THE DOMESTICATED BACHELOR

by Jonathan B Perry

In accordance with my own steps to becoming a Domesticated Bachelor edict, # 1 The Bachelor Pad, I bought a house in October.  It’s my first house.  The house is younger than I am with a new non-leaking roof and new furnace and a/c.  I like this split level ranch rather well, especially the French doors and the yards,and hope to do some minor remodeling and landscaping.  Until recently, I lived several years in a run down basement apartment that flooded and whose retaining wall to the porch was crumbling.  I dreaded a dark morning where I might wake up to find I’d become trapped in my subterranean tomb with a very limited supply of chocolate ice cream and cookies to carry me into the afterlife. I’m sure I have a photo of the wall somewhere, but can’t find it and don’t really want to creep around the property now to photograph it with my phone.

So far, the new house is a bit messy, not being quite unpacked, but no where near as dreadful as the old apartment.  One of the benefits of maintaining a filthy place is that it keeps you from mistakenly inviting visitors over.  No one wants to do that.  Visitors will only make your house dirtier, consume your resources, and still judge your house/apartment regardless of how spic and span it is.  I know this factually because I have friends that popped in at the most inopportune times, such as when I was moving the cat’s indoor sand volleyball court from the kitchen to the bathroom.  Since then, the legend of my squalor has traveled the circuit of acquaintances and developed a fantastic mythology that has winged serpents crossing the threshold to hunt rabid country-city-suburb mice (which is quite nearly a falsehood).  With the apartment all to yourself you can live free of the many encumbrances that might somehow cause you to forget to feed the cat who might die unfed while you’re entertaining judgmental guests.  No one wants to risk the beast’s life for the sake of hospitality, unless you actually have a cat and are truly aware of its inherent evil (my cat is already dead, so that’s no longer an issue).

If you do happen to have friends, which I have in the past, you might find it easier to do your socializing at their residences.  Often, first rate entertainment is provided and, depending on the friend, there may be pizza or casseroles involved.  This is good because in addition to the free nourishment and socialization, you’ve avoided causing any excessive buildup of filth in your own quarters, instead causing it in the quarters of those who can either fix it or just don‘t care.  In this way, you may be able to stave off moving for just a little longer without having to clean.  Or get married.  Vacations are also good to this end.

The secret word is subterranean.

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