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11 Steps To Becoming A Domesticated Bachelor: #5. TRAVEL THE WORLD

Family of Bachelors in London

Family of Bachelors in London

by Jonathan B. Perry
Traveling the world is a key ingredient in that domesticated bachelor soufflé.  Not only do you get to stuff a fanny pack of experiences under your belt, but you gain fantastically obnoxious stories to share at your bachelor dinner parties.  Even if your trips were miserable or dull as mud and you never want to go back to Anglodutchistankong again, you can at least say you’ve traveled the world and then milk that for a while.  This will gain you great favor with the mortals, increasing your level of domestication, and you can proudly proclaim that information on your Facebook page: “Jonathan is drinking goatmilkshakes with the Sherpas and telling jokes in Nepalese before hitting Everest‘s summit.  If only Tenzing would quit farting in the tent!  LOL!

Women like to size up a potential traveling companion and can best do it when they know you‘ve traveled, so be sure to talk about it a lot.  For instance, if I was really shameless and wanted to present my travel resume, I’d yammer on about my trips to Taiwan, Germany, Austria, the Czech Republic, Great Britain, Wales, and Scotland.  And maybe Japan, if I was feeling especially cocky, although I never left the Osaka airport either time.  Also, I was only in Austria for the afternoon.  Of course, these ladies will want an idea of what sort of stuff you can handle, so it might be good to limit the complaining in your stories and pay special attention to the good stuff.

travel-romanceThen, talk about your future travel ambitions.  Work into the conversation that you want to walk the length of the Great Wall to demonstrate the courage of man or paint the big weird statues on Easter Island.  This might be attractive to a potential mate because she’ll think, “If I’m with him, we’ll travel the world together.”  *sigh*.  Don’t be too distracted by the virtuous virtues of travel.  The douchey do-gooders will say that travel is important for understanding the world and getting along with other cultures, blah blah blah UN blah blah, but really it’s good for fun experiences, seeing pretty things, and self-aggrandizement. And meeting women. Date-traveling might be interesting.

If you really like to travel, you might consider test traveling with a special lady (with separate rooms, of course).  Traveling with the bachelor cousins and uncles is great, but it’s time to try something new.  Test out your potential long-term traveling companion and see whether you’d do well as co-travelers or just drive each other batty.  Some women travel well, while others just whine well (guys too).  Traveling together is like experiencing a relationship in a concentrated form before you’ve added water.  Or something.  This testing tool is best manifested in the tv show The Amazing Race.  There’s lots of travel pressure on The Amazing Race with mental and physical competitions tied into the timed premise.  Couples find out all the time that they suck together under fire.  Then again, many of those couples grow stronger, overcoming the stresses or realizing they should just never go back to the Sahara for an archeological dig during the summer.

taiwan-travel-3

If you learn a language for or on your trip, your hipness is enhanced manifold.  If you spend a year or more in another country, you’ll come closest to godhood and will forevermore be an expert in several semi-unrelated, though equally obnoxious, areas.  If you haven’t already, you might even meet a special lady-friend while there (this is how my brother met his wife).  Of course, you may only get blisters, but even that’s a story.  And you just copied my trip to Germany.

Step # 4.  Learn to Cook

Step # 3.  Shape Up, Fatty

Step # 2.  The Right Wardrobe

Step # 1.  The Bachelor Pad

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7 Responses to “11 Steps To Becoming A Domesticated Bachelor: #5. TRAVEL THE WORLD”

  • Johanna:

    I agree with the bits about “it’s good for fun experiences, seeing pretty things, and self-aggrandizement. And meeting women.” Though i will pass on the women bit. :-) Went to Europe last summer with George, just because it was there.

    I don’t like the pressure, I like the laziness of travel, riding public transportation, eating weird and random things, and wandering to and fro. I prefer to avoid the more reformed exact methods of travel that agencies provide. I would rather be stuck on a Czech metro smelling a locals armpit then stuck on a tour bus with a whole bunch of crazy Americans.

    On that special note…George’s armpits smell marvelous in case anyone wants to know.

    I hate whiners! While traveling I heard several whiners, particularly Americans. I felt like telling them to chill, enjoy. So what if they missed the train and had to catch the next train, enjoy. A true traveler must enjoy any weird change to ones schedule and take in stride. The universe will not end and one may even end up on a grander adventure! Revel in the then, you will never be caught in that exact moment ever again.

  • admin:

    I’m sure George’s underarms smell lovely. Flower petally even.

  • Jay:

    Yeah, my travel philosophy has always been that the place itself is what we’re there to see. So when Kendra and I were in Rome for a week, we only paid to get into one place – the Vatican. The rest of the time we just spent walking around looking at history, enjoying the culture, eating gellato, peering through fences at ancient ruins, looking at sculptures, and deciphering secret messages inside cathedrals.

    One can get very (VERY) disappointed if the agenda is too packed (Liverpool, the Cotswolds, Straford upon Avon, and Warwick castle? all in one day? are we crazy?).

  • admin:

    When you wrote ‘peering through fences ‘ I totally read ‘peeing through fences’. I think I was thinking a little of your descriptions of Italy’s alleyways.

    Sometimes it’s nice to take it easy on one of these trips or at least mix in some slow days. My trips with Uncle John & the cousins were usually quite full. Sometimes it might have been too packed, but often I was glad to squeeze in as much as possible. As long as it wasn’t too overwhelming. I might only make it to this place once.

  • P.M.Chin:

    Probably helps to do some research before you get to some of these exotic locales so you know what you don’t want to miss when you are there. Like peeing through fences.

  • admin:

    Yes, lots of research. I usually read 2 travel books on the area before I go.
    Also, no peeing on electric fences.