by Jonathan B. Perry
Traveling the world is a key ingredient in that domesticated bachelor soufflé. Not only do you get to stuff a fanny pack of experiences under your belt, but you gain fantastically obnoxious stories to share at your bachelor dinner parties. Even if your trips were miserable or dull as mud and you never want to go back to Anglodutchistankong again, you can at least say you’ve traveled the world and then milk that for a while. This will gain you great favor with the mortals, increasing your level of domestication, and you can proudly proclaim that information on your Facebook page: “Jonathan is drinking goatmilkshakes with the Sherpas and telling jokes in Nepalese before hitting Everest‘s summit. If only Tenzing would quit farting in the tent! LOL!“
Women like to size up a potential traveling companion and can best do it when they know you‘ve traveled, so be sure to talk about it a lot. For instance, if I was really shameless and wanted to present my travel resume, I’d yammer on about my trips to Taiwan, Germany, Austria, the Czech Republic, Great Britain, Wales, and Scotland. And maybe Japan, if I was feeling especially cocky, although I never left the Osaka airport either time. Also, I was only in Austria for the afternoon. Of course, these ladies will want an idea of what sort of stuff you can handle, so it might be good to limit the complaining in your stories and pay special attention to the good stuff.
Then, talk about your future travel ambitions. Work into the conversation that you want to walk the length of the Great Wall to demonstrate the courage of man or paint the big weird statues on Easter Island. This might be attractive to a potential mate because she’ll think, “If I’m with him, we’ll travel the world together.” *sigh*. Don’t be too distracted by the virtuous virtues of travel. The douchey do-gooders will say that travel is important for understanding the world and getting along with other cultures, blah blah blah UN blah blah, but really it’s good for fun experiences, seeing pretty things, and self-aggrandizement. And meeting women. Date-traveling might be interesting.
If you really like to travel, you might consider test traveling with a special lady (with separate rooms, of course). Traveling with the bachelor cousins and uncles is great, but it’s time to try something new. Test out your potential long-term traveling companion and see whether you’d do well as co-travelers or just drive each other batty. Some women travel well, while others just whine well (guys too). Traveling together is like experiencing a relationship in a concentrated form before you’ve added water. Or something. This testing tool is best manifested in the tv show The Amazing Race. There’s lots of travel pressure on The Amazing Race with mental and physical competitions tied into the timed premise. Couples find out all the time that they suck together under fire. Then again, many of those couples grow stronger, overcoming the stresses or realizing they should just never go back to the Sahara for an archeological dig during the summer.
If you learn a language for or on your trip, your hipness is enhanced manifold. If you spend a year or more in another country, you’ll come closest to godhood and will forevermore be an expert in several semi-unrelated, though equally obnoxious, areas. If you haven’t already, you might even meet a special lady-friend while there (this is how my brother met his wife). Of course, you may only get blisters, but even that’s a story. And you just copied my trip to Germany.