The Domesticated Bachelor

by Jonathan B. Perry

Over the last few months I’ve enumerated how to become a Domesticated Bachelor (even though I’m not one).  In trying to improve myself, I’ve discovered some key things that might help me to be a better man or at least quantify my failure.  The following links explore these steps to becoming a Domesticated Bachelor.  I’ve made this handy guide and gathered them together in one master list for your convenience, joy, and mockery.  Click each link for deeper exploration.

First, what is a Domesticated Bachelor? Here we define our boy, the Domesticated Bachelor, and give his fake Latin name.

The Steps:
1.  The Bachelor Pad-Obtain a nice abode to which you can invite people.  Maybe a woman-type person (not really a hermaphrodite, unless you really want to).

2.  The Right Wardrobe-Wear non-tent-like clothes.  Lounge jackets.  Suits.  Wooden shoes.  Red dickies.  Dress well.  Look nice.

3.  Shape Up Fatty-Don’t be fat or unhealty.  Be well groomed.  Increase your self-esteem.  Get a Slim Goodbody suit.  White-person afro is optional.

4.  Learn To Cook-Make omelettes.  Feed yourself.  Feed others.  Don’t date your mom.

5.  Travel The World-Travel the world for the obnoxious stories.  Impress people, you jerk.  Oh, maybe test travel with a ladyfriend (separate hotel rooms, of course).

6.  Be A Jack-Of-All-Trades-Be decent at lots of stuff.  Become a contestant on Jeopardy!  Be a Smart Alec.

7.  Master Something-Be really good at one thing.  Maybe get a Masters Degree.  Figure out where that apostrophe goes.  Then tell me.

8. & 9.  Proper Socialization/Throw Parties-Avoid becoming a hermit like Ted Kaczynski.  It’s good to know people & meet them & entertain them.  Don’t kill them.  Bad goat.

10.  Collect The Right Toys-Find the things that use up your time & decorate your place.  Buy huge electronics through Skymall.

11.  Get A Good Job-The super job enables the life & the stuff & the self-worth.  The other stuff feeds from this.

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