Holiday chocolate is one of those bad seasonal diversions that’s totally awesome and has definitely contributed to my girthiness. Special holiday candies start invading the stores as early as August to get an early jump for Halloween. Halloween is probably the one time where you can get away with buying lots of candy without being stared at like you’re a dude who just bought an issue of Seventeen Magazine. It’s always assumed that you’ll generously give away the candy to charmingly dressed trick-or-treaters in the annual ritual gorge fest. In the ten years I lived in my basement apartment, I never once had a child dare to come down for treats. It’s possible no one noticed there’s an apartment down there, but I suspect that if they were aware of it, they were likely daunted by the inherent spookiness caused by a shadowy subterranean porch whose retaining wall threatened to instantly crush any foolish young candy-beggar. That’s fine. More chocolate for me.
Even pre-Halloweenery, the glorious Christmas chocolate collective starts lurking on the edges of the undisplayed, anxious for the day after Halloween to take over the world for its two month reign of tastiness. I suppose buying chocolate as stocking stuffers is as good an excuse as any. I usually find plenty of varieties to sample. Right after Christmas comes that sad Valentine’s Day candy for the tacky romantics which really only serves as a brief lead-in for the fantastic Easter candy. This brings us all the way through April, which is, coincidentally, when I start losing weight each year. At this point in my life, I don’t have to wait for and rely on my parents to supply me with a one-time gifting of seasonal candy, which is too bad, since now it seems to be almost on i.v.. These days, I stock up on the Christmas chocolate so that there’s usually enough left to hold me over until at least right after Valentine’s Day when the Easter stuff is at hand. Then, I stock up on the Easter candy, usually running out of it in May, or June if I’m particularly frugal.
I’m a little surprised candy companies haven’t figured a way to market for Mother’s Day, Memorial Day, Independence Day, and Labor Day. Out of these, it seems that Independence Day would be the easiest American holiday to exploit with chocolate, but this day is already held down by apple pie and homemade ice cream and it’s hot this time of year, so I suppose chocolate would just be something else to melt in your hands.
After work one day (circa March), I dropped by Target to buy Easter chocolate (By the way, Have you ever noticed that most of the employees at Target are attractive young women between the ages of 17 and 25? I find this to be an excellent reason to shop there. At WalMart you might only save money. The KMarts in our area have all been closed according to the natural order of things.). At Target I bought Reese’s Peanut Butter Eggs, Cadbury Mini Eggs, Milky Way Crème Bunnies, and Dove Truffle Eggs, which happen to be my seasonal favorites. I knew there was something else non-chocolate on the list, but couldn’t think of it. Still, I forced myself to buy a few non-chocolate items if only so that I didn’t seem like an unbalanced chocolate perv: facial cleanser (for chocolate induced acne) and a St. Patrick’s Day card which probably went out to my cousin Dan as a birthday card. That’s another un-chocolated holiday, St. Patrick’s Day, but it’s already the high holiday for alcoholism, so it’s good we don’t overburden it with more addictions. What would a St. Patrick’s Day candy be like anyway? Leprechaun-shaped chocolates filled with chocolate liquor? Irish whiskey filled chocolate Shamrocks colored green?
I miss the Easter baskets we had as kids. Our parents filled the colorful wicker containers with loads of deadly chocolate items which we would wake up to on Easter morning. It was kind of a constraint dare. All this chocolate at a child’s disposal was supposed to be spread out for at least a few days. We were even told this as if it had real meaning. If you think about it, this is just like getting chocolate in your stocking on Christmas morning, but set 3 months later in the spring when there aren‘t so many gifts to weaken the chocolate impact. Not to mention that you’d be eating tons of hard-boiled eggs and, for people not in my family, ham. A very healthy holiday. Secretly, I feel the candy industry must work hand-in-hand with the diabetes industry, the reflux gang, dentists, and the weight-loss cabal, but understand that it’s only business and don’t mind playing along to some degree, especially since I‘m addicted, perhaps genetically. This just leaves me as chunky as ever, which is depressing. But you know what’s good for depression? Chocolate.
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Men Without Cats
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