THE DOMESTICATED BACHELOR

by Jonathan B. Perry
Earlier we talked about types of crushworthy women, specifically the Elegant type and the Girl Next Door (GND) type. While these two types seem to be my favorites, there are several other types that have great qualities and should be given serious consideration.

What kind of girl are you? (I don't know these people)

Funny- The funny girl always seems to know how to inject hilarity into the mundane.  She’s almost a comedienne without a gig, amusing her friends instead.

Quirky- The quirky girl is much like the funny girl, though perhaps less definable as funny or less aware that she is.  She’s a little strange in an interesting way, maybe a touch nerdy and unselfconscious.  She may have odd habits or hobbies.

Smart- The smart girl has a high IQ and is a good person to ask if you want to know certain data.  She may correct your grammar from time to time.  She also may have a few graduate degrees.

Sporty- The Sporty girl is of course athletic, playing in city leagues or with friends, often taking mountain climbing expeditions or hiking trips.  Her body is often in peak physical condition which is good for everyone (except maybe the other girls).

Sexpot- The sexpot is overtly sexy, being fully aware of her physical hotness and manifesting it through obvious flirtiness, whether in actions or dress.  The Sexpot often walks the line with being slutty.

Bad Girl- The Bad Girl will often take up that slutty mantle, but may be bad in more criminal and dangerous sorts of ways.  She often gets a rush by doing illegal things like shoplifting, or doing bad things like sleeping with her best friend’s boyfriend.

Girl Next Door- The GND is easy to talk to, normal and approachable, kind of innocent, but may also be hot and not really know it.  She seems like someone who might be tricked into dating a regular guy.

Elegant- The Elegant woman maintains a certain charming dignity about her.  This is exhibited not only by her fine dress, but through the grace, class, and decorum maintained in everyday activities.

The pseudo-Cosmo quiz below, which is super-non-scientific, has been designed to help you find out what type of woman you like (if you’re male) or what type of woman you are (If you’re female.  Or, if you’re a guy, you can take the quiz from the perspective of which type of woman you are or would be.  See how versatile this is?).  Score your response to each question on a scale of 1 to 5 (with 1 being what you dislike and 5 being what you most like), then add up the total for each type.  The closer you get to 20 points in one type, the more you like that type (or are that type).  See the scoring key below.  I’m sure other types have been left out, but this isn’t scientific and I’m not uber masochistic.  Thanks to Melinda’s good-looking friend Emily for the great suggestion.  I’ll never do this again.

1. She craves and seeks adoration for her body.
2. She often amuses her friends in regular conversation.
3. She likes to dress well at all times.
4. She might have a collection of pretty rocks.
5. She’s likely to be in a book club.
6. She likes to mountain climb.
7. She spray paints graffiti on the overpass.
8. She might be considered a pal/friend to a guy.
9. She often dresses revealingly.
10. She might engage in practical jokes.
11. She’s seen to be particularly classy.
12. She plays the xylophone in a rock band.
13. She’s good at giving advice.
14. She works out at the gym regularly.
15. She gets a rush from shoplifting lipstick.
16. She has an innocent manner about her.
17. She sleeps with a lot of guys.
18. She rarely gives a serious answer.
19. She gives charming dinner parties.
20. She names her pet turtles after classic movie stars.
21. She speaks philosophically about mundane things.
22. She’s often invited to play sand volleyball.
23. She slept with her best friend’s boyfriend.
24. The neighbor boy saw her as a good friend for years before really liking her.
25. She flashes her breasts at Mardi Gras or just whenever.
26. She has a secret ambition to be a comedian.
27. She embodies the upper class.
28. She makes Star Wars models.
29. She may have advanced educational degrees.
30. She catches most games on tv when she doesn’t go to them in person.
31. She enjoys breaking rules and laws.
32. She’s often seen as the perfect girl to take home to the folks.

Scoring Key:  Sexpot-#s 1,9,17,25; Funny-#s 2,10,18,26; Elegant-#s 3,11,19, 27; Quirky-#s 4,12,20,28; Smart-#s 5,13,21,29; Sporty-#s 6,14,22,30; Bad-#s 7,15,23,31; Girl Next Door-#s 8,16,24,32

How did you score? Which is your type? Quit asking what I look like in drag.

The secret word is tranny.

Related Reading:

Celebrity Crushes:  The Girl Next Door

Celebrity Crushes: Is Elegance Elitist?

Sound Of Music Death Match!! Liesl v Maria

Intimidated By Smart Girls?

Google-Stalking the Ex

Valentine’s Day Shame

Dating Advice From The Family

Family Advice: A Reversal (S0rt Of)

Dating Satisfaction Survey

Changing Your Relationship Status On A Social-Networking Site

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Last night I was poking around online for some simple bachelor dishes to try and/or share and was delighted to find this. Not only does this Great Depression Cooking video meet my need to find a simple recipe (though I probably won’t make it), but it also gives me my oral history fix (which is different from my oral fixation). 91 year-old Clara cooks a simple pasta and pea dish while telling about food during the Great Depression and gives a tale of Prohibition-era bootleggers making whiskey next door (sort of making her a Girl Next Door).  Clara is one bitchin’ babe for 91.  There are a total of 10 videos on the YouTube channel, so you can stock up on cheap recipes and stories in time for the next Great Depression.

What are some easy recipes you like that are bachelor doable?

The Domesticated Bachelor has reached 35,000 hits!!  Thanks for reading.

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Becoming A Domesticated Bachelor:  Step #4. Learn To Cook

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by Jonathan B. Perry
Women seem to like it when a man can cook.  It takes some of the cooking responsibility off of her, if you ever get a woman who is willing to cook for you besides your mom, but it can also be useful if you’re preparing a romantic dinner for two (not for your mom). It can really be as easy as learning to cook a few favorite main dishes, some side dishes, and vegetables. Pick a few of your favorites and learn how to cook them from your mom, a cookbook, or from Martha Stewart’s evil website.

You might do well to familiarize yourself with difficult cooking terms, which are usually in a gibberish known as French, as well as measuring items, which often use the metric system you never learned. Learn to sauté, braise, or broil. Know your measuring spoons, cups, and pinches. If you’re feeling cocky, write your own recipes by making variations of other normal dishes with your own special ingredients after having experimented and deciding they‘re not poisonous. Other bachelor friends are good as tasters largely because they have nothing else to do (they‘re also expendable competition, so if they die, there is an upside). I keep reading in men’s magazines that one should know how to make an omelet (and perhaps spell it omelette) and this makes sense because if you have the basics down, you can add whichever ingredients you like (tomatoes, onions, peppers) and adjust for a guest (goat cheese, valium). Keep a fire extinguisher handy.

Not only will these cooking skills be good for romantic meals (again, not your mother), but they’ll come in handy in your bachelor life where you have no one else to cook for you, because you‘re actually a psycho-hermit. I somehow managed to burn my spaghetti noodles this week, so it’s not really looking good. Also, knowing how to cook will be useful if you ever throw a party or host a dinner for a group of friends. Chyeah. As if this would ever happen.

The secret word is metric.

Step #1. The Bachelor Pad

Step #2. The Right Wardrobe

Step #3. Shape Up, Fatty

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