by Jonathan B. Perry
Found globally, the Domesticated Bachelor (Singledudis Domesticatus) is a stylish gentleman-type who, giving an air of success and sophistication, mixes famously with the garden party klatch, while only appearing somewhat douchey. The Domesticated Bachelor (DB) is of highly cultured stock (Hapsburg or Boullion), keeping fine digs and dating mostly non-mutant women without a lick of effort. If he doesn’t have an incredible job as an astronaut-banker, he at least has tasty money, perhaps a bloated trust fund, and frequently travels the world in enormous white boatlike vehicles. Most importantly the Domesticated Bachelor is not feral. Like the trained housecat, he’s learned to not only use the box, but to keep it tidy. Also, he’s single.
Sadly, the DB is becoming an endangered type, increasingly outnumbered by the likes of his wild cousin Slouchypantsus Singledudis whose questionable hygiene, health, and home arrangement besmirch the brotherhood of bachelordom.
Slouchypantsus spends 18 hours daily at his computer because he may be in between sales jobs at the moment, often still living in his parents’ basement not having yet been effectively pressured to move and get a job. He has chosen a 2nd life online, possibly as an oddly attractive female ogre. This is also why he is a whiter shade of pale (because of living in the basement, not because he’s an attractive female ogre). He has become one with junk foods of either a sweet or salty nature and is daily becoming the shape of a cream puff.
I am neither a DB nor an SS (an SS man?), instead languishing in a deeply useless, though common, middle full of treacherous reptilian creatures with sharp teeth. Most bachelors wish to one day attain that rare DB eminence or, daring to dream, the hallowed coupled status (as seen on tv circa 1961).
The secret fake word is Slouchypantsus.
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