogging).
The Fix: Instead, be inscrutable. Keep her guessing, even when it seems like a sure thing.
2. Let it slip that you’re a mama’s boy and actually one of those annoyingly nice guys. Really, woman like bad boys, so this is the kiss of death. No one really wants a good boy.
The Fix: Be a bad boy. Be a man. Be more non-chalant and act like you’re not bothered by things. And don’t talk about yourself so much. Or your mom. Be more rough around the edges and the sort of guy women will want to try to fix.
3. Advertise that you’ve only been out with 5 women in the last 6 years. Doesn’t matter if you’re a bit shy, don’t much like dating as a sport, or that you’re even super-picky. What it means to her is that you’re undesirable or lazy or too boring to think of anything to do, unless you were maybe in a long-term relationship or two. Any moderately attractive girl of the right age who tries can wrangle a few dates a month, so why is it so hard for you, you loser?
The Fix: Get out and date some, at least for practice, so you don’t end up turning the right girl into only wasted practice. Otherwise lie/omit info about your dating frequency. Really, it might not even come up, especially if you don’t blab.
4. Be easily flummoxed and incapable of piecing together a coherent sentence. On a date, the inability to express yourself or talk in an interesting way could be a problem. You’ll seem insecure and dumb. Your date might be super hot or not much of a talker, so you might feel overwhelmed.
The Fix: Take a speech class. Bone up on a few topics. Be calm. Most of all, find good questions to ask, then let her talk.”
As the old man started on number 5, he began fading, the mountain disappeared, and I awoke with the recognition that these problems were all my own and ones I’ve faced before and must learn to control in order to be a non-freak, for this is what I wish to be. Maybe I’ll dream again tonight of newer better wisdom. Or perhaps a petite brunette (or redhead or blonde) with strawberry lips and eyes of fire…
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