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11 Steps to Becoming A Domesticated Bachelor: #3. Shape Up, Fatty

by Jonathan B. Perry

slim-goodbody-albumMy dear chubby bachelor friend, imagine yourself for a moment as a thin man, perhaps even muscular, and you are jogging lithely across verdant meadows with your special womanly someone as bluebirds sing Led Zeppelin around you.  Now, envision comfortably going shirtless at the pool in front of friends and strangers, unfazed by your body because of its glorious physique, except for maybe that bad yin and yang tattoo you got one smashed evening.  Wouldn’t life be better?

Growing flabby and fat isn’t much of an esteem builder and the huffing and puffing can be blamed on asthma for only so long, which is a shame.  I’d show before and after pictures, but of course they’d just be backwards.  Being in good shape is finding that sweet spot of healthiness.  You’ll be better able to engage in more physical activities in cool places with pretty girls without passing out (like that time in the Rocky Mountains), have the ability to wear select clothing that doesn‘t look hideously stretched or tent-like, gain that ever evasive self-confidence, and be more attractive to the opposite sex (perhaps at the top of the bachelor list).  Oh, and you may live longer, too, which comes in handy when it‘s time to use up your retirement money.
If you avoid over-indulging in tasty friedchocolatehamburgermilkshakedogs, enjoin in some moderate exercise a few times a week, possibly doing physical activities with your invisible friends, then you may be able to cut down on the enlargement that most of us succumb to as we age, except of course for those freaks who are always rail-like and/or wraith-like and are hated by everyone else.

Dutch Gymnasts

Dutch Gymnasts

You might consider joining a sports league or a gym.  You can certainly meet women at the gym.  So I hear.  Though, come to think of it, that might be like meeting women when you’re having the tarter scraped off your teeth.  Maybe not your best moment.  I suppose that’s why there are women-only gyms.

The secret word is burrito.

Step #1. The Bachelor Pad

Step #2. The Right Wardrobe

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10 Responses to “11 Steps to Becoming A Domesticated Bachelor: #3. Shape Up, Fatty”

  • Heather:

    Oh my gosh! Slim Goodbody! I always thought that guy was creepy. Just so all the men out there know…the beefy, muscle bound meat heads do NOT turn us ladies on! Well, at least most of us! The girl likes to be the “better” looking one in the relationship b/c she is ridiculously insecure and pathetic, and no woman wants a man to spend more time working on his fitness than spending time ogling over her.

  • admin:

    I remember Slim in conjunction with “Picture Pages” by Bill Cosby. I thought it was all pretty nifty, even if Slim was essentially a vivisection.

  • Jay:

    Well, well, well… Some of us can certainly make *anyone* else the best-looking half of a relationship. Thank you, Heather, for demotivating me to exercise. I owe you big on this one.

  • I think we dissected Slim Goodbody in 9th grade. No, maybe 11th. I forget now.

  • Ian:

    Wow, that’s the longest row of widgets I’ve seen aon any blog. Impressive.

  • admin:

    It is crazy. My brother found it in his plug-in scouring.

  • admin:

    Poor slim. What are the innards of innards?

  • LOL that was funny, watch out for gym women. That picture is killing me!

  • Brad Krueger:

    When I worked at Cole-Haan in Maine (late 90s), I sold shoes to “Slim Goodbody” or rather, John Burstein. He was still slim and trim as ever but a little grayer and weathered.

  • admin:

    COOL!!! How’d you know it was him? Was he wearing the vivisection suit with maybe a blazer over it?