Archive for March 2009
Children, Braid Your Nosehairs
A while back I was having a fascinating online conversation with my college friend Roland, who was teaching his fourth or fifth year of English in Taiwan as an excuse to avoid using his French Education degree or perhaps to avoid his family and friends in the states. He said he was thinking about coming back to the US, but didn’t know what he would do for work. I suggested he teach French to panhandlers and take a percentage of their tax-free panhandling (and perhaps inform them of the many great unemployment benefits that await them in France). It didn’t sway him. Then, out of the blue, Roland asked me if I trim my nose hairs. This was an abnormal question, although he is of French heritage. Anyway, it was a timely question since I had actually just started trimming my nose hairs in the last year or so.
I think nasal hair awareness month came shortly after my 30th birthday, when, in a fit of winter breathing, icicles attached to my snout like dangly Christmas ornaments. It seems odd that I’ve had to cut the hair on the top of my head for the last couple of decades, but only just now have the option to braid and/or color my nostril hair. I’m thinking I won’t color it green. Or red. That’s just me, though. Do whatever works for you.
Fortunately, Roland had the same affliction and we now have a special bond. (Just to be confusing, Roland is back in the states and no longer teaches French and English to the unsuspecting children of Taipei. Now he’ll never get the chance to sneak in an instructional course in nostril hair braiding. In French.)
Oh, were you looking for bachelor relevance? Let’s say aging and grooming. Yeah, I’ll tag those.
Related Reads
No Mom, I’m NOT Gay
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Depressant Drug For The Annoyingly Cheerful
I’ve been maniacally chipper of late and I apologize deeply to those whom I might have offended. It’s most unseemly and I start saying really stupid and/or happy things. More regularly. As penance, I hope you’ll accept this short video with a possible solution to my problem.
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A Bachelor Study
Last year I found this interesting report on single men and how they Prefer Being Single Over Marrying the Wrong Person. Besides seeking perfection, the results showed men with low self-esteem issues, and those with little money, felt they had little to offer a spouse. Also, there was a fear of divorce. The report further noted that many bachelors found contentment in their single lives and didn’t constantly stress about coupling. The study facilitator even suggests single women be more patient with the lumbering oafs. It’s an interesting study.
Spring has barely begun, already bringing thunderstorms through my area of Nebraska and taking some tornado action with it. Missed us this time. Happy Spring!
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Bachelors In History
by Jonathan B. Perry
While being a bachelor often means spending lots of quality time alone with Ramen Noodles in your underwear in front of the TV (the noodles shouldn’t be in your underwear), in one sense the bachelor is never alone. Where there’s one bachelor there are several bachelors, much like rodent infestations in your neighbor’s house. I don’t mean to say that the bachelors have been cloned or that they flock together in communal groups reveling in their singleness (though monks and frat guys do), nor do I mean to point out the bachelorhood of non-straight men gathered on Fire Island for high festival (some aren‘t bachelors anyway), but rather that there are legions of bachelors today, as there have been throughout the ages and ever will be.
The ancient Egyptian royals fared well because those lucky bachelor pharaohs always had the option of marrying a sister or mother or both, and anyway it helped keep the bloodlines pure, sometimes even providing extra toes for better statues (European royalty had their cousins instead). Outside of some lurid Greek wrestlemania action, you don’t hear or read much about bachelors in ancient history. Take the Bible, for example. Much of the biographical information lists such things as “Bob begat Fred.” and “Fred begat Steve, then Fred died.“. Because of the specialness of lineage, the non-begatters are rarely seen.
For instance, do you know much about your Great-Great-Great Uncle Franklin? Probably not. He was a festive single dude and, once a generation or two had passed, was pretty well forgotten except for maybe as a dead-end branch on your family tree. If you don’t maintain a family tree or if the people in your family are grunters, then it’s as if Uncle Franklin never existed. So it was in days of old. It’s very sad. Franklin might have been a dancing machine who lit up a room, played a mean fiddle, and built his own log cabin, but unless Laura Ingalls Wilder wrote about him, he’s lost to history and memory. Poor Uncle Franklin.
