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Alpha Inventions: Speed Dating for Blogs
February 8, 2009 | 
Author 
This morning I posted my blog and notified my friends. Being the freak that I am, I soon checked my stats hoping for love from the gang (I’m not at all narcissistic). Instead, I saw something remarkable. I found 25 immediate hits for my page from alphainventions.com ! What? On their site I found that every 10-15 seconds was shown a different blog from around the world that had just updated. Watching the blogs roll by, I finally saw my own. Wow! I checked my stats again and another 25 hits had come in! Amazing. This all happened within 10 minutes. Not quite sure how it’s done (their site explains it), but I love it! One cool thing about it is you can sample lots of other interesting blogs in a very fast way. It’s almost like speed dating. For blogs. If you see one you like, you can select it, go out for dinner and a movie, and learn more. Or not. No hurt feelings. Good stuff.
Tenuously Related Reading:
Logan’s Run & Population Control
Sound Of Music Death Match!!! Liesl v Maria
Celebrity Crushes: The Girl Next Door
Which Is Your Type? A Pseudo-Cosmo Quiz
Subscribe to the Domesticated Bachelor through RSS or link to one of the buttons below! Do it!
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Bachelor Profiles: Mad King Ludwig
My Bachelor Pad
by Jonathan B Perry
In accordance with my own steps to becoming a Domesticated Bachelor edict, # 1 The Bachelor Pad, I bought a house in October. 
It’s my first house. The house is younger than I am with a new non-leaking roof and new furnace and a/c. I like it, especially the French doors and the yards, and I hope to do some minor remodeling and landscaping. Until recently, I lived several years in a run down basement apartment that flooded and whose retaining wall to the porch was crumbling. I dreaded a dark morning where I might wake up to find I’d become trapped in my subterranean tomb with a very limited supply of chocolate ice cream and cookies to carry me into the afterlife. I’m sure I have a photo of the wall somewhere, but can’t find it and don’t really want to creep around the property now to photograph it with my phone.
So far, the new house is a bit messy, not being quite unpacked, but no where near as dreadful as the old apartment. One of the benefits of maintaining a filthy place is that it keeps you from mistakenly inviting visitors over. No one wants to do that. Visitors will only make your house dirtier, consume your 
resources, and still judge your house/apartment regardless of how spic and span it is. I know this factually because I have friends that popped in at the most inopportune times, such as when I was moving the cat’s indoor sand volleyball court from the kitchen to the bathroom. Since then, the legend of my squalor has traveled the circuit of acquaintances and developed a fantastic mythology that has winged serpents crossing the threshold to hunt rabid country-city-suburb mice (which is quite nearly a falsehood). With the apartment all to yourself you can live free of the many encumbrances that might somehow cause you to forget to feed the cat who might die unfed while you’re entertaining judgmental guests. No one wants to risk the beast’s life for the sake of hospitality, unless you actually have a cat and are truly aware of its inherent evil (my cat is already dead, so that’s no longer an issue).
If you do happen to have friends, which I have in the past, you might find it easier to do your socializing at their residences. Often, first rate entertainment is provided and, depending on the friend, there may be pizza or casseroles involved. This is good because in addition to the free nourishment and socialization, you’ve avoided causing any excessive buildup of filth in your own quarters, instead causing it in the quarters of those who can either fix it or just don‘t care. In this way, you may be able to stave off moving for just a little longer without having to clean. Or get married. Vacations are also good to this end.
The secret word is subterranean.
Related Reading:
Bachelor Step #10: Collect the Right Toys
Bachelor Step #1: THE BACHELOR PAD
$15 Million Ultimate Bachelor Pad
Tenuously Related Reading:
Logan’s Run & Population Control
Sound Of Music Death Match!!! Liesl v Maria
Celebrity Crushes: The Girl Next Door
Which Is Your Type? A Pseudo-Cosmo Quiz
Subscribe to the Domesticated Bachelor through RSS or link to one of the buttons below! Do it!
$15 Million Ultimate Bachelor Pad
What to do with $15 million? Hmm. Build the Ultimate Bachelor Pad. Esquire did it because they could.
11 Steps to Becoming A Domesticated Bachelor: #1. The Bachelor Pad
by Jonathan B. Perry
Achieving bachelor domestication is akin to arriving at a sort of Nirvana or climbing to the top of an important ladder: corporate, Jacob’s, firetruck. It means you’ve grown up and are semi-functional; a sophisticated adult in spite of yourself. Plumbing the depths of my soul, I have discovered the 11 secret ingredients required to create a domesticated bachelor soufflé. Over the next few weeks we’ll explore those ingredients one by one. It’s more than just a recipe for bachelordom. It’s the key to the black Lamborghini of adult human culture.
