Over the last few months I’ve enumerated how to become a Domesticated Bachelor (even though I’m not one). In trying to improve myself, I’ve discovered some key things that might help me to be a better man or at least quantify my failure. The following links explore these steps to becoming a Domesticated Bachelor. I’ve made this handy guide and gathered them together in one master list for your convenience, joy, and mockery. Click each link for deeper exploration.
First, what is a Domesticated Bachelor? Here we define our boy, the Domesticated Bachelor, and give his fake Latin name.
1. The Bachelor Pad-Obtain a nice abode to which you can invite people. Maybe a woman-type person (not really a hermaphrodite, unless you really want to).
2. The Right Wardrobe-Wear non-tent-like clothes. Lounge jackets. Suits. Wooden shoes. Red dickies. Dress well. Look nice.
3. Shape Up Fatty-Don’t be fat or unhealty. Be well groomed. Increase your self-esteem. Get a Slim Goodbody suit. White-person afro is optional.
4. Learn To Cook-Make omelettes. Feed yourself. Feed others. Don’t date your mom.
5. Travel The World-Travel the world for the obnoxious stories. Impress people, you jerk. Oh, maybe test travel with a ladyfriend (separate hotel rooms, of course).
6. Be A Jack-Of-All-Trades-Be decent at lots of stuff. Become a contestant on Jeopardy! Be a Smart Alec.
7. Master Something-Be really good at one thing. Maybe get a Masters Degree. Figure out where that apostrophe goes. Then tell me.
8. & 9. Proper Socialization/Throw Parties-Avoid becoming a hermit like Ted Kaczynski. It’s good to know people & meet them & entertain them. Don’t kill them. Bad goat.
10. Collect The Right Toys-Find the things that use up your time & decorate your place. Buy huge electronics through Skymall.
11. Get A Good Job-The super job enables the life & the stuff & the self-worth. The other stuff feeds from this.
The secret word is dominion.
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