I’m not suggesting going out and getting a family so you can be written about, not just because lots of familied people have been forgotten too, but also because being remembered isn’t an excuse to mate. Not a good one. But take heart. There have been plenty of bachelors through history that have wormed their way into history. Probably the most famous bachelor, Jesus, seems to have really left his mark and won’t soon be forgotten, not that his fame could be easily matched. It’s always useful to have dedicated biographers or to be God. As a side note I will subversively mention the speculation that Jesus and Mary Magdalene might have been married, potentially weakening the case for worthy bachelordom, though this marriage theory is partly from the highly questionable writings of the Apocrypha, and the theory that Jesus had children by Mary is more of a fun conspiracy theorist’s tale, most famously promulgated by The DaVinci Code.
One other Biblical bachelor of note is Paul, as in ’St. Paul’, though there have also been theories that he was perhaps struggling with his sexuality and only stayed single to avoid the issue, but I’m sure that’s just Hollywood gossip and bizarrely tantalizing scriptural/watercooler interpretation (see 1 Corinthians 7).
The secret fake word is familied.
Related Reading:
Famous Historical Bachelors-A List
Bachelor Profiles: Vincent Van Gogh
Bachelor Profiles: Sherlock Holmes
Bachelor Profiles: Mad King Ludwig
Bachelor Profiles: The Bachelor President
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11 Steps To Becoming A Domesticated Bachelor: #7. Master Something
by Jonathan B. Perry
In the previous step we discussed how being a Jack of All Trades plays well in the quest to become a Domesticated Bachelor, and possibly getting you on Jeopardy!. It can be kind of fun fiddling around in all those different areas, having a good time, broadening your horizons, though only slightly because you have ADD. But there comes a time for buckling down. Hitting the bricks. Getting serious. Beyond being a Jack of All Trades is becoming a Master of Something. If you really spend the time and hone your skills for your own personal satisfaction, and because I told you to, you‘ll find yourself mastering wonderful things and even yourself. I totally just sounded like a bad self-help book. Hoarding knowledge is swell!
Master something by getting a Master’s Degree! See how that worked? Mastery through a Master’s. The lower level degree is, of
course, the Bachelor’s Degree. Yeah, it’s only a little insulting. There’s not even a Bachelorette’s Degree, let alone a Spinster’s Certification (there actually might be for people who use spindles). Anyway, you don’t necessarily need a degree to be masterful and full of mastery. Boy Scouts get patches all the time for honing their camping and Greco-Roman wrestling in the woods skills. You might enjoy practicing your mastered specialty as a trade, like popsicle stick cuckoo clock making or faux llama sweater knitting. Open a shop…in Estes Park. Hire some good-looking shopkeepers. Date them. Be sued for harassment. File bankruptcy. Retrain. Master something else.
If you’re already fairly good at woodworking, improve your skills by taking night classes in ironic bookcase building while dressed as Zorro (he makes the sign of disease). Becoming an expert in a subject is

My brother Jay used to make God's Eyes
rewarding, apparently (not that I would know). If you’ve hoarded a lot of knowledge about a subject, you can discuss it at length in an interesting way and people might want to hear what you have to say or ask your advice about it. Or they might stone you, so you may need to know when to hold your tongue, in which case speech or dodgeball classes might come in handy. Or if you make things, you might make special gifts for others, to buy them off: chain mail or God’s Eyes. Even build brick furniture or a ship’s deck for your patio. Or a tree house. Ooh, a tree house!
So, go master something. Or not.
Read the first 6 steps:
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GOOGLE-Stalking the Ex
by Jonathan B. Perry
So, I ‘Googled’ my ex-girlfriend from college, which isn’t as dirty as it sounds, but still feels a little like stalking. For those who have just emerged from a decade in caves and nuclear fallout shelters, ‘Googling’ means to search the vast bowels of the internet for information about pretty much anything, including curry recipes, British slang, very specific fetish sites, and even ex-girlfriends (hopefully none of these searches are related). I’ve only Googled my ex-girlfriend a few times, mostly when feelings of slight desperation couple with reminiscent musings. Actually, that sounds a bit tragic, so let‘s just go with curiosity for 500, Alex.
Well, it so happens her work phone number is listed with the Google search results (stalking is so easy these days) and I had this disturbing desire to call her in the middle of the day to chew the fat, but I would probably just have an awkward conversation with her secretary. What would I say anyway? I’d start with the easy stuff: how she’s been these last 10 years (the ex, not the secretary). Then I’d want to know things that are awkward to ask: if she’s dating or married, if she has children, and why we really broke up (which I would probably never ask or want to know), besides the fact that our relationship became long distance at the end.
