THE DOMESTICATED BACHELOR

Swedish Chef. Bork

by Jonathan Bork Bork Perry

So, I’ve put a moratorium on the baking and cooking.  I was pleased with myself to finally be making non-sandwich food.  I’d done it before, just not so compulsively and not in a long while.  But here’s the conundrum:  Extra cooking means more eating and less weight loss.  My remedial chef skills are coming around (sort of) and it’s great to eat tasty junk you’ve made yourself.  However, this generally means fixing a dish or pan or something that might serve a hockey team, but I live alone, so I end up eating brownies for several days.  Or cake.  Or peach cobbler a la mode (All from boxes.  Don’t get too excited, mom.).

Now, I really have been trying to lose weight.  Between April and June, I lost 20 pounds.

Berry Cobbler-July 12

So far, I’ve lost 30 pounds, as of today, actually, but based on my earlier trajectory I should have lost 50 pounds by now (I know it slows down as you get closer, but whatever). I started this whole kitchen self-improvement/domestication thing with the aforementioned baked goods as well as cooking falafel, pasta, and eggs, but it’s totally messed up my well-designed weight-loss plan.  Certainly I could freeze things or refrigerate them, but eh.  The stuff’s there calling my name.  I must answer, if only for research.

Cake-June 14. Went bad b4 I could eat it all

For years, I’ve eaten microwaveable meals from the likes of Weight Watchers or Lean Cuisine, even though I haven’t been in those diet programs (grocery stores carry the dinners). I still eat them regularly for maybe 25% of my meals. These portions are well-sized and usually fairly healthy. I generally eat well, with the huge exception of  desserts, especially chocolate.  I scarf that stuff down like a drowning person coming back up for air.  Still, I’ve even learned to control myself with the sugar stuff.

Falafel (not actually the batch I made)

So, what have I learned from all this?  I’ve learned to pace myself with the cooking and baking, to try cooking some more healthy foods (possibly inedible sounding stuff), to not be afraid to freeze things (I wasted a third of a cake because I didn’t freeze it), and that I should work on my self-control, especially when it comes to baked goods still warm and gooey from the oven.  Mmmm.  Oh, and maybe I could take some excess food to work and pawn it off on the coworkers, or something.  Doing these things should help me strike a balance between eating healthy and being the Swedish Chef.

non-magical brownies-June 27

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by Jonathan Biped Perry

Last summer. Jay's not that much taller. Maybe an inch or 2. He's wearing thicker shoes & perhaps standing on his toes.

I’m two years older than my brother Jay, but for the last several years people have assumed that he is the older brother.  At least since college.  It may be because he has a professional job where he has to wear a suit, however much he may try not to (when I wear suits to work people ask if I have a job interview and look at me suspiciously).  Jay may seem older because he’s more of an Alpha.  It may also be that he has a wife and a son, whereas I have cupboards full of chocolate and still talk about getting a rock band together.  But it is possible that people think he’s older because he looks older.  His hairline has receded more than mine (though he still has a fine head of hair) and I’m not sure that he’s discovered the magic (or vanity) of facial exfoliation and moisturizer (I only use a little.  I’m not too weird.).

Last Christmas Jay and his family and I vacationed together in CA to see our living ancestors and random members of the family tree.  After a Christmas church service, a man I was talking to made a reference to my father visiting with me.  He was actually talking about my younger brother Jay standing right behind me!  I couldn’t believe it.  How excellent is this?  I suspect that the old chap had poor vision or there were strange shadows across Jay’s face that aged him 30 years, or maybe he just misspoke, but it was still wild to hear!  At least for me.  Jay wasn’t so keen.  This will certainly be one of those annoying things I’ll bring up for decades to come.  “Jay, remember that Christmas when the guy thought you were my dad?  That was awesome!”

For years when we were growing up people often thought Jay and I were twins, though it may have been mostly because they were only seeing us from a distance and maybe the twin talk was more in a fraternal twin sort of way.  I could see that.  We do look a lot alike.  But having my younger brother mistaken for my father is killer and I don’t suppose I’ll ever let Jay live that one down.  Now, if I can only get people to think my youngest brother Chris is my mom, that would be swell.

Have you had weird experiences like this?

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My favorite video blogger and girl next door, Brigitte Dale, ponders ‘e-stalking‘ (aka Google-Stalking) as a way to find the goods on your upcoming date.  As a paranoid person, she supports e-stalking, while the last issue of Wired magazine is against it.  This is similar to my article, Google-Stalking The Ex, except she’s talking about the first date and not the ex.  See her video below, then read my article like 5 times, if only to inflate the number of hits to my site.  Thanks.  (I’m kidding.  You’d have to actually reload the page 5 times for there to be 5 hits, so you might as well read 5 different articles.  Or just click through all 77 posts.)

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