A Domesticated Bachelor has plenty of swell toys that are both useful and/or attractive and possibly purchased through SkyMall. These wondrous devices will serve to cram your home with shiny joy and blinky functionality, entertaining you and your bored guests for days, perhaps hours on end. Certainly, filling your empty life with deep deep meaning.
1. Car– Of course, you must start off your acquisitions right by getting a shiny motor vehicle that suits your style and with which you can fashionably crash into a tree. Nothing says domestication like a nicely totaled car. Go and buy yourself a fine GPS for that stylishly crashed auto of yours so you can see which way you should have gone. My car actually looks like an old man’s car, possibly one my grandparents might own, and my friend Darrin teases me about it, but it‘s really the nicest car I‘ve had. Perhaps one day I‘ll get something sportier and more obnoxiously mid-life crisis like his. Yeah, take that Darrin.
2. TV Stuff (Entertainment Center)– Build up your entertainment center with an expensive, yet breakable flat screen Hi-Def television, viewable from only one angle. Get the surround sound system so you can freak out your cat with all the spastic directional sound. Add a DVD and a TiVo for good measure.
3. Stereo– Find yourself a dandy stereo system (hi-fi) that works well with hearing aids so you can entertain your grandparents with Metallica or the Beastie Boys (your grandparents will be over a lot to borrow your car). If it has an attachment for your iPod, you‘re golden. Find a turntable for your parents’ old records and maybe get some of those classic Bossa Nova albums that really define the bachelor pad genre. If you reach 8-track, you’ve gone too far.
4. Phone– Buy a Blackberry or an iPhone. See if I care. You’ll need to be able to text your mom hourly or have something to goof around with while on important business calls (and for driving into trees). Upgrade these things regularly.
5. Games– Rock a sweet gaming system (Wii, Xbox, whatever the other one is called) or a billiard table so you can get nothing done ever into the wee hours. Maybe find a fancy dart board and post a photo of your boss on it (my boss is great, so it’d be someone else’s boss).
6. Tools– It’s also important to acquire handyman equipment to decorate your garage impressively. Nothing says ‘handyman’ like a full tool cabinet. And it impresses the ladies. Get your cutting, drilling, screwing, banging stuff ready for those workshop days that will never really happen because you‘re playing games and watching tv.
If you have friends, which I have in the past, bring them over to use your gadgets. Show off those doohickeys. Drag out the time machine. Change some college dating choices. In this way you can also become influential in your group because your friends will develop techno-lust and see you as the gatekeeper to tech-Narnia or something. They’ll seek you out for advice on such purchases and you may attain a certain guru status, just as my brother and his wife have for me with their endless knowledge and supply of mindless doodads.
Yes, the more useless stuff you own, the more hipster points you’ll gain and the more domesticated you’ll grow to be. You may be poorer, but at least you‘ve done your part to support the fragile economy. And that’s really giving back. If nothing else, these items will keep you busy and ensure that you remain a bachelor for a good long time.