Then, of course, the conversation would come back to me and she’d find out all the stuff I’m embarrassed about: I worked at the same hated job for several years before recently advancing ever so slightly, I’ve gotten chunky on chocolate ice cream, until last year I lived in the same dank apartment for a decade, and have hang-ups about going to doctors to whom I‘m not related. On the upside I could sneak into the conversation swell stuff, like that I just bought a house, I’ve had fun visits to Europe and Asia, I’ve written two books (both unpublished, of course), and have two charming nephews and an adorable niece, as if I had anything to do with that. I’ve even gone through little scenarios of conversations we might have and how delightfully awkward it might be to act out in regional theater and it all seems wonderfully sad and pathetic. Yay. What fun. Time to call the therapist.
Just so I feel better about myself and possibly less like a stalker, I think it would be swell if you, dear reader, were to go stalk… I mean ‘Google‘… your exes and report back. You know you want to.
The secret phrase is nuclear fallout shelter.
Related Reading:
Celebrity Crushes: The Girl Next Door
Celebrity Crushes: Is Elegance Elitist?
Sound Of Music Death Match!! Liesl v Maria
Which Is Your Type? A Pseudo-Cosmo Quiz
Family Advice: A Reversal (S0rt Of)
Changing Your Relationship Status On A Social-Networking Site
Will Your Siblings Use Up The Good Names?
Logan’s Run and Population Control
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Over 50,000 Served!

Over 50,000 hits now! In just 5 weeks. That’s pretty groovy. I’ll try to contain myself until 75k or 100k is reached, but there are no promises.
Just now Bridget Jones’s Diary is on tv (apparently on Women’s Entertainment, not that I’m really watching it or anything being a guy and all. A straight guy.) and there was a cool scene about Bridget going solo to a dinner party with smug couples. It fits in well with the post on Couples vs Singles, even though Bridget‘s female. Lo and behold, the clip is on YouTube. So, um, watch it. And think about rugby, if it helps.
(As a side note, it occurs to me that Colin Firth plays guys with the the last name Darcy in both this movie and one of the Jane Austen movies. Is that Pride and Prejudice? Yeah, I have to go repair something now.)
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The Domesticated Bachelor Store

My goofy brother Jay has been helping me a lot with blog tech stuff and, on the sly, set up this store, The Domesticated Bachelor Store. Big surprise! It has all kinds of bachelor weirdness for sale: shirts, mugs, hats, sweatshirts, pins, jackets, and bags. Even dog t-shirts (the no cat art isn’t really anti-cat, it just references the Men Without Cats post, but it works on levels.). Sure, it’s a little weird shilling stuff, but I’m getting used to the idea. So, take a look at our shop and get your Domesticated Bachelor gear here.
Show the world you’re domesticated or that you hate cats or whatever. Or get it for your lonely single brother who’s afraid of commitment or getting cooties. I’m sure I’ll overcome my discomfort some day.
What is a Domesticated Bachelor?
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Guyland
A few months ago I found this article on Newsweek‘s website with an interesting take on bachelors and why they stay single longer (read it here). The book that’s mentioned, Guyland by sociologist Michael Kimmel, posits that men are increasingly delaying adulthood for several reasons. I may have to read the book just to mess with my head and stuff. Read the article.
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by Jonathan B. Perry
by Jonathan B. Perry
should have done my part to help repopulate the empty planet nearly a decade ago. I have friends who started having kids right out of high school and now those kids are already in high school and this makes me feel old (and it also reminds me that the friends might be a little rednecky). If I ever do have children, which brings up another problem, I may be stuck with the names Rocky and Dennis, which alone are two good reasons for not reproducing. Apparently, I need to get with the program and post my classified ad. Fortunately, I only have 2 siblings and not 12. Also, if my younger brothers ever hurry up and get those vasectomies, then we can have this child name discussion without any problems, though I suspect the interest level will be lower by then.
by Jonathan B. Perry

With the weekend here, lots of people are pushing into restaurants and theaters as they join the dating frenzy. Maybe some of you freaks are even going out, doing date stuff. Dinner and a movie have always been a fine standby date combo. Really it’s the person you’re dating that makes the date great, so it shouldn‘t matter what you do. Right? You need to eat anyway and who doesn’t like to watch movies? But there’s always this underlying challenge to outdo yourself and others by going on a cool date. A cool date might be you and your date doing something a little different from the dinner and a movie routine. It’s always a little gratifying to have a successful cool date where you and your girl get dinner at a raw food restaurant, then take in the 
by Jonathan B. Perry


