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11 Steps to Becoming A Domesticated Bachelor: #1. The Bachelor Pad

by Jonathan B. Perry
bachelor-pad-pic11Achieving bachelor domestication is akin to arriving at a sort of Nirvana or climbing to the top of an important ladder: corporate, Jacob’s, firetruck.  It means you’ve grown up and are semi-functional; a sophisticated adult in spite of yourself.  Plumbing the depths of my soul, I have discovered the 11 secret ingredients required to create a domesticated bachelor soufflé.  Over the next few weeks we’ll explore those ingredients one by one.  It’s more than just a recipe for bachelordom.  It’s the key to the black Lamborghini of adult human culture.

1. The Bachelor Pad
Where there’s talk of bachelors, there are whispers of the bachelor pad.  Visions of the smooth operator’s Bat Cave dance like sugar plums in the imagination.  Lots of high-tech electronics with remote controls, round rotating beds, secret panels, and a wet bar usually figure into the collective picture.  It’s a pretty expensive picture, but creating the right bachelor pad is essential to bachelor domestication.  It’s where the mood is created, the man is recharged, and MTV’s ‘Cribs’ films stuff.

The pad is an extension of the bachelor, and where you live reflects your unique style and background, whether a condo, nouveau mud hut, ranch house, or an underground bunker where you may or may not die with Eva Braun.  Of course, you’ll decorate this special haven according to your highly refined tastes:  French provincial, gothic hunter, dojo wannabe, or packrat.  The better your pad, the more relaxed you’ll become and the better you’ll feel about that whole being alive as a non-loser thing.

It becomes easier to invite friends over if you have a clean and attractive place that doesn’t stink of feet and mold.  In fact, if you’re particularly chuffed about your man pad (that sounds a little weird), you’ll want to drag folks over all the time.  The supreme goal is that at some point one of your female acquaintances might become particularly impressed by you and your swell joint and want to spend more time there, whether decorating it with large doilies or smelly pink soaps or just herself or perhaps letting her ultra-attractive friends know about you and your well-appointed situation.  This is a good thing.

The secret compound word of the day is spaceage.

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11 Steps:  # 3. Shape Up, Fatty

11 Steps:  #2. The Right Wardrobe

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7 Responses to “11 Steps to Becoming A Domesticated Bachelor: #1. The Bachelor Pad”

  • […] accordance with my own steps to becoming a Domesticated Bachelor edict, # 1 The Bachelor Pad, I bought a house in October.  It’s my first house.  The house is younger than I am with a […]

  • George:

    I have some extra doilies and fancy soaps I could toss in the mail.

  • Will definitely need to find space for doilies. On top of the tv, perhaps. Fancy soaps are something else entirely. The stink must be pre-approved. Thanks for the threats, though.

  • The Entertaining Bachelor:

    Your post is right on track…..T.E.B.

  • P.M.Chin:

    From the female perspective can I just say, bachelors please, don’t display knives and swords on your walls. That just says poser or low-budget horror flick. But the extreme opposite end of the scale is a little weird too. A guy with flower embroidered hand towels and those stupid decorative soaps no one ever uses tends to give the impression that he is gay. If he actually is gay, well, good for him. If he is not, this perception could be a problem.

  • admin:

    I do have some Hindu Gnesha prosperity thing I brought back from Taiwan, but I haven’t put it up in the new house yet. It’s like a decorative dagger that somehow cleared the x-ray machines at the airports. It’s more of a bachelor basement thing.