THE DOMESTICATED BACHELOR

by Jonathan B. Perry

A while back I was having a fascinating online conversation with my college friend Roland, who was teaching his fourth or fifth year of English in Taiwan as an excuse to avoid using his French Education degree or perhaps to avoid his family and friends in the states. He said he was thinking about coming back to the US, but didn’t know what he would do for work. I suggested he teach French to panhandlers and take a percentage of their tax-free panhandling (and perhaps inform them of the many great unemployment benefits that await them in France). It didn’t sway him. Then, out of the blue, Roland asked me if I trim my nose hairs. This was an abnormal question, although he is of French heritage. Anyway, it was a timely question since I had actually just started trimming my nose hairs in the last year or so.

I think nasal hair awareness month came shortly after my 30th birthday, when, in a fit of winter breathing, icicles attached to my snout like dangly Christmas ornaments. It seems odd that I’ve had to cut the hair on the top of my head for the last couple of decades, but only just now have the option to braid and/or color my nostril hair. I’m thinking I won’t color it green. Or red. That’s just me, though. Do whatever works for you.

Fortunately, Roland had the same affliction and we now have a special bond.  (Just to be confusing, Roland is back in the states and no longer teaches French and English to the unsuspecting children of Taipei. Now he’ll never get the chance to sneak in an instructional course in nostril hair braiding. In French.)

Oh, were you looking for bachelor relevance? Let’s say aging and grooming. Yeah, I’ll tag those.

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I’ve been maniacally chipper of late and I apologize deeply to those whom I might have offended.  It’s most unseemly and I start saying really stupid and/or happy things.  More regularly.  As penance, I hope you’ll accept this short video with a possible solution to my problem.



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by Jonathan B. Perry

Some people, myself included, are fine with spending all their free time alone without seeing other humans for days and days. What peace.  But like the guy stuck on the island alone for years who forgot how to speak his mother tongue, spending all your time alone will make you wild and incapable of properly socializing with other humans, possibly unable to ask out women (in case you ever had that down). It‘s said, ‘no man is an island‘. It is, therefore, useful to maintain a circle of friends with whom you visit and pal around and who don‘t quote stuff like ‘no man is an island‘.

In fact, if you’re particularly adventurous, you must take that further step toward socialization and enlarge your circle and go to those royal gatherings to which you’ve been invited or even host your own grand shindigs. Being sociable is good for happiness and longevity and is usually the only way to meet members of the opposite sex, unless you’re really into that whole online dating thing where you lock yourself up in front of your computer for weeks in order to woman shop. I suppose you could meet people at work or while grocery shopping at the farmers market for organic brie for fondue, but that might be weird. And a little random.

Throwing parties or dinners or shindigs (or grand hoohahs) is one of the peaks of domesticity. First, it proves you have friends willing to come over to your mess (congratulations), second, it can only be achieved if you have an appropriate place for people to visit (you rock!), and third, it exhibits your excellent hosting skills (umm…). Whether you host a small dinner party or a grand shindig, you’re out there saying “I am an interesting and responsible person, able to bring diversion and possibly joy to other humans. Also, I can trick people into liking me or at least pretending to like me long enough for me to get joy from it.” In this way you’ll become the cog of the culture wheel, moving things far beyond simple existentialism to a higher level of super-culture. Good for you. This is also a great time to try out some of those special edible experiments on your very own guinea pig guests who can promptly advise you to never cook that stuff again.

Have you hosted a dinner party?  Thrown a GRAND HOOHAH?  Tell us about it!

Read the first 7 steps:

#7. Master Something

#6. Be a Jack of All Trades

#5. Travel the World

#4. Learn to Cook

#3. Shape Up, Fatty

#2. The Right Wardrobe

#1. THE BACHELOR PAD

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