1. The Bachelor Pad
Where there’s talk of bachelors, there are whispers of the bachelor pad. Visions of the smooth operator’s Bat Cave dance like sugar plums in the imagination. Lots of high-tech electronics with remote controls, round rotating beds, secret panels, and a wet bar usually figure into the collective picture. It’s a pretty expensive picture, but creating the right bachelor pad is essential to bachelor domestication. It’s where the mood is created, the man is recharged, and MTV’s ‘Cribs’ films stuff.
The pad is an extension of the bachelor, and where you live reflects your unique style and background, whether a condo, nouveau mud hut, ranch house, or an underground bunker where you may or may not die with Eva Braun. Of course, you’ll decorate this special haven according to your highly refined tastes: French provincial, gothic hunter, dojo wannabe, or packrat. The better your pad, the more relaxed you’ll become and the better you’ll feel about that whole being alive as a non-loser thing.
It becomes easier to invite friends over if you have a clean and attractive place that doesn’t stink of feet and mold. In fact, if you’re particularly chuffed about your man pad (that sounds a little weird), you’ll want to drag folks over all the time. The supreme goal is that at some point one of your female acquaintances might become particularly impressed by you and your swell joint and want to spend more time there, whether decorating it with large doilies or smelly pink soaps or just herself or perhaps letting her ultra-attractive friends know about you and your well-appointed situation. This is a good thing.
The secret compound word of the day is spaceage.
Related Reading:
How NOT To Decorate The Bachelor Pad
11 Steps To Becoming A Domesticated Bachelor: #6. Be A Jack Of All Trades
11 Steps To Becoming A Domesticated Bachelor: #5. Travel the World
11 Steps: # 3. Shape Up, Fatty
11 Steps: #2. The Right Wardrobe
Bachelor Step #10: Collect the Right Toys
$15 Million Ultimate Bachelor Pad
Tenuously Related Reading:
Logan’s Run & Population Control
Sound Of Music Death Match!!! Liesl v Maria
Celebrity Crushes: The Girl Next Door
Which Is Your Type? A Pseudo-Cosmo Quiz
Subscribe to the Domesticated Bachelor through RSS or link to one of the buttons below! Do it!
What is a Domesticated Bachelor?
by Jonathan B. Perry
Found globally, the Domesticated Bachelor (Singledudis Domesticatus) is a stylish gentleman-type who, giving an air of success and sophistication, mixes famously with the garden party klatch, while only appearing somewhat douchey. The Domesticated Bachelor (DB) is of highly cultured stock (Hapsburg or Boullion), keeping fine digs and dating mostly non-mutant women without a lick of effort. If he doesn’t have an incredible job as an astronaut-banker, he at least has tasty money, perhaps a bloated trust fund, and frequently travels the world in enormous white boatlike vehicles. Most importantly the Domesticated Bachelor is not feral. Like the trained housecat, he’s learned to not only use the box, but to keep it tidy. Also, he’s single.
Sadly, the DB is becoming an endangered type, increasingly outnumbered by the likes of his wild cousin Slouchypantsus Singledudis whose questionable hygiene, health, and home arrangement besmirch the brotherhood of bachelordom.
Slouchypantsus Singledudis (not actually me)
Slouchypantsus spends 18 hours daily at his computer because he may be in between sales jobs at the moment, often still living in his parents’ basement not having yet been effectively pressured to move and get a job. He has chosen a 2nd life online, possibly as an oddly attractive female ogre. This is also why he is a whiter shade of pale (because of living in the basement, not because he’s an attractive female ogre). He has become one with junk foods of either a sweet or salty nature and is daily becoming the shape of a cream puff.
I am neither a DB nor an SS (an SS man?), instead languishing in a deeply useless, though common, middle full of treacherous reptilian creatures with sharp teeth. Most bachelors wish to one day attain that rare DB eminence or, daring to dream, the hallowed coupled status (as seen on tv circa 1961).
The secret fake word is Slouchypantsus.
11 Steps To Becoming a Domesticated Bachelor
Further Reading:
Logan’s Run and Population Control
Celebrity Crushes: The Girl Next Door
SOUND OF MUSIC Death Match!!! Liesl v Maria
How NOT to Decorate the Bachelor Pad
Subscribe to the Domesticated Bachelor through RSS or link to one of the buttons below! Do it!
Related Blogs
My 25 Humanoid Things: A Peer-Induced List
by Jonathan B. Perry
(From a social-networking list everyone is doing. Silly Rabbits)
My 11 Favorite Christmas Albums
30 Favorite Songs of 2009 (1-15)
My Bucket List: 100 Things To Do Before I Die
11 Steps To Becoming A Domesticated Bachelor
Subscribe to the Domesticated Bachelor through RSS or link to one of the buttons below! Do it!
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